Dramatis Personae

Narrator — ‘Nuff said.

Professor Plumpkin— The absentminded, jam-obsessed, warden of Wills Castle

Dweezil — Professor’s smart-alec assistant. Built Beetleman.

Wicked Witch of Wills- Evil cleaner in Wills Castle

Prince Fabian—Heir to the throne of North East Lincolnshire.

Beth — Yorkshire Heroine

Baron Totipotent — Beth’s kindly father, recently fallen on bad times.

Madame Hussein — Owner of “Handy Tadpole” Brothel. Swings both ways.

Rapunzel - Worker at the Brothel, with bizarre fetish.

Sir Finn U. Essay — Arrogant, chauvinistic aristocrat. Fancies Beth.

Beetleman — bizarre cross-bred mutant.

High Druid - Evil leader of the brotherhood of Dave

Death — The Grim Reaper… duh!

Scene 0 — Spurious Shakespearian Cut-Scene.

Compere: Ladies & Gentleman, welcome to the Brunel Suite where DramSoc are pleased to present a spectacular event, pushing the boundaries of modern theatre, never before seen in Bristol. If I may say so, it is excellent to see so many people with the good taste and cultural finesse to appreciate our drama. And so we begin our week - long Shakespeare marathon. All thirty seven masterpieces of the Great Bard himself, presented back to back with no breaks, no eating, no drinking, and no communication with the outside world. Please note that for your own enjoyment the doors have been locked and armed guards will shoot on sight anyone who attempts to escape.

Plant in audience jumps up

Plant: Nooooo!

Plant legs it to door but gets shot halfway there

Compere: There’s a lesson for you. And without further ado, let us begin. Please ensure all mobile phones are switched off, and if you must breathe, do so quietly. Strikes dramatic pose

Two households, both alike in dignity.

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene.

For never was a story of more woe,

Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Exit Compere. Enter Romeo

Romeo: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief,

That thou, her maid art far more fair than she.

enter Juliet in front of Romeo

Juliet: Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art though Romeo?

Plant: He’s behind you!

Juliet: looks behind, then to audience Hey, thanks. to Romeo Take me, big boy!

They snog

Hamlet and Grave Digger enter

Gravedigger: Here’s a skull now: this skull hath lain in the earth three and twenty years.

Hamlet: Whose was it?

Gravedigger: A whoreson mad cow it was.

A pestilence on her for a mad cow

She poured a flagon of milk on my head once:

this same skull sir, was sir. Clarabel’s skull; the King’s cow.

Hamlet: Let me see. takes skull> Alas, poor Clarabel! I knew her Horatio — a cow of infinite milk and yoghurt. She hath borne me on her back a thousand times.

Gravedigger: Now she’s at her eternal sleep my lord.

Hamlet: To sleep, perchance to dream, aye there’s the rub.

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil

To die, to sleep — no more.

And by sleep to end the heartache

and a thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

Ah, yes, To Be or Not To Be, that is the question

Plant: Oh No it isn’t!

Hamlet: Oh Yes it is!

Etc, etc., until Macbeth enters

Macbeth: Is this a dagger I see before me?

If audience don’t say anything:

Macbeth: I guess not then. Wanders to back

If audience shout out something:

Macbeth: Fuck off you sassanack. I’ll see you Jimmy!

Richard III enter

Richard: Now is the winter of our discount tents hold out tent with 20% off sign

Hamlet: For the last time Richard we don’t want any bloody tents!

Richard: OK, OK, don’t get your guy ropes in a twist. I’ve only got to flog this last one and then I’ve reached my quota:

Gravedigger: I think you’re flogging a dead horse there mate.

Richard: A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!

Enter Dobbin

All: Dobbin?!

Enter Fake Director

Director: Stop, stop, this panto is not ready yet!

Macbeth: Panto? What Panto?

Juliet: We’re doing the DramSoc Shakespeare marathon, aren’t we?

Romeo: Yes, I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks.

Juliet: Oh darling!

they snog again

Director: I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but we booked this room out months ago.

Gravedigger: I can’t believe Cecil cocked it up again. Cecil!

Enter Compere/DramSoc Director

Compere: What’s all this then? My Grande Project, ruined. Honestly, how am I expected to work with such a bunch of rank amateurs?

Hamlet: You’re the one who double-booked us, you useless luuvie.

Compere: I can explain…

Gravedigger: I don’t give a rats arse for your explanations Cecil. I spent 2 months researching my gravedigger role. Have you any idea how hard it is to be let off with a warning for body snatching?

Macbeth: You’ve heard of 12 angry men, yes?

Compere: I directed it in Fresher’s Week.

Macbeth: Well we’re five pissed off actors. Better start running now. Three, two, one…

Compere looks worried and runs off

All: Get him!

exeunt all bar Fake Director

Director: Terribly sorry about that. DramSoc eh? Can’t live with em, can’t kill em. Or at least all of them. Something tells me we won’t be seeing that director again. Enough of that. Welcome to our scheduled entertainment for this evening. We have slaved away for three whole weeks to bring you a magical tale of heroism, romance, intrigue, and cross-dressing. PantoSoc is proud to present “Beauty and the (Beast?)”

Band strike up. Director exits. Narrator enters

Scene 1 — The Curse.

Narrator: That’s quite enough of that! Now lets get on with what you’re here for. Once upon a time, nestled in the generous bosom of the Kingdom of Stoke Bishop lay the mighty Wills Castle, home of the poshest students in all the land. The castle was under the control of the kindly but somewhat unhinged Professor Plumpkin, who, for reasons that never become entirely clear, has carried out pioneering research into the energy technology, medical potential and military applications of.... jam.

enter Professor & Dweezil

Professor: Aha! It is now all so obvious! Increasing the pip volume by 0.1% increases the jam’s destructive capability by a factor of 17.4! And also makes it taste better, too! The Royal Society for the Development of Destructive Preserves will award me their highest accolade!

Dweezil: Not difficult when you’re the only member

Narrator: The professor had a research assistant named Dweezil, a brilliant third-year undergraduate, who unfortunately didn’t quite share the professor’s enthusiasm for all things jam-related ...

Professor: Dweezil, don’t you see the ramification of my discovery? This will shake the foundations of 21st century science! I will become a household name, ranking along side ze greats such as Robertsons, Hartley and Sainsbury's own brand.

Dweezil: Just because the enemy are all sticky doens't mean they can't shoot back. I can hardly imagine the SAS blasting at Osama Bin Laden and the Taliban with rounds of raspberry seedless.

Narrator: But Wills Castle was also the home of the most evil, powerful, wart-infested, foul-smelling witch in all the land..

dramatic music, enter witch/cleaner, who flies on her broomstick about looking menacing for a bit, while narrator speaks

Narrator: ... with more chins than a Chinese phone-book, and in need of more concealer than Ann Widdicombe. Little children run screaming from her, grown men wet themselves at the very thought of her, hell itself trembles at her feet. She's even scarier than Anne Robinson armed with rubber gloves and a tub of industrial lubricant. Professor taps her shoulder

Professor: Ah, I’m glad I found you Nora. There’s been a bit of a mishap up on G corridor. Could you go and wipe it up?

Narrator: Oh, did I forget to mention that she was a part time cleaner at Wills Castle? She was expelled from school at the age of 13 for turning the headmaster into a tub of coleslaw and eating him with relish on top of her jacket potato. As a result, she has no formal qualifications and so was forced to spend her days washing dishes and removing encrusted vomit from the chandeliers.

Witch: Well, I only do this to finance my Trainspotter habit. I just can't get enough of the greasy anorak taste. And at least I’m doing society some good, It’s not like anyone would miss them, is it? In fact I can smell thick-rimmed NHS glasses now!

Trainspotter in the audience tries to escape, but she sees him and catches him and drags him onto the stage then off it. Screams are heard

Professor: I do wish she would stop doing that. It’s getting harder and harder to dispose of all the bodies.

Dweezil: Yeah, The Hiatt Baker students are beginning to get rather suspicious, especially after the pubic-hair-in-burger incident.

Professor and Dweezil exit

Narrator:The inhabitants of the castle, known as the sloanes, were supposedly the best-behaved and most privileged students in all the land. Prince Fabian of the NorthEast Lincolnshire was their caddish leader, and every night, without fail, he would lead his followers on a crusade against sobriety. In other words, they tended to get a ‘little’ drunk.

enter drunken wills students carrying beer bottles singing “the wills on the bus go rar rar rar”

Fabian: Hang on a mo Tarquin, what is a bus anyway?

Tarquin: Erm… well Fabian, I think Daddy said it’s some kind of people carrier for the lower classes.

Fabian: Oh you mean like a Volvo?

Enter Sebastian, wearing a traffic cone on his head

Sebastian: Hey guys look at this! I bet no one's ever thought of this before!

Charles: <looks off stage> Oh dear chaps, Justin has just thrown up in Julian’s rare collection of Victorian pornography!

Sloanes: Good show!

Enters Witch — furious

Witch: I want a word with you lot... This morning I was woken up at 4am by that bloody Wagner Ring Cycle.. again!! Why can't you be normal students and play S Club 7 like everyone else?

Fabian: It's been proved that classical music improves the mind.

Witch: But not 12 solid hours of it! I then went to make a cup of tea only to discover that one of you has urinated in the kettle!!!!

Tarquin: Oh yeah, that was me sorry, couldn't find the khazi last night posh guffaw TOTALLY sloshed I was!

Witch: I don't want you sloshing in my tea, boy! And the toilet brush is to be used ONLY for cleaning toilets and for nothing else! My poor cat is going to need therapy for weeks! Oh and finally, I found THIS in my shoe this morning! Brings out used condom LOOK!!! Raising shoe to reveal dripping wallpaper paste)

Sebastian: Oh well done Charles, that's your best effort yet!

Charles: Yes, Penelope was rather pleased! they all laugh

Witch: I'm getting thoroughly sick of you lot! I think it's time you were taught a lesson!!

Fabian: But lectures don't start until monday. Look witch, you attractively-challenged old bint, me and the chaps are just having a laugh!

Witch: Right! That's it! grabs magic plunger You will all be horrendously punished, but Fabian, as the ringleader of these juvenile delinquents, I will reserve the most hideous punishment for you!

With Toe of snake, Sobriety of Sloane,

Dress-sense of Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen,

Wing of Rat, integrity of tart

Brain of Student of history of art,

With all these things that are not right,

Now become what you DID LAST NIGHT!

Lights flash - boom sound effect for a while! Lights go back up - students have gone but Witch is still there

Witch: Ok, Gets out list Stage 1 - Get rid of students , Tick. Stage 2 - Buy milk and bread, Tick! Stage 3 - erm.. I can't read my own writing, if it's important I'm sure it'll come back to me. Stage 4 - Take over Wills Castle!

Professor: offstage I told you ze Morello Cherry wouldn't work!

Witch: Ah, I remember what stage three was! Excuse me professor, could I have a word with you for a minute?

picks up frying pan, walks off stage - PANG! SFX

Professor: offstage Ach! My noodle!

Narrator: With the professor out of the running, and the fate of the students temporarily left unexplained to heighten the dramatic tension, the Witch now has free reign of Wills Castle. With her legion of evil minions she subdued the local population and instigated a rein of terror...

blackout

Narrator: Oi! I wasn’t finished.

lights back up

Scene 2 — At the Handy Tadpole

Narrator: Thank you. Moving swiftly onto Scene 2, which in my opinion is a rather lovely one with more thongs, spangly bras and 12 inchers than Peter Stringfellow’s trophy cabinet. Anyway, not everyone was affected by the witch’s vicious coup d’etat. For the majority of people in Pantoland, life goes on as normal. People are born, live for a while, fall in love, fall in ponds, then die, and move to Kent…. Maybe not in that order. One such ‘normal’ family was the the Totipotents, part of the Yorkshire ehem> elite. The Baron Totipotent, Earl of Harrowgate, and OBE (or earlobe for short), was a kindly soul, but has fallen on hard times… how painful. Fortunately, the Baron had his beautiful daughter Beth to brighten up his financially troubled life. And so we find Beth and her father travelling through the Hiatt Baker Woods to a local restaurant.

<Beth & Baron are ‘stage-walking’, as they near the brothel, people shuffle on, to make it appear they are moving. Eventually the whole set is brought on in this way.

Beth: Are we nearly there yet dad? I’ve been walking for soooo long.

Baron: Don't worry, it's just around the next corner.

Beth: I thought you hadn't been here before.

Baron: No... But it's very well known. Oh look, isn't that a yew tree?

Beth: Why do we have to go to this place anyway dad? It’s a bit off the beaten track for a restaurant. I mean what sort of restaurant’s called “The Handy Tadpole”? Does it serve French cuisine or something?

Baron: Well no it’s more finger buffet….erm…. I mean, I expect so.

Beth: I still can’t see why Sir Finn couldn’t meet us in our village.

Baron: Well when an eligible, dashing, and above all rich knight of the realm invites you to dinner my dear, you don’t quibble with the location. Whether it's Haute Cuisine at Browns, or sloppy seconds at Hiatt Baker.

Beth: I suppose you’re right… Any idea why Sir Finn would want us to join him?

Baron: still attempting to change subject And the pine cones on that fir! Amazing!

Beth: Dad, is there something you want to tell me?

Baron: Well, Beth love, I do think it’s about time you and I had a proper talk about the facts of life. After all you’re 18 now. You can vote, drink, legally sign your own death certificate. You’re a mature, independent lass.

Beth: Awww! Dad! Stop it, you’re embarrassing me!

Baron: Well y’see lass. It’s like this… trees produce pollen, which is transferred by the wind to the female stigma…

Beth: interrupting But I'm not a plant!

Baron: flustered oh… of course! Well, y’see lass… there are these birds, and these bees, and when they perch together on a toilet seat, a stork brings the babies, okay?

Beth: No, not really.

Baron: Good, good. sees sign Ah! It appears we’re here.

Beth: Oh great! I’m starving… Here’s a menu. I could eat a hor... pauses Brunette with ginger underneath? Blonde with nothing up top? Why does the food selection vary with hair colour?

Baron: very flustered Never mind that now lass. Let’s just go find Sir Finn. I need a stiff drink or five.

enter Madame Hussein

Madame: Play your cards right and you’ll get more than that!…. Oh it’s you Baron! So good to see you again. Has the little chap recovered from last time?

Baron: Erm… sorry you have me confused with some... other... Baron. I am but a simple man in need of refreshment.

Madame: Playing hard to get eh? Cheeky devil! Perhaps seeing Brandy and Tiffany again will refresh your memory.

Baron: <trys to play along Ha ha ha! Yes, a brandy would be very refreshing, woman-who-I-have-never-met-before-ever.

Beth: Dad, either you’ve been at my tablets again….

Baron: The ehem.. monthly ones?

Beth: shouting I DON’T GET PMT OKAY!!!! calms down or you’re acting very weird tonight.

Baron: Come now lass, after the man-breasts incident you know I’d never go near those damn things again. I do wish you hadn’t put them next to the alka-seltzer though. It’s very disconcerting to go to bed with a bad hangover and wake up with twin peaks.

Madame: worried Er…. Yes…. Are you in for something particular this evening?

Baron: Yes, we’re here to meet someone…

Madame: Couples are extra dearie.

Baron: No no! This is my daughter!

Madame: Mormons eh? Then that’s double.

Baron: Oh God no! We’re here to meet Sir Finn U. Essay.

Madame: Of course. This way my lord, eyes up Beth> milady.

Beth: Dad, what’s going on here? What is this place?

Baron: It’s a restaurant Beth love. See, there’s the waitress, and the french maid, getting carried away the dominatrix….

Beth: It’s a very odd looking restaurant… all the red décor, the quiet jazz music, the women lap dancing…. on other women…..

Baron: Oooo! Where?

Madame: We have a special voyeur room for that Baron, as you well know. to Beth But it sounds like we have a newcomer to our little party.

Beth: Yes… you have a lovely establishment Mrs…?

Madame: Madame. Madame Hussein…. I thought you were new my dear. I know I’d remember someone as young and pretty, drifting off slender… nubile…. Yes I am the owner of this humble house of pleasure, catering for all kinds of carnal cravings.

Madame: Here you can while away a few aimless hours being pleasured by some of my lovely ladies of the night, to the mellow tones of Kenny J Junior and the Chainsmokers… nice. Would you care to come and see my private quarters?

I think you’ll enjoy the KY jacuzzi particularly.

Beth: Maybe later, Madame, but I’m just here for a simple fish supper with my dad, and Sir Finn, if we can find him. I hear he's quite dashing.

Madame: Oh, why are the cute ones always so straight? Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a while for your Knight in shining lycra my dear. He’s already paid up for another ten minutes with Crystal, Jade, and Ruby. Those four have already got through 2 tubs of Philadelphia tonight. God knows what they wanted the badger for. But while you wait, perhaps I can get one of my special ladies to entertain you…. Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hare!

Rapunzel: carrying a fluffy bunny It’s a rabbit actually.

Madame: I'll put him back in the hutch. You entertain these two punters. But leave the pretty one, she’s mine.

Rapunzel: Don’t get your knickers in a twist chief.

Madame: But I’m not wearing….

Rapunzel: You know what I mean. Anyway, Woody and I are going steady. Couldn’t you just give me a break for once? I’ve been working my pants off for the past four hours.

Madame: You should have got a customer to help you. Look, just keep these perverts busy while I go and get ready for the cabaret, and get Sir Finn for them…. A bucket of water and crow bar should do the trick.

Madame exits

Rapunzel: Right you are boss. to Baron Well, hello again Baron, back for the usual are we? I take it the syphilis cleared up then?

Baron: I swear I’ve no idea who you are, Rapunzel. to Beth Honestly my love, I’ve never met this woman before in my life. pointing to people in background & audience And I’ve never met Heather, or Tracy, or Trixie… or Sven does campy wave>.

Beth: Does any of this mean what I think it means?

Rapunzel: That’s right. Your father has more friends than you.

Beth: in over-dramatic way to audience> Noooooooooo!!!

Rapunzel: Look, do you mind if we just have a drink - I’m all shagged out. To be honest, this job’s getting on my tits. I’m tempted to pack it in, now I’ve found Woody. Ooh, have you met Woody? Oh, you have to meet him. Oh, do - you must! He’s just over there.

Beth: What, behind the tree?

Rapunzel: He is the tree!

Beth: What?! You’re dating a tree?

Rapunzel: Plant-o-sapien.

Beth: Whatever.

Rapunzel: Woody dear! Come over her and meet Beth…. ….oh, he’s working - we’d better go over there.

Beth: He can’t move can he? He can’t move at all.

Rapunzel: Yes he can moves tree

Beth: You moved him didn’t you?

Rapunzel: No I didn’t. He’s the bouncer - he’s very dedicated.

Beth: Dedicated? Deciduous more like.

Rapunzel: What was that?

Baron: ignoring Rap’l He looks a bit rigid.

Rapunzel: Can be an advantage, when the sap rises…

Beth: Oh please.

Baron: She just likes a bit of rough.

Rapunzel: I do enjoy the extra sensation. But he's sucha sweetie, he’s harmless.

Beth: And legless. But I’m sure his bark’s worse than his bite.

Rapunzel: That didn't even make sense. You're just making gratuitous tree jokes for the sake of it now, aren't you?

Baron: Er... yes. Sorry my dear. We’ll just take a bough and get on with it shall we?

Beth: How about that drink?

Rapunzel: Oh, how generous of you. A G&T for myself, and Woody’ll have a glass of Miracle Gro

all wander over to bar, which appears empty.

Baron: Hello? Bartender?

Beetleman pops up

Beetleman: in very agitated scratchy voice Whaddaya want mate?

Beth: Alan Benett! What the hell are you!

Beetleman: I’m Beetleman, whaddaya think I am?

Rapunzel: to Beth Just go with it. We had to introduce him now, he's important to the plot later.

Baron: I’ll have a best bitter, my daughter will have a Smirnoff ice, <Beetleman jumps downbehind bar again> a G&T for the lady, and erm… Woody will have….

Beetleman: jumps back up with full tray of drinks Miracle Gro. £15.40 mate.

Beth: That was amazing! How did you do that?

Beetleman: Benefit of extra limbs. You pay now.

Baron: looking a little scared Here you go.

Rapunzel: I shouldn’t worry about him. He may be a little strange, but he can whip you up a “Screaming Orgasm” that’ll blow your mind!

Baron: I see…. Does anyone else fancy a bite to eat? All this flesh has given me a craving for jelly for some reason…

Rapunzel: Oh yes, you haven’t met our new cook have you Baron. He’s an excellent chef, fresh from a stint at last years Panto. Rumplestiltskin!

Rumple: DON’T SAY ME NAME YER BASTARD!

Rapunzel: Look just calm down and get these nice people some…..<gestures to Baron, who is looking very scared>.

Baron: Erm…. Bowl of curly fries?

Rumple: Okay…. Want me to spin them into golden waffles for you? Only cost you yer first born….

Baron: weighs them up Daughter? Waffles? Daughter? Waffles…mmmmm

Beth: Dad!

Baron: OK. Just the fries then.

exits Rumple grumbling to himself

lights dim/spin in game-show style. Drum Roll. Voice over from back.

Voice Over: And now, Ladies and Gentlemen. The Handy Tadpole is proud to present Madame Hussein’s sensational, spectacular and downright sinful, all singing cheer, all dancing cheer>, all fully clothed groan> Red Light Girls!!!!!!

Song - See Our Breasts

Enter Madame and Sir Finn with 3 whores draped around him

Madame: Thank you ladies. to Baron and Beth Right, here is Sir Finn for you.

Sir Finn: Ah Baron good to see you.. to whores Steady ladies!

Whore 1: He’s so dreamy!

Whore 2: He’s so dashing!

Whore 3: He’s so hung!

<the three swoon onto each other

Sir Finn: Sorry to keep you waiting. I seem to be rather in demand tonight. Then again, I always am.

Baron: Sir Finn, the pleasure is all ours.

Sir Finn: Yes. It is.

Baron: May I introduce my daughter, Beth?

Sir Finn: Oh, is that your daughter? I assumed she was another of madam's whores.

Beth gives him a look that could not only kill, but mummify

Sir Finn: Realising his pettite faux pas It's just you have the most beautiful face I've seen since... since I looked in the mirror this morning. A-hahaha. whores laugh hysterically

Whore 1: He’s sooo funny!

Whore 2: Isn’t he just!

Whore 3: Ahhhhhh!!!!!

Beth: You can't charm me, sir. quieter But you could at least make an effort.

Baron: Can I buy you a drink?

Sir Finn: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks. I like my drinks how I like my women: in a glass covered with ice. In fact, my lord, allow me. clicks fingers. Whores jump on him.>

Whore 1 : Come here, big boy

Whore 2 : No, he’s mine

Whore 3: But, he promised me!

Sir Finn: pushing whores off No not you! clicks on other hand. Beetleman pops up

Beetleman: Whaddya want?

Sir Finn: Scotch on the rocks and your finest bitter for my good friend the Baron. to Beth> And for you my lady?

Beth: I won't accept a drink from the likes of you. I know your game.

Sir Finn: You mean get you blindingly drunk, and then have my wicked way with you?

Beth: Yes.

Sir Finn: Damn. Rumbled. How about a cup of tea?

Beth: If you insist. Tea without milk.

Sir Finn: Certainly. Tea without milk, please.

Beetleman: We ain’t got no milk. How about tea without cream?

Sir Finn: Oh very well, but hurry up. Mustn’t keep the lady waiting, eh? <Beetleman goes to get drinks. Sir Finn approaches Beth So Baron, have you thought any more about my offer?

Beth: What offer?

Baron: Ah yes. I would be delighted to accept.

Beth: Accept what?

Baron: We’ve had so much trouble in the last few months. We built an east wing on the house, then a west wing and then it flew away. The bottom dropped out of the underpants market so our cotton mill had to close and those shares I bought in that inflatable dartboard company…..well the less said about that the better. And then there was that terrible accident my wife had with that king-size vibrating marrow, a shocking mess I tell ya…but then there were bad times too. And now all I have left is my lass, Beth.

Sir Finn: So it’s a good deal all round.

Beth: What deal?

Baron: Precisely. I scratch your back, you scratch…well you know.

Beth: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Baron: All right Beth. Calm down. Have some valium. Sir Finn here has agreed to help us with all our financial troubles. Just think of it. Our family back in its rightful place in society, no more running our own bath water, no more surviving on mere gobfulls of caviar and champagne.

Beth: Oh dad! That sounds wonderful. But what’s the catch?

Baron: The catch? The catch? Oh! The catch! looks worried

Sir Finn: Allow me to explain. You see Beth, it’s like this… <gets down on one knee It’s about time that I settled down, and although I realise that you may never well be my equal….<looks her up and down>…in many respects, you have been lucky enough to be singled out by me as my future baby making factory. Just imagine, lots of little ones running about your feet, all the spitting image of me

Beth: Yes, just imagine!

Sir Finn: Anyway, enough about our rosy future. I’m sure that I don’t really need to ask, but will you do yourself the pleasure of marrying me?

whores gasp in horror

Beth: You arrogant twat! No! slap! Sir Finn looks completely confused.>

Baron: Beth, that’s no way to treat my future son-in-law! Apologise right now!

Whore 1: Yes apologise right now!

Whore 2: How dare she refuse him!

Whore 3: Is she mad?

Sir Finn: No apology is needed. I understand that I may have chosen my time… of the month… badly. I’m sure if we spend a little more time together, she’ll realise how marvellously brilliant I actually am. Perhaps if Beth and I had a talk for a while, Baron.

Baron: Very well. Beth love, just put down the knife and take a seat. she picks up a chair No, sit on it. That’s right. I’ll just go and amuse myself for a while… <some women come over or get someone else to. exit Baron with women

Sir Finn: That means you three as well. Away with you.

Whore 1: Rejected! Hmmph!

Whore 2: Hmmph!

Whore 3: Hmmph!

whores skulk off

Sir Finn: Alone at last, my darling. Now let me explain…

Beth: No, let me explain something to you, Sir Finn. I know all about you and your sordid hobbies.

Sir Finn: I’m afraid I really don’t…

Beth: Gherkins? Sir Finn looks shocked Yes, Sir Finn, I know all your darkest secrets. Connie from AOL? shudders In Cardiff?

Sir Finn: It's not true! deadpan It was Swansea. But how did you find all this out?

Beth: Don't ask me. I'm just reading off the script holds up script lying on table. I know you’re a brave knight, but I could never marry someone as twisted and arrogant as you. Perversions aside, trying to bribe my father with promises of wealth? It’s just…nyah.

Baron runs across the stage half-naked

Baron: Aaaaaaagh! It’s a man! Let me out of here!

exits screaming

Gigolo: I love you long time! Suckie, suckie!

Beth: Dad?! gets up and runs after him. Sir Finn grabs her

Sir Finn: Beth, please. Won’t you just give me a chance. I know I’ve done things in my life I could never be proud of, and I don’t think the world will forgive me for discovering Billie, but I promise you I can change.<Beth hesitatesAnd you know those rumours about …

Beth: You mean it is a whole 12 inches!!! gets excited

Sir Finn: looks proud Yep

Beth: And it can do that one from the Kama Sutra where whispers in his ear

Sir Finn: ….floating…backwards…6 feet…upside down….giraffe. Yes, it’s all true!

Beth: Well, maybe I have been a little hasty, I obviously didn’t really consider all the options… Tell you what give me a little time to think about it. But I’ve really got to go and find my father she starts to walk away Twelve inches, eh?

She exits

Sir Finn: goes to bar Beetleman! Beetleman pops up A packet of Hula-hoops and a emphasise bitter lemon. to himself I can change, I really can. <sees hooker in the corner beckoning him towards her Well, maybe not yet.

Scene 3 — Spooky Hiatt Baker Woods

Narrator: Having escaped the disturbing male gigolo at last, the Baron realises that he’s out of breath, lost in the woods and very scantily clad indeed. He’s not as alone as he thinks however, because although he doesn’t know it, he’s being watched, very closely, very closely…

Baron: Now I’m sure the road was around here somewhere. I recognise that tree with the branches from beforehand… or was it that one? Or maybe it was…. Oh it’s no use. I’m lost, half naked, and bloody frozen. My nipples are so erect they could open wine bottles... oh hello… what’s this? A signpost! I’m saved!… reads large sign saying “Danger! Sacrifice Training Area.” Hmmmm, “For your own safety please avoid all stone tables”.…. Oh bugger.

sound of druidic chanting. Enter Druids

Druid Leader: Halt Outsider! Step no further, or suffer the terrible consequences!

Baron: oblivious to evilness. To audience Ah, a local. Perhaps he can help me get home. To Druids Excuse me there, don’t suppose you could direct me to Whiteladies Road could you?

Druid Leader: I warn you infidel, you trespass on pagan ground. If you persist in your course, the holy brotherhood of DAVE will punish you. Python style What is your name?

Baron: I am Baron Totipotent proudly

Druid Leader: Hmmmm. Such a name lacks affinity with the earth powers. We shall call you Bernard. So Bernard….

Baron: I’m really not called Bernard….

Druid Leader: It’s alright Bernard, I don’t mind. So, why do you dare invade our sacred territory oh Bernard?

Baron: Look, I don’t mean to intrude, but I’ve had a bad night and I really need to get home. Can you help me or not?

Druid Leader: Hmmmm. Perhaps our sacred texts can help…. Graham!

Graham: My name’s not Graham!

Druid Leader: Graham hands him an AtoZ>…. Whiteladies you say?

Baron: Yes, that’s it takes a step forward> I was just at….

Druids: Sacrificial Ground! Sacrificial Ground!

Baron: What? Eh?

Druid Leader: You have trespassed on our most hallowed area. Only the most trusted of our dark lord’s servants are allowed to tread upon its turf. Outsiders who encroach upon it must suffer the most terrible fate.

Baron: What, you don’t mean….

Druid: Yes Celine Dion’s Greatest Hits…with all the behind the scenes extras too!

Baron: Ah. Don’t suppose you’d let me off with a warning?

Druid Leader: No!

Baron: Damn, thought not.

Druid Leader: It is expressly forbidden, so say the sacred scrolls of DAVE.

Baron: Who is this DAVE?

Druids: Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

Druid Leader: Do not take the name of our dark lord in vain heather… sorry, can’t read the autocue… Heathen. Or you will regret it. But not for long.

Baron: Oh come on. I only got lost in these woods. And besides, who ever heard of a prince of darkness called DAVE? It’s just silly.

Druid Leader: You dare mock our beliefs?

Baron: Yes. They’re stupid. Look, I’ve had a really crappy night, and having a bunch of bin-bag wearing religious nutters giving me lip is getting me pissed off. Now bugger off before I teach you g’t bunch of evil…., knife wielding,…. little…. I’m going to be killed aren’t I?

Druid Leader: Think of it not as death, but as a chance to tell DAVE how stupid he looks yourself, Bernard. Seize him!

druids grab Baron, and drag him to stone table

Baron: I was only joking, I swear! No need for removal of bodily organs, I’ve learnt my lesson. Please spare my life, I beg you.

Druid Leader: It’s too late for that Bernard. It’s our life now. Gladwyn, fetch the egg whisk.

Baron: See, I told you this was bloody stupid.

Druid Leader: Tush! Let the ritual commence. Great and noble master DAVE, we are gathered here today to cast another unbeliever into the fiery pit of burning gerbils. We punish him as we must punish all those who dare to speak against thy sacred Davinity. With this egg-whisk and thy… <a druid’s phone rings oh for Dave’s sake! If that’s yours again Simon, I swear by the moon and the stars up above that I’ll slam your bollocks in the sandwich toaster.

Simon: It’s for you, Frank. It’s the missus. Druids cower, and let go of the Baron

Druid Leader: <Pathetic downtrodden voice> Hello dear. I told you I was doing the sacrifice tonight, didn’t I? While Druids are all distracted, Baron gets up and escapes Yes, I know, please don’t do that. I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Okay five. Sorry. <To Druids, regains evil voice> Right that’s her put in her place! With this egg-whisk and thy blessing, we banish Bernard to the eternal torture of fiery furry rodents up the bottom! <Evil DAVE sacrifice chant. Tries to stab Baron, who isn’t there. Does a comedy cartoon double take thing> SIIIIIIIIMMMMMOOOOOONNNNN!!!!!! Bring forth the sandwich toaster! Phone rings again, Leader looks at watch Oh, shit!

Lights out

Lights up, enter Baron

Baron: Bugger me, what a load of bloody nutters. Southerners, eh, who’d have ‘em?

I’ve been working eighteen hour day at mill for last thirty years and now look at me, traipsing about in the middle of the wood, in the middle of the night, I’m as lost as a bleedin’ nun in Ann Summers. And now I’m talking to meself too…. Walks into a door Chuffin’ Nora it’s a door, I’m saved! Again!

Knocks twice

French: <Comedy French accent ‘ello, oo is it?

Baron: I am Baron Totipotent

French: Piss off you stupid yorkshire pudding

Baron: Please good sir, I am in need of shelter.

French: I am in need of a good rodgering but you don’t see me knocking at door in the middle of the night for it. Bugger off before I taunt you a second time!

Baron: But my life depends on it. Or the script at least.

French: Well then get yourself a better scriptwriter. I wobble my dangly bits over your great grandmother.

Baron: Sod this for a game of soldiers. Baron walks around door

French: Hey, you stop that! You can’t do that! Come back, come back!

tries to chase baron, but has his head stuck in the window. Frenchie takes door with him and chases Baron, trying to get back in front. They run around on the stage for a while. The Witch appears on the other side of the stage with a trowel and a rosebush. The Baron does not see her and runs into the rosebush

Witch: Aha! Caught you. Now I know who’s been damaging my prize hybrid rosebushes? The paint’s just dried on this one.

Baron: You’re painting the roses red? <voices offstage: “She’s painting the roses red”

Witch: Shut up! Bloody undergardeners. How did you get in? Jean-Claude!

French: Oui-oui Madame?

Witch: Not in my garden you don’t! I told you to finish building the gatehouse.

French: Sorry madame.

Witch: Get out of here!

Frenchie exits

And as for you, I have thought of a suitable punishment for you. she grabs him I will send you to my horrible dungeon, where you will be plagued night and day by some of the most hideous creatures known to mankind!

Baron: UWE students?

Witch: No, far, far worse than that. Come with me, to a place from which no one ever returns! Ha ha ha!! Oh, apart from me. And the guards. And their friends. But nobody else! Haaaha ha ha ha!

Scene 4 — In the Woods… still.

enter Beth

Narrator: Unaware of her father’s terrible fat…sorry fate, Beth is still milling around in the woods, trying to find her father. However she’s not doing terribly well as she keeps getting sidetracked by thinking about her sex life…or lack of it.

Beth: Oh where could my dad be? I do hope he’s ok… I really must find him. But thinking about it, now that he’s gone, I can have all those parties I wanted, and eat cake at two in the morning and <getting excited> tie myself up with shoe laces, spank myself with cotton wool buds and give myself all those multiple orgasms I’ve wanted for so long! But even my faithful rabbit vibrator will eventually run out of batteries…from what I’ve heard Sir Finn could keep me going all night, but he’s just a bit, erm, well….of a twat. No, what I really need is a strong powerful beast who will sweep me off my feet and carry me off like his little lamb <make a lamb noise or something to drop a small hint about hooking up with a sheep>.

From Off-Stage

Professor: Fore! Blob of jam files across stage and lands at Beth’s feet

Enter Professor and Dweezil

Professor: Ah excellent Dweezil, my Hedgehog gun is vorking perfectly!

Dweezil: I’m afraid not professor, it appears that Spike our test pilot didn’t quite make it.

Professor: Damnation! He was my best pupil, I spent three veeks training him in advanced jam-fuelled aviation theory. Now my preserve-based aeronautics program has come to zis! kneels at jam machine in despair

Dweezil: I told you we should have used petrol.

Professor: No Dweezil! Jam is ze way forward for ze new carbon-free economy of tomorrow! Fossil fuels are gone, now is ze dawn of renewable jam energy! Sustainable development is… notices Beth Oh hello little girl!

Beth: Indignant I’m not a little girl!

Professor: Oh, sorry little boy. I get so confused with you youngsters nowadays, what with your popular music and your unisex shell suits. Please accept my apologies.

Beth: You don’t get out much do you?

Professor: What? What do you think I am doing here in ze forest at 4 in ze morning — zis is my daily bout of “getting out”. Plus, I had to leave ze lab to test my new invention.

Beth: What? But why a hedgehog gun?

Professor: It’s vat zey’ll least expect.

Beth: Who will? or won’t?…. look I’m very confused now.

Professor: Ach! I’m so sorry! Vere are mein manners. I am ze vorld-reknowned Professor Plumpkin, Bsc Bbc PVC PhD. Doctor of Jamology and Professor of Preserves at Heidelberg Univeristy. Und zis is my assistant Dweezil. So who are you young man?

Beth: My name’s Beth. Pleased to meet you both. But I’m still a little confused….

Professor: I’m not surprised. Beth’s a girl’s name you know. At least it vas in my day….

Dweezil: Don’t mind the professor love, he’s a little…. Erm…. Eccentric at times.

Beth: Yes….. what’s with the whole jam thing.

Professor: Ah, vell you see my dear, Jam is all my family has ever known. My great-great grandfather founded the world’s first jam factory. Soon, all confectionery was under my family’s control. Ve had a monopoly on spreads…. Ah such happy times. I continued my research into new areas of jam application; speedboats, betamax, digital TV… all disasters, all to no avail. Then I discovered the unified jam theory, vich blew Einstein’s Marmalade Principle right out ze vindow! Now, I am trying to hone it’s uses as a new and renewable power source; more economical zan gas, cleaner zan coal, and tastier zan hydroelectric.

Beth: But what about the rest of your jam empire?

Professor: Ah… a sad day. It was 1914….

Beth: Oh! World War One….

Professor: Don’t mention ze war! My beautiful jam-rockets vere used in anger, a purpose for vich zey had never been designed. It vas then I decided to retire from the vorld preserves market, and spend some quality time with my fruit and sugar, developing new and improved applications and technologies for my beautiful jam. But recently, things have taken a turn for the worse. I have been ejected from our family’s ancient seat, ze majestic Wills Castle, by an evil witch.

Beth: How terrible.

Dweezil: Yes, I’m afraid so. In fact this whole area is under her evil minions’ control.

Beth: Oh no! My father is lost in these woods. If he meets this witch… oh you must help me find him.

Professor: Hmm…. this is the perfect opportunity to test my new invention….

Dweezil: Oh dear.

Professor: If you’d care to accompany me to my cottage…

Beth: Well, alright I suppose…

Exit Left, re-enter right

Professor: Welcome to my humble abode and secret research facility.

Dweezil: Not very secret any more…

Beth: It’s very nice. What is all this stuff?

Dweezil: This is the neutron particle decelerator, this is the hyper-electric vanadium incapacitator, this is the bin, and this is the thermonegative climate generator.

Beth: What does that do?

Dweezil: It keeps my sandwiches chilled.

Beth: Like a fridge then really?

Dweezil: Yes.

Beth: Are you into this Jam stuff too then?

Dweezil: Not bloody likely… the only use I have for jam is to spread on my toast in the morning. Professor throws hands up in despair I only put up with this job to finance my…. distant eyes OTHER hobby…

Beth: So what’s that then?

Dweezil: The process of homo-sapiens-trans-coleoptera-morphology. In other words I have been very successful in merging the genes of both species to create a new superior lifeform…

Beth: Which is…?

Dweezil: A Beetleman!!

Beth: That sounds familiar.

Dweezil: Interrupting A species that could change the entomological landscape of the earth FOREVER! One day it may even rival the human race itself and I, the creator will have total control!!! Unfortunately I lost the prototype…

Beth: How did you manage that?

Dweezil: I’m about to tell you. In song, by the sound of things.

CUE SONG - Beetleman

Professor: Nyah! I have found it. This is my amazing patented Jam-o-scope. It locates objects according to the amount of jam within them. Tell me, has your father eaten any jam recently?

Beth: Well, I’m not sure he even likes jam. Professor and Dweezil look shocked There must be some other way we can track him.

Professor: You must give us more details he sits at computer and types as Beth speaks

Beth: He’s about 6 foot, beard, short brown hair, and not wearing many clothes.

Professor: 6 foot, beard, short brown hair and not many clothes. Ja, I think I have located him.

Beth: How did you do that?

Professor: I saw him through ze window. About twenty minutes ago. He was heading towards my old house, chased by a door. I believe he may be in trouble with the witch.

Beth: We must leave now. He could be in deadly danger.

Professor: It is all right my dear. I have already been planning to retake my former home. Zis is a perfect opportunity. Quick, Dweezil, to ze jam-mobile.

exuent

Scene 5 — Dungeons of Wills Castle

Narrator: Meanwhile the witch has put her best knickers on to honour the arrival of her new prisoner, the baron. witch starts to lift up her skirt seductively No really, we don’t need to see them, there’s too much gore in this panto anyway! Oh dear, the poor, poor, Baron.<narrator exits

Enter Prince who huddles in the corner. Witch drags Baron on

Witch: This is where you will spend the rest of your meaningless pathetic life.

Baron: Wait a second, I’ve got plenty to live for. There’s a really good documentary about barn owls on tonight.

Witch: Well it looks like you’re going to miss it then.

Baron: Don’t suppose you could tape it for me?

Witch: Course I bloody can’t!

Baron: Cor, you really are evil, aren’t you? notices Prince Bloody hell! What’s that?

Witch: This is your new cellmate. Undergraduate of the Faculty of Basketweaving at the University of Bristol, heir to the throne of Lincolnshire… and my slave. Have you finished my tax-return form yet?

Prince: Not yet, mistress.

Witch: Well hurry up or you won’t get any pudding.

Baron: Pudding?

Witch: Silence! Right I’ll just leave you to get better acquainted. I’ll be back in an hour to see how you’re getting on, Baron, if you’re still alive that is. Ha ha ha!!!

exits

Baron: a bit scared So…. Nice cell you’ve got here.

Prince: Wait til you’ve spent a lifetime locked in it. Then you’ll see how “nice” it is.

Baron: You’ve been here a lifetime?

Prince: No. But theoretically….

Baron: I suppose so…… so…. Erm…. Weathers been good hasn’t it?

Prince: Wouldn’t know. There’s no windows.

Baron: Ah yes. Good point…. Well, what are you in here for?

Prince: My business is my own. But, you may be in for a quick death if you keep pestering me.

Baron: terrified I’m sorry, it’s just, erm… well…. You see…. Trying to break the ice and all that.

Prince: getting worked up Cease you incessant prattle you stinking worm, or I’ll rip your throat out through your arse!

Baron: cowering I’m sorry it’s just… I…. Er….I….

Prince: <getting up revealing sheep outfit> SILENCE!

Baron cowers on ground, but sees sheep; double-takes. Then gets up, no longer scared.

Baron: You’re a sheep!?!

Prince: And you are about to die, you insignificant, worthless…

Baron: interrupting in fit of giggles You’re a sheep!

Prince: getting annoyed Look, stop that!

Baron: holding sides I’m sorry, tee hee, but you got me sooo bloody scared, and you’re just so big and fluffy and cute….

Prince: Just shut up, shut up fingers in ears I can’t hear you la la la la la la la….

Baron: Oh look, I really am sorry. takes fingers out of beasts ears I promise I won’t laugh anymore….. Dolly.

Prince: Look, just stop with the sheep gags, please. It’s bad enough being a prisoner in this stinking dungeon, without some northern monkey taking the piss out of me… sits down again with head in hands

Baron: Oh, there, there. I didn’t mean nought by it. What happened to you?

Prince: It’s a long story….

Baron: That’s alright lad, doesn’t look like I’m going anywhere soon.

Prince: Well, I was once Prince Fabian, philanthropist, play-boy, heir to the great and mighty kingdom of North East Lincolnshire. The world was my oyster. I could have had any woman in town…. Actually I had EVERY woman in town. Sometimes two at a time. I had wealth, riches, a formidable reputation. Outside of the occasional paternity suit, I was on top of the world. I eventually came here to Bristol, to study basket-weaving, so I could be well prepared to live off my father’s money for the rest of my days. But then my life was ruined by this evil witch. My friends and I were minding our own business, busy keeping up with the latest fashions, drinking the latest in-drinks, getting hammered on the finest cocktails, and throwing up in our gold-plated washbasins. Then one night, we’d arrived in very late, and well…. Hang on. Did you see Scene 1?

Baron: Actually, yes. I was waiting in the wings ready to come on.

Prince: Oh, well you know what happened there then. Ghastly business really. So I awoke the next day, the hideous beast you see before you. My friends were transformed beyond all recognition. We renounced our families and committed ourselves to a life of boredom serving a fairytale character for all eternity.

Baron: So a bit like the Christian Union then? aside if God’s in the audience, we’re very sorry.<aside>. Oh, your highness, what a terrible story! I wish there was someway I could assist you.

Prince: Well actually I’ve had a terrible itch on the top of my back for the last fortnight. If you wouldn’t mind, baron…er…I don’t even know your name

Baron: Totipotent

Prince: I’m terribly sorry

Baron: No, no, that’s my name

Prince: I know- I’m just terribly sorry

Baron: Oh well, thank you, your highness. But I shouldn’t worry. If I know my daughter she’s on her way to rescue me right now.

enter Beth, professor, dweezil, carrying script

Baron: Actually I’ve a feeling there’s a million pounds on the way here in the post right now pauses for post to arrive>…Oh well, ‘twas worth a shot.

Beth: Oh dad, thank God I’ve found you…Hang on…Why are you in a cage with a giant sheep? I thought you’d given that stuff up when we left Yorkshire?

Baron: No, no luv it’s ok. This is prince Fabian from N/E Lincolnshire. Say hello to the prince, darling.

Beth: You have been at those tablets, haven’t you?!

Prince: Good evening, my lady

Beth: <startled Crikey! It talks an’all!

Prince: Of course I can talk. Have you never met a giant talking sheep before?…. Oh sorry, dumb question. But anyway, I am Prince Fabian, at your service milady…. Or rather I would be if I were free of this ghastly cell.

Baron: Aye. Come on Beth lass. Break us out will yer?

Professor: Perhaps I can help. Have you eaten any jam recently?

Prince & Baron: What?

Professor: Have you eaten any jam recently?

Prince & Baron: Err, well, no

Professor: WHY NOT? JAM IS GOOD FOR YOU! An instant burst of fruity energy, packed in an easily spreadable…

Dweezil: Professor, shut up.

Professor: mumbling mfphmpphhfmmmmm

Beth: Well, are you going to get them out or not?

Professor: still mumbling Ungrateful non-believers, anti-preserve fools mmmphfmmmpph. perking upAHA! I believe I have just the travel document! For many years, I have been working on an ultra-high sugar jam capable of burning through anything! pulling empty bottomless jar out of coat STAND BACK! <walks over to door, fiddling with lid

Dweezil: Erm, professor, there’s nothing…

Professor: SILENCE DWEEZIL! For once in your miserable life, let me concentrate! look down at jar AAARGH! My acid jam! All gone! … I knew I should have made it glass-proof. stumbles to floor and strikes cell door, which falls open

Prince & Baron: We’re saved!

Professor: Practically crying My beautiful jam! Whatever am I going to do!

Beth: Oh Dad! You’re safe!

Professor: It was all I had. For 15 years I have worked on that one jar.

Baron: Oh, Beth love, it’s so good to see you again. …but we must get out of here before the witch comes back. That Owl documentary’s about to start — she’ll be coming to torment me.

Beth: But Dad — what on earth did you do to get her so angry?

Baron: I was lost and stumbled into her garden, smudging the paint on the roses

Beth: Paint? In the garden?

Baron: Yeh, she was painting the roses red

Voice-over: She was painting the roses red, she was painting the roses red.

enter witch

Witch: Look I told you once! notices escapees YOU!

Professor: AHA! My nemesis! We meet again at last.

Witch: So, Pumpkin… you thought you could sneak into my Lair and free my prisoners?! What makes you think you could ever defeat me?

Professor: Well clearly, you hadn’t counted on my latest creation! holding out a jar of jam

Witch: Let me guess. Not jam again!

Professor: Ah, zis is no ordinary preserve I hold. It is a jar of my new exploding jam! rolls jar across floor to witch

everyone except witch cowers, waiting for explosion. Witch stands shaking head

Professor: Ah, maybe zat was just my lunch. I vill look in ze pockets. It’s in here somewhere.

Witch: You pathetic,. worthless excuse for a scientist. And to think I once offered you a place at the head of my evil empire….

Beth: to Baron Dad, d’ya think it’s a good time to get out of here?

Baron: Ay lass. Worra damn good idea.

Professor: I would never use my jam as a weapon of violence pulls large jam-gun out of coat and points at witch. Except now. Vitness the power of the latest brainchild!! Ze ultra-sticky-invisible-cranberry-jam-cannon!!

Beth: Quick, dad. Run for it!!

Witch: How dare you escape now? Didn’t your mother tell you not to interrupt climactic standoffs? Now to Prof. Your toys cannot harm me!

everyone makes a dash for the exit

prof. Fires cannon —sound effect- misses witch and hits Beth and Prince

prof. Legs it after the others, without realising his mistake

witch cowers, and then rises after they have all gone

Witch: Jean-Claude!

Frenchie: Oui, oui, madame

Witch: Stop it, it wasn’t funny the first time! Now summon the rest of the guard and make sure they don’t escape!!

Frenchie: Oui, oui, madame.

Witch: Just get out!

french exits

Witch: turns around and notices Beth and Prince, still stuck to spot> Ah..So it appears one of the professor’s inventions works after all! Who would have thought invisible jam could be so effective? And without the need for expensive special effects too!

Witch: walks over to them> Hmm… So, Prince Fabian, now is my chance to finally tell you what I really think of you toffs!! You retched stinking good for nothing leach of an individual, living off the state, pilfering traffic cones,….Hang on. I’m insulting you. Why aren’t you reacting? You’re the seventh cousin of Prince William twice removed for God’s sake! You wouldn’t take this!!….Wait a minute, you can’t talk, can you? Brilliant, I’ve been wanting to do this for ages, and now seems the perfect opportunity.<puts sexy music on —gramophone? starts posing in provocative positions, to the horror of the onlookers You’re loving it aren’t you, just loving it…Ha ha hahahahaha! You useless, pathetic, redundant worms! Get back in the cell where you belong! pushes them into the cell> Hahahahahahaha

exits, leaving Prince and Beth alone in the cell

Prince: jam wearing off Murrrffffpphhh!

Beth: jam also wearing off Mur, mmm fuuuugggghhh?

Prince: fast show style mmrugopsdf fgiifdrr traffic cone muurfffgghtt cleaner grgfufpsmsdmdff…

Beth: Hurrffghhtrggh cleaner?

Prince: Mmmmm. Gurfffuff condom in shoe mmmfffppphhhh curse fffhhfffff…. shakes last of jam free Of course I was very very drunk.

Beth: also recovered Mmmooh, I see. That explains a lot, but I actually asked how we get out of this.

Prince: Oh I see. Well, it appears the Professor’s jam has only a temporary effect. Quite handy for the plot don’tcha think?

Beth: Hmmm, yes very…. Anyway

Prince: Yes. Anyway. pause So…where are you from?

Beth: We live just over the Suspension bridge in Leigh Woods. But originally we’re from Yorkshire. We have lots of sheep in Yorkshire!

Prince: Yes I’ve heard Yorkshire women are pretty fond of their sheep.

Beth: Yes. They’re so manly…and dreamily strong, hardy, robust, cuddly, and smelly…Oh I’m terribly sorry, I was getting all flushed. I don’t normally get like this around strangers. It must be your heightened sheep pheromones

Prince: Yes, you could call it the stinks effect.

Beth: You’re so funny!

Prince: You’re so wonderfully, beautifully, gorgeously, common!

Beth: Let me stroke the hair on your chest. It’s so lovely and fluffy.

Prince: Well there still is that itch on my back, if you wouldn’t mind.

Beth: Oh I’d love to!

Prince: very contentedly Baaaaaaaa! Mmmm Beth! You have wonderfully supple hands! You could be my Bo-Peep anyday!

Beth: Oh Prince. Your making me feel all hot and sweaty she pounces on him come ‘ere you shaggy beast, God you remind me of home.

Prince: Whoa darling, hang on a minute, we’ve got company you know!

Beth: You mean you’ve got fleas! she pulls back horrified

Prince: No, no, my dear, the other sloanes are just over here. When the witch cast the spell on us, she turned us into what we were last doing holds up a textbook> This is Charles, he was doing some work holds up a bra This is Tarquin, he was UN-doing Penelope’s bra, holds up a cherry pie with a hole in the middle And this is Justin, and he was doing some, erm, baking.

Beth: Right, and what were you doing at the time??? smiles Well, I’ll take care of the others brushes the objects off the table, and lies seductively on the table You Wild thing

Prince: Baaaa!

Beth: You make my heart sing.

Prince: Baaaa!

Beth: You make everything Wild Thing song

Narrator: And with that we end the scene.

Backstage: At long bloody last!

Narrator: looking slightly ruffled> And with that we end the scene, before it gets well too graphic!

Scene 6 — Back at the Brothel

in brothel. Sir Finn is about to chat up Rapunzel

Narrator: Anyway, I think that it’s about time that we got back to the brother for some more good old-fashioned sleaze. Sir Finn has taken Beth’s rejection surprisingly well, along with Crystal…and Jade…and Ruby. But now he’s set his sites on Rapunzel, the only women in the brothel who hasn’t thrown herself at his bulging groin. By being somewhat aloof Rapunzel has caught Sir Finn’s roving eye…

Finn: So if I said you had a beautiful body…

Rapunzel: Yes I would and it’ll be ten groats

Finn: would you hold it against… realises that Rapunzel has already agreed…Ooh Mummy!

Rapunzel: But there’s one condition. pulls out a packet of condoms…we use condoms these days.

Finn: Ok ok…bloody European directives. reads packet>…what? What’s this? Ribbed for the lady’s pleasure? Oh well, I’ll turn it inside out then.

they run off stage

Voice-over: And now, ladies, gentlemen, those of other sexual preferences, and people from Cornwall, The Handy Tadpole is proud to announce tonight’s cabaret spectacular. Starring Madamme Hussein & the purple-headed warriors, Vanessa Feltz, several B-List soap stars desperate to revive their careers, and a few late night Channel 5 “Weather Girls”.

Song: Man, I feel like a woman

near the end of the song, Baron comes in to look for help . Gets mixed up in Song

Baron: eventually grabs the mic. Music instantly stops OI ! People, lesbians and other patrons of his esteemed house of ill repute. My beautiful daughter is in chains.

everyone cheers

Baron: No, it’s not funny. She’s locked in a cell with a giant sheep

everyone cheers again

Baron: Look, stop it will you. This is serious. And there’s this witch, who’s locked them in this dungeon to torture them.

further applause…”Kinky!” “Bestiality!” “Lesbian!” “Bondage” etc

Professor: It’s true my little nymphomaniacs, it’s all true, and I’ve got proof. mysteriously Look into my magic jar of strawberry holds up jam jar and it will show you the witch. few people begin to gather around

Dweezil: Uh, professor?

Professor: Quiet Dweezil, let the minions stand and admire to the brothelites It’s brilliant, just brilliant, no? aside to Dweezil You know I think I want one of them to take home with me, they’re very cute, they’d make a great lampstand, no?

Dweezil: interrupting But professor, there’s nothing in the jam jar apart from well, jam.

Professor: Damnation! trying to cover up Oh, well it’s all true, all of it, all of it I tell you!

Sir Finn enters with Rapunzel followed by the whores

Sir Finn: What? What’s this? I thought I heard between my rampant and frankly downright marvelous lurvemaking whores sigh that darling Beth is in trouble.

Baron: That’s right Sir Finn, the wicked witch has taken her and I don’t know if I shall ever see her again. You’ve got to help me please, I beg you.

Sir Finn: What was that?

Baron: Please help, I beg you!

Sir Finn: Ahh, that’s great, I just wanted to hear it one more time. turning to whores Well it looks like my darling little Jade, Crystal and Ruby that I must leave your buxom arms, the time has come for me to fight evil forces and generally look rather dashing throughout.

Whore 1: No, don’t go, I can’t bare it!

Whore 2: Stay here, you must!

Whore 3: Ohhhhh!

Rapunzel: Excuse me for a minute runs over to woody

Sir Finn: looking at Rapunzel’s retreating bum Mind you, maybe there is time for one last massage before we go…<Baron gives hem evils or maybe not!

Rapunzel: <coming back crying I can’t believe it! Woody said that he can’t come with us to fight the evil witch!

Professor: But why my dear?

Rapunzel: Apparently he’s too fond of this place, put down roots here and all that.

Baron: Exactly. So then I told him that if he thought that, then maybe he and I should break up.

Dweezil: What did he say then?

Rapunzel: He thought that it might be for the best, give him an opportunity to branch out a bit, and try different thing. So that’s it, we’re over!

Sir Finn: hugging her Oh my dear, don’t worry, I know plenty of ways to comfort Baron gives him evils> while thinking about Beth constantly throughout..obviously laughs nervously

Dweezil: Much as this is all very touching… in fact far too touching in my opinion, we do have a mission to complete.

Professor: You are right Dweezil…. I never thought I’d say that.

Sir Finn: But if we are to defeat all the witch’s as-yet-unseen minions, we’ll need more than the 5 of us!

Rapunzel: Sir Finn, you’re not trying to back out of this are you?

Sir Finn: Of course not my dear. I’m the bravest of the brave. But one has to be realistic.

Madame: Quite right Sir Finn, and I would be honoured to join your group of heroes.

Baron: Are you sure Madame. I know you’re fairly butch, and have some fantastic moves…. But this is a mission from which we may never return!

Madame: Don’t worry Baron my dear, this is a panto after all. No heroic character can ever die in panto.

Beetleman: popping up from behind bar I come too. I have strength of 30 ants.

Dweezil: My God! It can’t be!

Madame: No Beetleman, you must stay here and protect my business.

Beetleman: No. Must be warrior like beetle ancestors.

Dweezil: Beetleman? My beautiful prototype! Is it really you?

Beetleman: Oh shit. Dad. Fuck off. Not want to be part of world-domination scheme.

Dweezil: Please son, that wasn’t the only reason I created you.

Rapunzel: Are you saying you created Beetleman?

Dweezil: Yes, and I’ve missed him so much since he left. How’s the beetlewhore?

Beetleman: Killed by giant magnifying glass.

Dweezil: Oh son, I’m so sorry. But plenty more bugs under the log right.

Sir Finn: Look, I hate to break up this little family reunion but… gestures to door

Baron: Oh yes, good idea Sir Finn, as always. I’ve been busting my boiler since we arrived.

Sir Finn: No you idiot, resuce your daughter!

Baron: Oh aye, of course!

Madame: Right then, that’s settled, we’ve got no time to loose, we’d better be off to the castle!

exeunt

Scene 7 — Sword Fight at the OK Wills Bar

Narrator: And so our intrepid fellowship set off to rescue Beth from the clutches of the Witch and the thighs of Prince Fabian…. Not that Beauty or her Beast needed rescueing per se…. separating on grounds of public decency maybe… And so our roving band of Heroes travelled through the wild and desolate Hiatt Baker Woods, fighting off wave after wave of the witches hordes of… erm… Frenchmen. Minions thus defeated, they arrive to find things not quite as they would expect…

<Prince and Beth are on stage, hard asnog, with appropriate sounds. Sir Finn, Baron, Madame Hussein, Rapunzel, and Beetleman enter

Baron: Beth! What are you doing? I brought you up to be a good Yorkshire lass…

Beth: I am being a good Yorkshire lass. <to Prince> My God, Fabian, you are one hell of a snogger. I never knew sheep had such long tongues.

Baron: I had such high hopes for you. Why did you have to be so selfish? You could have married someone rich, wealthy and well-endowed with huge assets, who could have given me everything I wanted…

Madame: Oooh Baron, if that’s what you’re after, I think I may be able to help you.

Baron: Well, Madame, I hardly think this is the occasion.

Madame: You’ve known me long enough, Baron…

Baron: No I haven’t!!! I have never…

Beth: What is going on with you dad?…. anyway, are you here to rescue us or what?

Sir Finn: That is precisely what I intend to do, and rescue you from this hideous foot-and- mouth-infected monster forever.

Beth: Better him than you with your foot-IN-mouth disease Sir Finn. If it’s a choice between marrying you or being locked up with my little lambkin, I think I’d rather stay in here.

Sir Finn: Oh Beth, I see your mind has been warped by your appalling experiences. Never fear my love, I shall set you free. Aha! I spy the aurial unlocking-device for yonder enclosure pending from this stout-stone mural structure.

Rapunzel: The key on the wall?

Sir Finn: Yes.

Beth: Long words don’t impress me much.

Sir Finn: But what about long swords? makes sexual gestures with sword

Prince: Call that a sword? pulls out longer sword

Beetleman: takes key and unlocks cage> In insect kingdom, stag beetles lock horns and fight to death for women.

Madame: I wouldn’t mind being locked by his horn!

Prince and Beth get out of cage

Prince: So, a fight to the death it is then, with the winner taking the lady’s hand in marriage!

Beth: Hang on a second, don’t I get any say in this?

Baron, Sir Finn, Prince: NO!

Beth: But I don’t even…

Sir Finn: Waves sword at Prince. Enter Witch. Beth is mine. How could you believe she would ever fall in love with a flea-ridden sack of wool such as you? Have at you, coward! Points sword at Prince.

Witch: Not so fast! I see that the famous Sir Finn has allowed my prisoners to escape. sarcastic Such a hero! <normal> What you fail to realise is that you’ve merely given me the perfect opportunity to wipe you both out in one go! evil laugh You see I also have a sword!

Madame: Really? It’s amazing what plastic surgery can do for you these days.

Witch whips it out for all to see

Madame: Oh I see….

Prince: En Guarde! steps forward

Sir Finn: Touche! steps forward

Witch: Faberge! <steps forward

Prince: Laboratoire Garnier!

Sir Finn: Ferrero Rocher!

Rapunzel: advert voice With these bad jokes you are really spoiling us..

great big fabulously choreographed fight between Sir Finn, Witch, Prince

enter Professor and Dweezil

Professor: Stand back people, I have found ze correct jar of exploding jam! Pulls out pin

This jar vill explode in three seconds… Three, Two…

Dweezil: Ah, Professor…

Professor: Don’t interrupt me Dweezil, I am busy holding this jar which will explode at any moment…

Dweezil: Haven’t you forgotten something? makes throwing motion

Professor: You vant me to stroke a giant horse? Dweezil does D’oh motion I never vas any good at charades…

Dweezil: Throw it you idiot!

Professor: Von!

He throws jar, which is caught easily by the witch. Everyone cowers, while Witch stands there.

Witch: So Professor, this time you return with your breakfast. dips finger in Ugh, raspberry! I hate that stuff. Oh, actually… has another lick this is pretty good, I didn’t know you were such a good cook, Professor. looks at Professor and stares into his eyes Why, Professor, I’m looking at you in a whole new light. You’re talented and attractive. You’re gorgeous. I love you! Your bald spot really does it for me.

Professor: Ach, that was my special pot of love jam. I was saving it especially for Carol Vorderman. Witch puts jam on her tongue and kisses Professor Oh, I say, I have not felt so good since 1909 when I got that signed photo of Marie Curie. I got this strange glowing feeling inside.

Prince: Excuse me! We were in the middle of a fight. It’s a bit dashed unsporting.

Beth: Oh shut up darling. I think that we’re not going to have any more trouble from this witch… at least til the jam runs out.

Professor: Mmmmm, my liebschen! You’re warty skin is sending shivers down my spine.

Dweezil: And sending my lunch back up my throat.

Witch: Shut up you! Mmmm Professor, don’t tell me, let me guess, you were a trainspotter in your youth… you taste soooo lovely and greasy.

Professor: Come my dear, und I vill show you my locomotive slides.

they exit, arm in arm.

Sir Finn: So, where were we?

Prince: I think you’d just parried my backhand, then you were going for a kick to the groin.

Sir Finn: Ah yes, thanks…. Have at you!… again!

Sir Finn and Prince continue fighting. Prince appears to be winning>

Prince: Will you renounce your love for Beth?

Sir Finn: What’s love got to do with it?

Prince: You cad! Now I shall marry Beth.

Sir Finn: Over my dead body. Sir Finn fights back Aha! The tables have turned. Will you renounce your love for Beth?

Prince: No, never!

Sir Finn: Then prepare to die!

enter Death

Death: The infernal egg-timer of Hades’ Kitchen hath run out. The saucepan of doom hath boiled dry. The eggs of eternity hath been scrambled. Whose sword is not long enough to last the fight? Who needs a few lessons in the game of life? Which one of you can Beth do without?

Narrator: Voice-Over: Weakest Link style Sir Finn is the strongest link in this round, but the Prince has banked the most snogs overall. Will the voting reflect the statistics?

Death: Now, team, it’s time to reveal who you think is The Weakest Link.

<everyone holds up cards. Sir Finn, Baron, Rapunzel, & Madame vote ‘Prince’ Beth, Dweezil, Prince and Beetleman vote ‘Finn’

Death: It appears we have a tie. Therefore the Strongest Link from the last round must decide the fate of these two young pretenders. But we do not have one. And so it falls to me to cast the deciding vote, and I choose… pager goes off oh fuck! Sorry. Got to go. I’ll have to leave you two for now. A tree’s just died on the other side of town. Name of Woody. Bad case of Dutch elm disease apparently. exits

Rapunzel: Oh, Woody! I knew I should never have deserted him in the autumn of his life. If I’d have been there to keep him well pruned, this might never have happened. He was such a lovely tree. I don’t know how I’ll manage without him.

Madame: Plenty more trees in the forest, dear. Rapunzel starts crying

Sir Finn: There, there. Don’t cry. Let me comfort you.

Rapunzel: Sir Finn. But you’re injured.

Sir Finn: Nothing, a mere scratch.

Rapunzel: You’re so brave.

Sir Finn: And you’re so sexy.

they snog

Dweezil: Wow! That was quick.

Beetleman: He speedy like centipede.

Beth: I knew he never cared for me.

Rapunzel: breaks snog Oh Sir Finn… are you sure we should be doing this? So soon after poor, poor Woody….

Sir Finn: Forgive me darling, but I know a thing or two about grief. The best way to remember Woody is to move on as soon as possible. A part of him will always be with you, especially if we build a log cabin out of him. But for now, as you and I have become, well closer than client and escort, and… well…<gets on one knee you’ve got great knockers.

Rapunzel: Oh Sir Finn, you , little softy!

Sir Finn: Not at all my dear. As you well know, I am fantastic in bed and incredibly brave, but you have touched me deeply. Anyway, I really need you to come with me to the err….<tries to think of an excuse for them to leave for a while>….the bank, yes, the bank. I was thinking of making a large withdrawal.

Rapunzel: catching his drift Oh…yess that sounds great

they exit

Dweezil: Looks like everyone’s pairing up… must be near the end then. to Beetleman> So my son, shall you and I go and have a nice long catching up session? I’d love to find out what you’ve been up to all these years.

Beetleman: Escaped, dumped whore, worked in bar, came here. Okay?

Dweezil: Hmmm, okay, how about we just go for a drink?

Beetleman: I give you great “Sex on the Beach”.

Dweezil: Er…. How about we go and find the professor, stop him doing something, or someone, he might regret later….

they exit too

Prince: Now there is nothing to keep us apart.

Baron: Except a very shaggy coat. I’m not having my daughter marrying a sheep! Too common. Everyone in Yorkshire does it and I want you to stand out from the flock!

Beth: Much as I love you as you are, Fabian, I’ve always found short hair very sexy. Whatever shall we do?

Frenchman and Druid Leader enters with knife

French: Never fear my mistress, I have reinforcements for you. Oh, where did she go?

Baron: I’ve been wanting to do this for ages…. lays out Frenchie, who then crawls off stage Not so much of a yorkshire pudding now am I? I can’t stand that bloody man….. <notices Druids Oh shit!

Druid Leader: Hello again, Bernard. So nice to see you again after all these years.

Baron: It was only an hour ago.

Druid Leader: Ah, but we do not believe in your heathen time scale. It has been 473 Dave years since you escaped your rightful punishment.

Madame: I say, stranger, you look rather sexy all in black. I could give you a job in my burlesque house.

Beth: Burlesque house? realisation dawns Oh God! That place was a brothel!!!

Baron: Er… yes Beth, disgusting eh? If I’d have known that before, I would never have become a regular.

Beth: Hang on, you mean…. twigs Oh Dad!

Druid Leader: Silence, spawn of Bernard. He is ours to sacrifice to our great and powerful master Dave.

Prince: But Dave’s is a rather… odd name for a God…

Baron: I tried to tell em that yer highness….

Druid Leader: getting really worked up Look would everyone stop taking Dave’s name in vain? I bet if he were here right now he’d smite you down with a big point-ed stick.

Baron: Oh yeah! Well we’ll see about that one. to sky Come on then Dave yer great Jessie. I’m here and all mortal. Go on, I dare yer! pauses>… see told yer, there’s no such thing as Dave.

Madame: Hang on, everytime you say that, somewhere a Dave dies.

Beth: Don’t be daft, that’s fairies. Look, to audience there’s no such thing as Dave.

another plant in the audience screams and collapses on the floor

Beth: Oh…. Erm…. Sorry.

Druid Leader: Just stop it. There is such a thing as DAVE, and we can prove it….. takes centre stage Dave! Oh all-mighty merciless one! Come forth from your majestic bathroom.

Other Druids: DAVE is great, DAVE is black, so we wear nothing but plastic sacks. DAVE! DAVE! DAVE! DAVE! gets audience into frenzy… hopefully.

Big dramatic ?heavenly SFX

DAVE: voice over Cower brief mortals for I am DAVE!

Druid Leader: See, I told you Bernard!

Baron: Bloody Hell! He was right after all!

DAVE: Silence! It’s really annoying having all you mortals taking the piss out of me. It’s not my fault being and all-powerful deity who just happens to be called Dave. I didn’t bloody chose it did I? But as for all my so-called followers, I’ve got a bone to pick with you lot….

Druid Leader: Have we done something to displease you master?

DAVE: Have you heck! I know my sacred scrolls are a little vague in places, <drifting off a bit I was a bit hung-over when speaking to the odd prophet, but I have deadlines to meet you understand. back to overbearing God-voice> But given that, you still could have at least given them a twice over you morons! When I asked you to deliver me vestal virgins I wanted them alive for my own purposes, you idiot!

Druid Leader: Really? Are you sure?

DAVE: Course I’m bloody sure, I’m omnipotent!

Druid Leader: Oh shit! Sorry you’re greatness.

DAVE: Right. So no more sacrificing, and no more putting the willies up strangers. Got that?

Druid Leader: a bit downtrodden> Yes Dave.

DAVE: That’s better. Right, I’m off to play chess with the Buddha. Ciao.

reversed SFX

Beth: How bizarre.

Baron: Quite, but now back to the question in hand. I will never let a daughter of mine marry a giant sheep, Prince or no Prince.

Prince: Well with the witch renouncing her evil ways, perhaps she could renounce the spell.

Baron: Oh aye, that’d be grand.

Beth: But she could be miles away by now.

Prince: I think I know a way to attract her attention calls offstage Oh damn. It appears my chewing gum’s stuck in the carpet. I’ll just leave it here for the cleaners.

re-enter witch, professor, dweezil, beetleman.

Witch: Don’t you bloody dare!

Prince: No no. It’s alright madam. I was merely hoping you’d remove this awful curse, so I can marry my darling Beth.

Witch: Awwwww! They’re so sweet aren’t they Plumpy?

Professor: Ach! Yes! Young love is a vonderful thing.

Witch: Oh my darling!

Professor: Liebschen!

Beth: Oi!

Witch: Right right, sorry….. May now the spell be ended, and all magics undone,

All men returned to normal, especially this one.

dramatic music

Wills Boys: off stage Hoorah! We’re free! Jolly Good Show! Etc..

Prince: still a sheep ehem.

Witch: I don’t understand it, that should have done it.

Prince: Hmmm. That’s rather odd…. Oh hang on, without Sebastian here, no one was able to trim my excessive body hair.

Baron: You mean there never was a curse, it was all just your freakish hairy chest?

Prince: It’s the only other explanation.

Dweezil: It’s a little tenuous isn’t it?

Beth: Yes, but funny, we hope.

Prince: Anyway, don’t suppose anyone could give me a decent shave?

Madame: Well, this fellow at Druid Leader looks like he could be pretty handy with a knife.

Druid Leader: Yes. I like knives. Big sharp ones… evil grin>…. I’m willing to have a stab at it.

Prince: Erm… I’m not sure.

Baron: Actually, Madame here is very good with a pair of scissors. And other things too…

Madame: Oh Baron, I didn’t know you enjoyed that!

Baron: Oh yes Deirdre, I love everything you can do…. Especially that.

Beth: I don’t know what you two are talking about, but never ever tell me.

Madame: Do you really mean that Baron?

Baron: Oh, come here you gorgeous gigolo!

Madame: Oh you Nobbly Knight!

they snog…. Dear God. Re-enter Sir Finn & Rapunzel

Rapunzel: Boss, Boss I’ve decided to quit….. oh christ.

Sir Finn: I thought Madame batted for the other side?

Rapunzel: She swings both ways…. Well actually every way imaginable.

Madame: You don’t know the half of it duckie. But anyway, with my thriving business in adult entertainment, I think I can probably solve your financial problems too Baron.

Prince: And there’s the whole me-being-a-prince-and-owning-half-pantoland thing.

Baron: Ah yes. I think we’ll be safe as houses Beth love. Assuming we can ever get ours down from that tree.

Sir Finn: looking around guiltily You know my love, I would ask you to marry me, and we’d start out happy, but then we’d have a kid, and probably grow apart a bit. So we’d have two more kids, and then we’d start arguing and end up divorcing, and then we’d be single parents and end up fighting over our kids. sighs So therefore, I think it’s much better that we just keep our relationship purely…sexual. Don’t you think?

Rapunzel: Sounds good to me, I could never see myself as a mothering type really.

Beth: Oh Fabian, everything has worked out so well! I love you so much!

Song: S Club 7 — Don’t Stop Moving