Taking it up the Beanstalk

Written by Will Voelcker, Iszi Laurence, Nick Ambrose, Ben Clayton. Thanks to Adam Crook and Kim Bruce

 

Act I

Scene 0 - Sherwood Downs

 

<SFX: Wind Blowing>

<Someone walks across the stage with a sign saying "Sherwood Downs.  February 1069">

 

<enter two officials, carrying suitcases marked "TAX" in big letters.  They put them down mid-stage>

<Wills Harlot is disguised as a taxman. Moustache?>

 

Taxman:           Vladimir!

 

Wills Harlot:     Yes Dmitry?

 

Taxman:           It has been a good year for taxes, my friend.  A very good year.

I knew when we first met that you were going to be an excellent tax collector.

 

Wills Harlot:     Ah, but Dmitriy, one should not always trust first impressions.

 

Taxman:           What do you mean, my friend?

 

Wills Harlot      Appearances can be deceptive.<pulls bow and arrow on taxman?> You always were far too trusting.

 

<Wills Harlot wolf whistles, two armed merry men enter stage>

 

Taxman:           Robin Hood's Merry Men! You scoundrels!

 

<Spy Music.  Brief fight scene, in which Taxman gets done over and merry men run off with the suitcases>

Scene 1 - At The Sheriff's Castle

 

<enter Narrator>

 

Narrator:          Aaahh, the eleventh century.  It was a time of honour and chivalry.  When men were men, women were men, and sheep kept a very low profile.

 

                        So before I start talking in bad rhyme,

                        Let me take you back in time.

                        Too late.  Never mind.

 

                        Our story takes place in Sherwood Forest

                        Near a Florist.

                        <pause>

For here lived that Robin of Loxley,

                        Hood to friends, but sly and foxy.

He, you see, was not a hero,

His good deeds, did come to zero.

History will record a different tale

Especially taped over with Emmerdale.

The local Sheriff's in the shit,

growing poorer bit by bit.

And good King Richard in the East

Needs cash for war, that costly beast.

We begin our tale in Nottingham castle,

                        Where the topic is money, more specifically, a certain missing parcel.

 

<exit Narrator>

 

<Nottingham castle, Sheriff talking to Guy of Gisborne, two guards at the entrance to the room looking bored. Sheriff dressed in tatty rags, as is Gisborne>

 

Sheriff:              Where are they? Where are they? They were meant to be here hours ago. King Richard W Bush needs that money to finance his little war in the east.

 

Guy:                 Don't worry Sheriff, they're probably just stuck in traffic. That junction 23 is a killer.

 

Sheriff:              How can you be so sure? For months now, every single delivery of cash has been intercepted and stolen; King Richard is getting somewhat agitated that he's not getting his cash for the crusades.  Damn Robin Hood and his evil ways.  Oh, what will Mumsie say about this?

 

Guy:                 She'll be fine.  She hasn't threatened to emasculate you for days, so she must be in a good mood.  Thank God.

 

Sheriff:              Yes, she is a tad moody, isn't she?  You might even think she had a split personality. usually she's lovely, but just occasionally she turns all. evil.

 

Guy:                 You know, I think I might have a split personality.  But it's alright.  I don't.

 

<enter Mumsie>

 

Mumsie:           Morning dearies!  Have you washed behind your ears today, Jack?

 

Sheriff:              Yes mum.  But I was just explaining to guy here that, yet again, there's still no sign of the taxes!  And what with that damn stupid war in the gulf.

 

Mumsie:           This war's such a waste of money. They should spend it on community ventures, like that feminist drama society they just opened.  Without continued funding it'll go bankrupt!

 

Sheriff:              Yes, we can't that happen. You know, Guy, I like my women... I like them furry.

 

Guy:                 But if it closes, they might start shaving again.

 

Sherriff:            Pity. But how can we afford it?

 

Guy:                 Well, I could go down the docks dressed in this.. <holds up dubious outfit> Nudge nudge, wink wink, you know?

 

Mumsie:           <evilly>I wouldn't do that if I were you.

 

<Enter Messenger>

 

Messenger:       Sheriff! I come with urgent news from His Majesty King Richard.

 

Sheriff:              Ah ha! A likely tale.  You were sent by Robin Hood, weren't you?

 

Messenger:       Me sir?

 

Sheriff:              Indeed, only a man of great cunning could enter my castle on such a ludicrous pretext.  Well, we've got you!  We've already had a messenger from the King today, he dropped round this morning. Such a confident and charming chap.

 

Messenger:       I promise you sir, I've come direct from Dover, with the King's words barely dried on the parchment here in my hand.

 

                        <Reading> The King Commands his loyal subject Sheriff Jack of Nottingham to deliver seventy shiny pounds in the hands of seventy shiny warriors direct to the crusade in the name of Jesus.

 

Guy:                 Christ!

 

Messenger:       Yeah, that's the one.

 

Mumsie:           Jack, darling, maybe this one is the real messenger? I mean, the last message was a little suspect.

 

Sheriff:              I suppose it was a tad unorthodox. I don't see how burning my knob off with battery acid was going to help the war effort.

 

Mumsie:           <aside> Might stop you playing with it all day.

 

Sherriff:            Come to think of it, it was a bit strange that messenger carried a bow and arrow with him everywhere.  Then he told me that they'd taken the word 'gullible' out of the dictionary.

 

Guy:                 Really, why did they do that?

 

Sheriff:              <ignoring Guy> Blast my eyes with lynx aftershave! That Robin Hood has tricked me again.

 

Messenger:       Well sir, the orders of the King remain. You must provide his majesty with the funds and the men he requires on pain of death. You've got 48 hours.

 

Messenger Exits

 

Sheriff:              What are we going to do? All our cash has been stolen by that blasted bandit for his own evil ends.

 

Mumsie:           I thought he gave it all to the poor?

 

Sheriff:              Well, his redistribution of wealth ideas went out of the window ages ago. Thank goodness, it played havoc with the economy. 

 

Guy:                 Yeah, nowadays he's more Tory than Michael Howard's latest bestseller, 'How to kick the working classes in the teeth: A beginner's guide to practical goosestepping.'

 

Sheriff:              Well, Blairite is the term he prefers - the money grabbing git.  Look, we're going to have to find something to sell, otherwise it's the gallows for me, and the Fiery-Gerbils-Up-The-Bum-Chamber for you.

 

Mumsie:           What about me?

 

Sheriff:              Rocky Horror Show I expect.

 

Guy:                 But we've already sold the Nintendo, the Jenga, and all of our pornography.

 

Sheriff:              There is nothing left to sell.

 

Guy:                 Oh, we could sell the cow!  She'll fetch a good price. Nice firm udders.

 

Sheriff:              That is no way to talk about Maid Marion. There's no way we can sell the king's cousin. This isn't Bangkok!

 

Mumsie:           No no Jack, he doesn't mean her, he means the cow, you silly sausage.

 

Sheriff:              But she's my best friend. We went to school together, I used to let her kiss me goodnight. We danced at parties, I drank her milk and she... <bursts into sobs> I'd rather die than sell Clarabel.

 

Guy:                 <tragically> Fine, I'll just go and kiss goodbye to my seven kids. With their mother dying last year they're gonna be orphans in 47 hours time.

 

Sheriff:              47 hours time? Ah yes, the horrible death. Ok, ok, you can sell Clarabel. I'm too young and pretty to die.  Just make sure she goes to a loving home.  Somewhere she'll be appreciated, you understand?

 

Guy:                 Yeah, I understand.  Appreciated.

Scene 2 - In The Market Place

 

Guy:                 Hamburgers!  Lovely fresh Hamburgers!  Get them while you still can! ...I say, not a lot of action round here, is there?  Strange. Hang on, there's a group of people coming this way.

 

<enter Sherwood Forest Feminist Drama Society (all rather butch men).  They walk over to stall>

 

Steve:               'Ello there.  Did I hear you say Hamburgers?

 

Guy:                 Why yes, sir.  Nottinghamshire's very finest selection of quarter-pounders, cheeseburgers and sirloin steak.

 

Steve:               I see.  I mean, it's just that I wondered if, by 'Hamburger', you actually meant 'person from Hamburg.'?  See, we in the Sherwood Forest Feminist Drama Society; all men of course, could do with a European member or two.

 

Guy:                 Nah mate.  All out of sauerkraut.  Freak.  So you guys are feminists, then?

 

Steve:               We are.  We like women.  Isn't that right, Bazza?

 

Barry:               Yeah, we like women. From behind! <dirty laugh>

 

Steve:               Well put.

 

Mike:               Hey, what's that cow there for?

 

Guy:                 Oh, sorry, I didn't explain.  This is a 'mince your own cow' hamburger stall.  You get to do it all yourself. <hold up implements of torture>

 

<general look of disgust>

 

Barry:               We're vegetarians!

 

Steve:               Look, mate, the lads and I 'ave got some serious hardcore feminising to do at Club Platinum this evening.  Ta-raa!

 

<exeunt the feminists>

 

Guy:                 Well, bye then!  Liberate lots of females!  Oh well.  No luck so far.  Hang, on... someone else is coming! 

 

<enter Rumplestiltskin, in silly beard>

 

Guy:                 Oi mate, do you wanna buy a cow?  It's a fresian!

 

Rumple:            Well I can see that, she's shivering, poor thing.  But no, no use for a cow at the moment my friend. But can I ask you something quite important?

 

Guy:                 Certainly.  Go ahead.

 

Rumple:            <asks in secretive manner> Do you sell toothbrushes?

 

Guy:                 Er.. no. Try the chemists.

 

Rumple:            Right-ho.  Thanks anyway <exit Rumplestiltskin >

 

Guy:                 Oh, dear God.  Sure he's got a point of some sort.

 

                        But I'm worried now.  This market closes in five minutes. If I don't manage to get anything at all for the cow, the Sheriff will have my balls for breakfast.  Apparently they go lovely with lemon.  But you'd have thought somebody would be interested in buying a great big furry pantomime cow <pause. No response> Oh well.  I suppose not.

 

<dramatic chord. enter 3 bin-bag clad druids, who stop stage-right in dramatic pose>

 

High Druid:       Shopkeeper!

 

Guy:                 <to audience>  Oh my god it's the Sherwood forest druids.  Bloody tree hugging hippies.  What do they want now? <To druid> Yes? 

 

High Druid:       Myself, Derek, Beryll, and our beloved brother Stephen the Knobbly, are going to buy your cow! Whether you like it or not! <cackles>

 

Guy:                 But I want you to!

 

High Druid:       Really?  What price?

 

Guy:                 Er... Dunno.  Hadn't thought about that.  How about... one hundred thousand pounds?

 

High Druid:       No.

 

Guy:                 50 grand?

 

High Druid:       No.

 

Guy:                 10 grand?

 

High Druid:       We offer...  <holds up bag> Some beans!

 

<dramatic music>

 

Guy:                 Er. Right.  That's all, is it?

 

High Druid:       Whether you like it or not! <cackles>

 

Guy:                 Right.  Well I suppose every little helps.  And no-one else wants to buy this damn cow.  You've got yourselves a deal.  But you must remember not to kill, maim, or otherwise sacrifice Clarabel to the Dark Lord.  You're to provide her with a loving home. Understand?

 

High Druid:       Oh absolutely.  We druids actually worship our cows. 

 

Guy:                 Oh great.

 

High Druid:       Then we nail them to our front porches and use the udders as doorbells.  Here, take the beans.  And, by the way... they're magic; worth their weight in gold! <cackles insanely again.  Exit druids with Clarabel>

 

Guy:                 What load of freaks. Worth their weight in gold? Golden Grahams is more like it.  How am I gonna explain this one to the boss?

Scene 3 - Robin Hood's Treetop Hideaway

 

Narrator:          And so now the cow is sold

                        But the story shall unfold

                        For Robin's men have got a treat

                        A stranger wandering in the street,        

                        Was taken back to Robin's den

                        Where his gang of merry men

                        Are trying to discover who

                        This stranger is and what to do

                        With him.

 

<Morris Dancing. Messenger is tied to a chair in obvious discomfort while merry men dance ridiculously around him. Song winds down>

 

Messenger:       Enough! No more! Mercy!

 

<Little John claps his hands, song stops.>

 

Messenger:       Thank god!

 

Little John:        So - who are you? And tell the truth or I'll make them dance again.

 

<Little John signals to One-Eyed-Maid-Earlier, who points a bow and arrow at the Messenger.

Messenger is a crap liar.>

 

Messenger:       I told you before, I'm just a travelling shoe salesman.

 

Medium-sized Tom:      Where are the shoes then?

 

Messenger:       Erm. I'm buying - not selling.

 

Medium-sized Tom:      Well, in that case, you don't have anything we need to know... shoot him!

 

Messenger:       I'm not a shoe salesman!  I'm important, honestly!

 

Medium sized Tom:      So who are you then? And what are you doing here?

 

Messenger:       I'm one of King Richard's most humble servants, and I've just delivered a message to the Sheriff of Nottingham.

 

Earlier:              Can I kill him now?

 

Medium sized Tom:      No. Don't shoot the messenger. He could be useful. Robin might be interested in what this chap has to say. Little John, why don't you keep our guest occupied? Introduce him to the group.

 

Little John:        Ok, Medium-sized Tom.

 

<Medium sized Tom & One-Eyed-Maid Earlier exit. Little John unties messenger.>

 

Messenger:       What?!  They're going to get who? Robin? Not Robin Hood! He's the most notorious bandit in the whole of England!

 

Little John:        Yeah, well, he's pretty good, a professional thief - could have your wallet, tie and g-string quicker than you can say 'is it a bit cold in here?' As for us, we're Robin's merry men, so called because of our Morris dancing, skinny dipping and that stash of booze we nicked off the Epi.  My name is Little John.

 

Messenger:       Why do they call you Little John?

 

Little John:        <loudly> The water was cold OK! Anyway, this here is Fryer Tuck, makes excellent chips. And this is Will's Harlot, she's a hooker from Wills Hall.

 

Will's Harlot:     Escort. Besides, I'm more affordable than the other girls. Buy one end, get the other end free.

 

Messenger:       I thought you'd all be men, being called the Merry Men and all that.

 

Maiden Heaven:           Typical, that's what they all say.  Trouble is, all the men have left for the crusades, leaving us women to step in the shoes of the absent.  Not that we can get any shoes now the cobblers have fucked off <sighs whimsically>

 

Little John:        Yeah, this is one of the Maidens we have on the team.

 

Maiden Heaven:           Welcome, I'm Maiden Heaven. The men call me that because I'm a nymphomaniac, own a brewery and don't mind it when they fart in bed.  Pity all the men left, actually, when they're all so damn sexy.

 

Little John:        And this is BIG DAVE

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright.

 

Little John:        And this is... <comes to a gap in the line of merry men> oh, has anyone seen Maid Earlier?

 

Will's Harlot:     Maid Earlier? She was around here somewhere.

 

Fryer Tuck:      I think she's off adjusting her eye patch.

 

Messenger:       Eye patch?

 

Little John:        Yes, unfortunate accident with an arrow. Lost an eye you know.

 

<Maid Earlier walks on stage.>

 

                        Oh and here she is, here is one eyed Maid Earlier. <be dum tish!>

 

Maid Earlier:     Yeah, and just cos I've only got one eye doesn't mean I can't aim a bow and arrow.  I'm the best sharpshooter in Sherwood Forest.

 

<Middle-sized Tom enters>

 

Little John:        And this is of course Middle sized Tom...

 

Middle sized Tom:        Little John! Quick, get that guy tied back up, Robin is seriously pissed off. Says we should never have shown one of the King's men into our secret hideout.  Oh god, there's Robin Hood now!

 

<Lights darken as Robin strides in wearing full Elvis gear.>

 

Messenger:       What, behind the fat, ugly and unconvincing Elvis impersonator?

 

Robin:              Whoa! Where is the dude with the Dick fixation? Ah ha! King Richard's messenger!  Well let me tell you baby, there's only one King here and that's me, Robin Hood.

 

Messenger:       But why are you dressed as Elvis?

 

Robin:              It's not important. Now spill all the gossip from the Sheriff's castle or we'll do to you what we did to Jimmy's old Mustang that made my momma drop her home-made blueberry pie.

 

Messenger:       I don't know anything!

 

Robin:              I know you know what I wanna know so if you know what's good for you the answer to my question better not be no, you know?

 

Messenger:       Er... yes. No I mean no.. erm.

 

Robin:              Wait-up. Fryer! Get me a peanut and jelly sandwich. Deep fried. Oh, and a bottle of champagne. Deep Fried. Now, messenger guy start spilling or I'll let old one eye here to demonstrate her aim without depth perception.

 

Messenger:       What do you want to know?

 

Robin:              Well, we already know about the Sheriff's money worries. What we wanna know is have they got anything else we could steal?

 

Messenger:       Well, I read in the Daily Mail that there's a magical old bird locked away in the Sheriff's Castle that lays eggs of purest gold! Right below the bit about how Asylum Seekers cause Cancer.

 

<Robin and Tom step away from messenger, so he can't hear>

 

Tom:                Hey, boss.  Isn't there some old bird called Marion who lives in the castle?  It's gotta be the same one, hasn't it?

 

Earlier:              Gotta be the one, boss.

 

Robin:              uh-uh huh! <the Elvis noise>  So you're saying this Marion honey can lay golden eggs?  I'll just go straight to that castle and she can make me scrambled eggs for breakfast, yeah. Then I'll use the shell to get me a suit.

 

Heaven:            A shell suit?

 

Robin:              Yeah!.

 

Merry Men:      Hurrah!

 

Fryer Tuck:      Er... do you really think she lays golden eggs? I mean it seems a bit strange.

 

Robin:              I've seen stranger things in my toilet bowl, fat boy.

 

Fryer Tuck:      I'm not fat, I'm big bellied!

 

Robin:              So, the plan is, we raid the tower, nab that bird, get the eggs, and we'll be rich, baby! We'll be able to defeat King Richard and I'll become everyone's King. The King, yeah.

 

<Song - A Little Less Conversation?>

 

Earlier:              So that's your plan for world domination?  Turn everybody into Elvis impersonators?

 

Robin:              Yeah.  Pretty groovy, huh?  But I'm not prepared to take over the world before becoming super-rich.  Oh, and one-eye?

 

Earlier:              Yeah?

 

Robin:              Shoot this guy will you? <points at messenger>

<Messenger Screams as lights go out.>

 

Scene 4 - Back At The Castle

 

<In Nottingham Castle the Sheriff is sitting at a table when he hears knocking.>

Sheriff:              Come in!

 

<Guy enters>

 

Ah, Guy, I trust you carried out the errand successfully.

 

Guy:                 Yes sir, all 12 issues of Playboy waiting in the bathroom, just as you asked. And six boxes of Kleenex.

 

Sheriff:              Good work my friend, excellent job.  What of the cow?

 

Guy:                 Well.. <looks a bit reticent>

 

Sheriff:              You sold her didn't you?

 

Guy:                 Yes.

 

Sheriff:              Well how much did you get?

 

Guy:                 <dramatically> I got twenty grand... beans.

 

Sheriff:              Twenty grand beans?

 

Guy:                 Yes sir, and some fine beans they are too, if I may say so myself.

 

Sheriff:              Oh dear.  Guy, that's not good.  In fact, it's crap.  It's such a mammoth cock-up, it could have a porn site dedicated to it. 

 

Guy:                 Well, it's an excuse to get Broadbeaned.

 

Sherriff:            Well, we're all out of food. We'll just have to eat them.  I'll get my mother back up here, she'll knock something up for us.

 

Guy:                 To be honest, compared to eating your mother's cooking the prospect of being boiled alive by King Richard seems rather appealing.

 

                        Anyway, I'm not sure they're edible; they're supposed to be magic or something.

 

Sheriff:              What a load of tosh. Mumsie!  Two bean casseroles please, on the double!

 

<Enter Mumsie>

Mumsie:           Hello!  How was the market, children?  I hope you were careful; it's seedier down there than a sale in a seed shop!   Now, what would my favourite little boy like for dinner?  Two Mumsie Bean Specials was it?

 

Sheriff:              Yes, mother, and make them beany. <hands her beans>

 

Mumsie:           Right-ho.  It's 'been' a while, but I'll 'runner' long now and see what I can do. And. tidy your room young man, or a swarm of enormous daddy-longlegs will come along and gobble your testicles all up.<Exit>

 

Guy:                 What a strange woman.  Her threats aren't exactly the most convincing ever, are they?

 

Sheriff:              Well, true.  But she does have several strong points - like her stomach muscles and her right arm.

 

Guy:                 That's only half humerus!

 

Sheriff:              And her cooking's a lot better than it was.  She picked it all up from my dad.

 

Guy:                 Was he something of a culinary legend?

 

Sheriff:              Yes.then he became my mum.

 

Guy:                 That would explain the facial hair.

 

<Enter Mumsie>

Mumsie:           Oh, stop nattering, you two!

 

Guy:                 Well, I suppose it was starting to drag.

 

Mumsie:           <Darkly> Don't you talk to me about drag, boy!

 

Sheriff:              <eating> Anyway, we're currently located in deepest, darkest, doo-doo.  Guy, you're a tit. But never fear, I am sure I can save us.  Oh, and Mumsie?

 

Mumsie:           Yes dear?

 

Sheriff:              Too beany. <spits mouthful of beans out the window> Goodnight!

 

<Exit the Sheriff>

<Mumsie Slaps Guy>

<exeunt>

Scene 5 - Maid Marion's Boudoir

Narrator:          So alas the messenger's dead

                        But did you hear just what he said?

                        To Robin he in error told

                        That Marion laid eggs of gold

                        And Robin's greed will overcome

                        He'll kidnap the girl to become

                        The richest man in all the land

                        But Marion, we understand

                        Lives in a tower, alone, except of course

                        Her dear companion, a nun in her service...

 

MI:                   Oh Marion. You really should think about leaving the tower.

 

Marion:            I'm just so depressed. I just don't think I can go downstairs, what with King Richard spending all the dosh on this silly crusade when I have absolutely nothing to wear.

 

MI:                   Why don't you just spend some of the money in your saving account?

 

Marion:            But I need that to look wealthy.  And I really need a new ball gown - you know I can't possibly wear the same thing twice. Civilians do that. Anyway, it's ok for you isn't it? Nuns are perfectly happy looking absolutely ghastly. Isn't that right sister?

 

MI:                   It's Mother. I've been promoted.

 

Marion:            What, you're Mother Superior now?

 

MI:                   Still Mother Inferior I'm afraid. Bastard bureaucrats.

 

                        Oh, sorry Lord I know I shouldn't swear.

                        <does sign of cross with hands on chest while uttering 'Hail Mary' then hits herself over head with frying pan>

 

                        Still, it's only one more badge before I become Brown Owl.

 

Marion:            I prefer Snowy Owls, like Harry Potters pet, Hedwig.

 

MI:                   But I don't wear a wig?

 

Marion:            Oh well. <sigh> I just wish there was some exciting new man for me to meet.

 

MI:                   Well, I've got the latest video of Bachelors by Post.  They promise 90% of princesses married within one month!

 

Marion:            That's upside down. It's zero point six percent! That's not even a whole princess!

 

MI:                   Well it's the best fucking chance you've got dearie. <pan routine again>

                       

<Meanwhile Marion puts on the tape>

<Blind Date or similar cheesy gameshow music starts>

 

Presenter:         Welcome to Bachelors by Post.  Eligible bachelors brought right to your door. In a box!

 

MI:                   <impressed> How convenient.

 

Presenter:         My name's Archibald Angus-Smithe, you may remember me from such movies as Britney's Crossroads and Madonna's Swept Away. Both straight to video <sad look for a second>

 

First up, we have hunky Harold from Hull!

 

<enter Harold, nerdy computer bloke. Dressed like Mr Muscle>

 

                        Harold is six foot five, and likes to work out!

 

Harold:             Hello ladies. In my spare time, I love to play with my computer. We could while away the hours together recompiling my Linux kernel. Once you've seen my hardware, you'll never want to go back to three-and-a-half inch floppies!

 

MI:                   Oh, sounds fascinating!

 

Marion:            I don't think so. Next!

 

Presenter:         Thank you, bachelor number one.  Next up is shapely Simon from Slough. Simon is a world-renowned food connoisseur, and Mr Universe 2003!

 

<enter Simon, big fat bloke. Eats crackers while talking. Incomprehensible..>

 

Simon:              Heloe hhhhhphm giohg shagging goij  gjiogj. Fdoij fw artichoke!

 

MI:                   Oh he's just my type.

 

Presenter:         <To Simon> Look, they can't hear what you're saying. Give me that! <pointing at Simon's food>

 

Simon:              Fuck off! <guards food, small fight ensues as presenter wrestles food off, move to back of stage and continue fighting quietly.>

 

<dialogue continues over fight>

 

Marion:            Well, they were just as awful as usual.

 

MI:                   I despair. Why don't you just go out into town? There are plenty of nice young men at Wedgies who'd love to marry you.

 

<Simon jumps on presenter Sumo wrestler style. Cast ignore this>

 

Marion:            I know everyone is just trying to marry me off to get rid of me. I couldn't marry except for love.  And how could I love anyone without a decent sized bank account and a professional singing career?

 

MI:                   Well you won't meet anyone locked up in here. Come on, downstairs with you immediately.

 

Marion:            <strop> No! I'll scream and I'll scream until I'm sick! I'm going to stay here until some prime beefcake god comes to rescue me. <stamps foot>

 

MI:                   With that attitude the only people who could possibly be interested in you are sadists, terrorists or the Welsh.

 

<Enter Merry Men from behind, they sneak up on Mother Inferior and Maid Marion>

Though if anyone fancied kidnapping you it would be pretty easy.  Look, you've got a ladder outside your window that anyone could climb. I keep telling you it's a security risk but no, you never listen to me, do you?

Marion:            How else is Mr Perfect going to get up her? Anyway, it's not as though bandits are sneaking up on us right now is it?

 

MI:                   I have a horrible sensation of being watched.

 

<Follows a hilarious Panto 'he's behind you' bit>

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright?

Marion & MI:   <Scream>

<Marion is dragged off>

MI:                   Don't worry Marion I'll save you from those fuckers! Oh shit I swore <cross thing + pan> Christ that hurt <pan> bollocks <pan. Knocks herself out>

<MI dragged off by henchmen>

<Black-out>

<exeunt>

Scene 6 - Nun of the Above

<Robin's evil lair>

Robin:              Uh huh, well some-one get me another fried peanut butter jelly sandwich and I'll be just fine.  It's almost fifteen minutes since my last snack.

 

Earlier:              I'll go and fetch Fryer Tuck, Robin. 

 

Robin:              I can't stomach this tardiness. Where is Maid Earlier? Dang, that bitch is always late.

 

<Middle sized Tom enters with other merry men and hostages>

Robin:              Well what's this?

 

Tom:                The bird who lays golden eggs, my lord.

 

Robin:              Damn it boy, I wanted a proper bird; like a goose who lays eggs, not some jumped-up rich chick.

 

Maiden Heaven:           That's what we thought too, sir.  But you have to admit, she does have a bit of a 'foul' personality.  Oh, arrogance is such a turn-on.

 

Marion:            What's going on? Welease me at once you wotters!

 

Robin:              Hey hunny it's like this.  I am the King of cool. And you, sexy mamma, better lay me some golden eggs so I can get more peanut butter, understand me? Who's this other chick?

 

Marion:            She's my Mother Inferior.

 

Robin:              Dang, I can't deal with no nuns. They are always so unhip it's a wonder their habits don't slip off. Sparky.

 

MI:                   Unhip? You can talk with your phoney Elvis impersonations.

 

Robin:              I'll have you know the King will always be cool, and while I'm in charge everyone worships the King.

 

Marion:            Why?

 

Robin:              It's all part of my plan for world domination - one day, everyone will be king.  Or rather, the King, just like me.

 

Marion:            Now that's Evil!

 

Robin:              Than' ya very much.  I'm glad you appreciate the king round here.  When we're in my place, what I say goes.  Right guys?

 

Merry Men:      Right!

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright.

 

Marion:            You can't get away with this! I shan't do anything you tell me!

 

Robin:              Forget it honey.

 

Marion:            Do you know how humid the air is in this stupid little tree house? My hair will go frizzy and then I'll look really silly.

 

Robin:              Darlin', as far as I'm concerned, you could look like a Sumo Wrestler on a pogo stick jus' as long as I get those eggs! We heard direct from the King's messenger that you can lay us golden eggs.  And, if you don't, the nun gets it.

 

Marion:            Gets what?

 

Robin:              Gets my sweet sweet candy! <shakes hips> Then she dies. Or is it the other way around?

 

Fryer Tuck:      Don't do this!

 

Robin:              Say what?

 

Fryer Tuck:      Nothing, Robin. It's just that she's a lady of the cloth.  Such nice cloth. And she's so pretty. Pretty eyes, pretty clothes, pretty hair.  I think she's got pretty much everything going for her!

 

MI:                   <indignant> I'm married to the Lord!

 

Fryer Tuck:      I'd battle a hundred Turks for a delight like you.

 

MI:                   I'm a nun. A NUN! Available to nun.  No-one. Not even if they are terribly sweet, <dreamily> with big round eyes, quite the most extraordinary shade of orange.

 

Robin:              Unless Marion here lays me some gold, you'll both get it.

 

MI:                   Get what.. ah. <realises>

 

Marion:            But the sheriff will come after you! He'll make you pay!

 

<Merry men all laugh>

Robin:              That poxy little sheriff don't scare me. You know, I even shot him in the foot once, and his little sidekick, Guy..

 

Tom:                No, no that was me. Don't you remember?

 

Robin:              I shot the sheriff... okay, I didn't shoot the

deputy.

Marion:            You can't do this!

 

Robin:              I already have!

 

Earlier:              The Sherriff will never get in here, we've got the best guards money can buy.

 

Maiden Heaven:           And it's far too high up!

 

<they all laugh>

 

Robin:              Mwah ha ha ha - than' yer very much.

 

Plant:                <boos>

 

Scene 7 - Intrigue and in debt

<Sheriff in study>

 

Mumsie:           Now, darling.  Don't talk to your mother like that.  I've warned you what the bogeyman might do to your privates.

 

Sheriff:              Oh of course.  Sorry mother, I'll do the washing up ASAP.

 

<Knock on door>

 

Sheriff:              Oh someone's at the door. Come in!

 

<enter Guy>

 

Guy:                 They've gone, sir!

 

Sheriff:              Who's gone?

 

Guy:                 The bitch and Mother Inferior, they've vanished! Marion hadn't rung room service for a whole 20 minutes, so we went up to her room, opened the door and found this...

 

<Guy hands Sheriff a note tied onto an arrow.>

 

Sheriff:              (reads) ... "Yah boo, smelly Sheriff lost his Marion, we took her and the nun and he can't have 'em... love Robin Hood. Ps. Cheers for the large chest of gold marked "emergency cash" we found in her underwear drawer."  What the hell?

 

Guy:                 Oh yeah, that'll be the large reserves of gold king Richard gave us to keep hidden in case Robin Hood nicked all the taxes.

 

Sheriff:              What?  Why didn't you tell me about this?

 

Guy:                 Dunno. Didn't think it was important.

 

Sheriff:              Guy, you are a tit. Even though getting rid of Marion may mean our sanity is safe; unless we get that money back our lower intestines are destined to serve as the world's first ever garden hose.

 

Mumsie:           But, how are you going to find their evil lair?

 

Sheriff:              You know, what we really need is someone to walk in here right now and tell us where it is.

 

<Fryer Tuck enters>

 

Fryer Tuck:      I know where they've taken Marion!

 

Sheriff:              Hmm.  What we really need is a hundred naked nymphs .and a bright, shiny, Ford Mustang.  <waits but nothing, maybe a herring thrown on the stage> Was worth a try.  Who are you anyway?

 

Fryer Tuck:      I'm Fryer Tuck, Robin Hood's top henchman and personal chef.

 

Sheriff:              Quick! Arrest him!

 

Guy:                 I don't want to arrest him. He's bigger than me.

 

Mumsie:           Don't look at me!

 

Sheriff:              We can use him as bait for Robin Hood..

 

Fryer Tuck:      If you do that, your gold will be lost in the forest forever.  And we'll keep Marion.

 

Sheriff:              Well that's something.

 

Fryer Tuck:      Well, yeah.   But I'll get you the gold back in return for a portion of the proceeds and a job here as cook.

 

Guy:                 Yes!  No more of Mumsie's cooking.

 

Mumsie:           <evilly> Watch your lip, young man.

 

Fryer Tuck:      And I get the girl...

 

Guy and sheriff: <shocked> Marion?!

 

Fryer Tuck:      No, the nun.

 

Sheriff:              But she's a nun!

 

Fryer Tuck:      So what? My dad was a nun. <pause> Is it a deal then?

 

Sheriff:              You lead us to the hideout and we sneak in and get the gold?

 

Fryer:               And the girls.  I can take you to the hideout but I can't get you in - they've got guards, and one of those burglar alarms that the dog keeps setting off.

 

Sheriff:              So how do we get in?

 

Fryer:               Well, you could plant a really really fast-growing shrub next to the tree, where they least expect it, and climb up and get in through the back door.

 

Sheriff:              Like you do.

 

Fryer:               Anyway, I'm off... take this piece of paper; I've written directions to the treehouse on it.  Good luck!

 

<Fryer Tuck exits.>

Sheriff:             Excellent, guys, this is great news.  We've got help from the inside.  As I see it now, nothing can stop us going to Robin's treehouse, getting the gold back, and the girls.  In fact, I'm so happy, I think it's time for a dance number.  OI, you!  Musical director!  Hit it!

 

<Song - Summer 1069>

 

Sheriff:             But. what kind of tree grows quick enough for us to climb it the next day?

 

ACT 2

Scene 8 - Bedknobs and Beanstalks

 

<Lights fade up on the inside of Nottingham Castle to reveal it is morning of the next day.>

 

<enter Narrator>

 

Narrator:          Ah, 9 o'clock in the morning.  It's a time when men are men, women are frogs, and sheep work for al-qaeda.

 

No, hang on.  Anyway.

Welcome back, for it is act 2

Poor old Sheriff is somewhat screw.ed

                        He needs money for the king

                        Insert funny line, ending in 'ing'.

                        <pause>

                        He sold his cow to raise some cash

                        But Guy of Gisborne made a hash...

                        For he sold the cow yes it was he

                        But sold it not for currency

                        Now Robin has Marion, and cash- how it gleams!

                        And the Sheriff has nowt 'cept a twat and some beans.

                        But all is not lost!  For with help from inside

                        There's hope for the Sheriff to regain his lost pride!

                        And. his. gold.

                        But what he needs now is a tree, really tall

                        and, if scene 2 I correctly recall

                        they bought some beans of magical essence.

                        Maybe they'll help. Hmm.

 

 

<enter Sheriff with beanstalk poking out of his arse.  He stops in the centre of the stage and pauses for thought>

 

<Enter Guy from the same side with beanstalks poking out of his ears>

 

Guy:                 Sir!

 

<Sheriff turns around & sees Guy>

 

Sheriff              Ah!  Guy.  You look a bit like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.  Have you looked in the mirror this morning?

 

Guy                  Oh my God, it's my hair, isn't it - it can be bushy in the mornings.  Why is it always me?  Why don't you ever look stupid?  <Sees Sheriff's arse, somehow.?> Oh.  You do.

 

Sheriff:              What do you mean?

 

Guy:                 Well, sir, I hate to be the one to point this out, but your behind appears to be. fertile.

 

Sherrif:             So, it is.  Damn.  You should see your ears.

 

Guy:                 What?  Oh, my God, I've sprouted!  Help!

 

Sherrif:             Hang on, Guy.  Did you say those beans were magic?

 

Guy:                 Well, according to the druid, yeah.

 

Sheriff:              I wonder. hang on, Mumsie!

 

<Enter Mumsie>

 

Mumsie:           Yes dear?

 

Sheriff:              How many of those beans did you put in the lunch yesterday?

 

Mumsie:           Oh, about half the packet.  Strangest thing, though.  Everyone in the palace has beanstalks growing out of various awkward places in their bodies.  We're starting to look like an entry for the Chelsea flower show!

                        <thinks for a second>

                        Ah, it must be those beans!

 

Guy:                 Oh shut up you silly woman.  Of course it's not the beans

 

Sheriff:              Hey! That's no way to 'stalk' to a lady!

 

<Guy glares at him>

 

Mother:            Oh, 'leaf' him alone, poor boy.  And shut the door.  Were you born in a barn?

 

Sheriff:              Sorry, mum. <Sheriff shuts the door>

 

<to Mumsie> But he is a bit of a rotter, isn't he?

 

Mother:            At least he'll make good compost.

 

Guy:                 That's it, I'm going.

 

Sheriff:              Wait, wait.  Look, we're sorry.  If I remember rightly, I spat some beans out of the window yesterday. If they grow this fast, maybe. remember what Fryer Tuck said?

 

<Goes offstage.  Comes back.>

 

                        Guys, there's a giant beanstalk grown in our garden. Hey, if we planted the beans outside Robin Hood's lair, we could make a new beanstalk, climb up it, and nab the gold! Just like Fryer Tuck suggested!

 

Mumsie:           <evil>No shit Sherlock.

 

Sheriff:              But we'll need back up. the question is. who?

 

<At which point the chuckles brothers walk across the back of the stage, carrying a ladder, during next bit knock each other over with it and stuff>

Paul:                 To me.

 

Barry:               To you.

 

Paul:                 To me.

 

Barry:               To you.

 

Paul:                 To you.

 

Barry:               To me.

 

<They stop and notice Guy's problem>

Barry:               Oh dear.

 

Paul:                 Oh dear oh dear.

 

Barry:               Oh de.

 

<sheriff shoots the chuckle brothers>

 

Paul:                 But we're the celebrity guest appearance!

 

Barry:               We can tapdance!

 

Sheriff:              <shoots again> Bloody Chuckle Brothers.  Come on,  let's go.

 

<exuent>

<Blackout>

Scene 8.5 - Lunchtime Raid

<Robin's Tree-House.  Robin and men are standing around.  Bag on table, centre stage>

<Porno Music>

<Robin and his men are standing around, chatting, drinking tea, hitting Marion over the head with mallet's mallet, etc>

Robin:              So, anyhow, Little John, tell me that one again about the Englishman, the Irishman, and the high explosives.

 

Little John:        Oh, ok.  If I must!  It's like this.

 

Offstage:           Oh my God!  Guys, you've gotta catch this!  'Neighbours' is on telly, and Sindi, Nina, and Susan Kennedy are all about to discover their latent lesbianism!

 

MS Tom:          Oh my God!

 

Robin:              Jeepers, darn it!

 

Little John:        Whoa!

 

Heaven:            What does latent mean?

 

Fryer Tuck:      Dunno, but it sounds HOT!

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright!

 

<they all rush offstage, except Mother Inferior>

Inferior:            I'll just stay here and water the plants, if you don't mind. <starts watering plants>

 

<Enter the Sheriff, Guy, and Mumsie>

 

Sheriff:  <stage-whispers> Right, Guy, get the gold.

 

<Guy picks up the bag on the table>

<Sheriff inquisitively gives Guy the thumbs up>

<Guy returns the thumbs up to say, "we got it">

 

Sheriff:  <stage-whispers> Great.  Now let's get the hell out of here.  <Sheriff puts a black rug over Inferior's head>

<Exeunt>

<Enter the merry men>

MS  Tom:         How on earth did they get that in there..

 

Little John:        Yeah!  So anyway, the Englishman is sitting in this Café in Belfast train station...

 

Earlier:              Aaaargh!  It's gone!  All gone!

 

<Blackout>

Scene 9 - The Melting Money

 

<Enter Sheriff, Guy, Mumsie, and Mother Inferior >

Sheriff:              Right, chaps.  Excellent work.  Good stuff!

 

Guy:                 We really showed them, eh!

 

Sheriff:              Went in, got everything worth getting, and got out again! All without even creasing my y-fronts.

 

MI:                   But what about Maid Marion? We just left her there, at the mercy of those evil bandits! God knows what they'll do to her!!

 

Sheriff:              As I said, we got everything worth getting.

 

Mumsie:           Yes, I do think it went rather well.

 

Guy:                 Now we just need to wait for King Richard to return, and hand over the money.  We may even get a pay rise out of this!

 

Inferior:            But what about Maid Marion!

 

Sheriff:              Anyway, about that gold.

 

Inferior:            Are you ignoring me?

 

Sheriff:              Guy!  Let's open the bag and count the money.

 

Inferior:            I'm sworn to protect her!

 

<Sheriff and Guy continue to ignore mother inferior>

 

Guy:                 Ok, so I'll open the bag then shall I?

 

<Guy opens the bag>

Sheriff:              How much is there?

 

Guy:                 Erm. all the gold's melted.

 

Sheriff:              What?  And. how can money melt?

 

Guy:                 When it's made of chocolate.

 

Mumsie:           You stole a bag of Chocolate coins? Well, that's a bit of a let down!

 

Sheriff:              Guy, you're a tit.

 

Inferior:            Listen to me you fuckers <pan routine>

 

Sheriff:              Blimey.  Ok, what do you want?

 

Inferior:            We have to go rescue Marion.  She may be a bitch, but that's the way it is.

 

Sheriff:              Look. Not having her at the castle will do wonders for staff morale.

 

Mumsie:           Jack, that's a terrible thing to say about a lady. Though come to think of it, she is a two-faced trollup.

 

Sheriff:              See, Mother, even you hate her!

 

Mumsie:           Well, good point, Jack, but you'd better go and rescue her, or that thing I told you about yesterday might happen.

 

Sheriff:              Mum, there's no such thing as the genitalia fairy.  But ok, I'll rescue Marion, if only to keep you two happy.

 

Guy:                 What?

 

Sheriff:              <to Guy only> Don't worry.  I've got it all sorted. <holds up muzzle> Heh heh heh.

 

<blackout>

Scene 10 - 'Eggs'-Screment

Open in Robin Hood's treetop lair.  All merry men present, plus random elf with bow + arrow..  Marion is on a stool, behind a curtain. Robin's men are discussing her 'golden eggs'

Robin:              I just can't believe it!  All my chocolate gone without a trace!  That just gets right on my nerves!

<Robin turns to Marion>

Robin:              Hey honey what's happenin' with the layin'?

 

Marion:            Look, you've made a terrible mistake...

 

Robin:              Well I don't know what kind of a mistake we've made darling but I warn ya, if you don't start layin' golden eggs pretty darn soon, I'm gonna turn meaner than a skillet full of rattlesnakes.

 

Marion:            Look, I've told you before. I'm not a fucking magical goose!

 

Little John:        Goose, schmoosse.  That's what they all say.  Lay, damn you, lay.

 

<little John hits Marion over the head with pink cuddly mallet>

Marion:            Stop it!

 

MS Tom:          Don't listen, John.  Keep 'em coming.  No man can withstand Mallet's mallet for longer than 5 rounds.

 

<little john hits her over the head with the mallet>

Marion:            Ow!  <spits at him>

 

Medium Sized Tom:      I bet she's hiding those golden eggs away somewhere.  Wonder what she's got stashed away behind that curtain?

 

Wills Harlot:     Hang on, Medium-Sized-Tom.  I'll go and investigate.

 

<Wills harlot inspects>

Wills Harlot:     Well, she's been laying alright, but there's something very strange about these eggs.  They're all brown and sticky.  But they're not sticks.

 

Maiden Heaven: Wow. A new variety of free-range organic eggs! We could make our fortune selling them in Waitrose.

 

Marion:            Those aren't eggs. They're something quite.. different.

 

Maid Earlier:     The cunning wench has fooled us!  She doesn't lay golden eggs at all!

 

Robin:              Whoa there, slow down lassie.  If she doesn't lay those golden eggs, then there must be hundreds of them, all stored up inside her.

 

Tom:                So how are we going to get them?

 

Robin:              If I know my female anatomy there's only one way, and that's with a scalpel and a pair of bellows.  Play our cards right, and in a few hours time, we'll all be riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.  Deep fried. Big Dave, prepare the surgical table.

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright.

 

Robin:              Now sit back and wait for the golden eggs to come rolling in.

 

Maid Earlier:     But don't you think the Sheriff might come back to steal the real gold?

 

Robin:              Yeah, but that dirty varmint don't scare me.  We got protection.  Guys and gals, meet Rumplestiltskin.

 

Rumple:            (Offstage) DON'T SAY ME NAME YER BASTARD! <Enters, and attempts to stab Robin>

 

Robin:              Whoa, man , calm down.  All I did was say your name.  Now, Rumple here is gonna be our first line o' defense against that pesky Sheriff and his gang of big o' mamma boys.

 

Fryer:               But... how does he work?  <inspects rumple>

 

Robin:              Rumple here is the finest club bouncer in all the land.  No man can get past his watchful eye, dad gum! His only weakness is that if some feller guesses his name, he has to let them pass.  But it's such a goddamn stupid name so they won't.

 

Maiden Heaven: Hey that sounds pretty cool!  Hey Rumpie, fancy a bounce at my nightclub? <sidles up to him>

 

Rumpie:            No.

 

Robin:              So the scene is set.  Rumpie-pumpie, if you wouldn't mind, take up your post at the beanstalk.  The rest of us will sit back, relax, and get ready to extract some eggs.  BIG DAVE?

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright. <brandishes bellows>

 

<As lights down...>

Marion:            No!!!! You'll pay for this you stupid bastards!

 

Scene 11 - Rumple Rumbled

<Lights up>

<on stage: a sign pointing off stage-left. "To Beanstalk">

<Intro to "the black pearl" from Pirates of the Caribbean is playing, but stops>

<Enter Narrator>

Narrator:          And so the scene is set

                        For a cracking tete-a-tete.

                        Between Robin and the Sheriff who,

                        As any Panto scholar would construe,

                        Has fortune on his side but still

                        His struggle is uphill.

                        Between him and his prizèd gold

                        Lies Rumplestiltskin.

 

                        Sod this I'm off to the Epi.

 

<exit Narrator>

<enter Sheriff, Guy, Mumsie, and Mother Inferior>

Sheriff:             Right, this the last showdown.  King Richard arrives back in two hours, and if any of you value your spleens, you'll agree it's very important we don't mess up.  To this end, I propose a plan.  Guy. don't do anything.  Excellent, let's go!  Nothing can stand in our way!

<Turns round to notice that during the last speech, Rumplestiltskin has entered, and is blocking the route to the beanstalk>

Rumple:            <irritating smile and wave, or something>

 

Sheriff:              Ah.

 

Mumsie:           Who's that?

 

Rumple:            Madam, let me explain.

 

                        In West Philadelphia, born and raised,

                        In the playground was where I spend most of my days

                        Chilling out, maxin', relaxing all cool.

 

Guy:                 <interrupting> Hang on a minute! I've seen you around.I'd recognise that beard anywhere. I saw you on CrimeWatch.Your name. Rumplestiltskin, isn't it?

 

<silence>

<Rumple pulls out pistol and shoots Guy, who falls down dead>

Guy:                 Ugh!  My Spine!

 

Rumple:            Don't say my name yer bastard.  Right.  Where were we?  Oh yes.  When a couple of guys...

 

Sheriff:              Hang on a minute.  Did you just shoot Guy because he guessed your name?

 

Rumple:            Um... Let me put it like this.  <Addresses entire group "Little Britain"-style, very fast> Look into my eyes.  Only the eyes - see only the eyes.  Not the beanstalk, just the eyes, look into the eyes.  You didn't hear the name, not the name you didn't hear the name, ok?  You don't know why he's dead, it's all very confusing.  Very confusing & remember, you didn't hear the name.  Ok, 3,2,1 and...you're back in the room.

 

Sheriff:              Weird.  Guy just dropped down dead for no apparent reason.

 

Mumsie:           Yes.  And he said something odd, but I can't quite remember what it was.  It's all very.

 

All 3:                <zombie-fashion>Confusing

 

Sheriff:              Right, as you were saying...

 

Rumple:            I'm the bouncer here.  And you're not getting in unless you guess my name.  Sound fair?

 

Sheriff:              Well...

 

Rumple:            Oh, and by the way, if you don't guess it within 100 tries, I eat your first child.

 

Sheriff:              So, if we don't guess your name, you'll eat my first child? <interested> Do you sedate them first?

 

Mumsie:           Jack!

 

Sheriff:              Sorry mother.

 

Sheriff:              OK, Rumple,, what would you do if we all got together in a rugby scrum and took you by force?

 

Rumple:            It doesn't work.  Trust me - I've tried.  Look, just guess.  It's the only way.

 

Sheriff:              Oh fine... Bernard

 

Rumple:            No.  Try again.

 

Sheriff:              DAVE?

 

Rumple:            Nope.

 

Mumsie:           Hang on, let me have a go.  How about. something aristocratic. a lord I think. Lord Nipple maybe.  Lord Nipple of Breasticles!

 

Rumple:            No.

 

Sheriff:              Mumsie- that's stupid!

 

Mumsie:           Well, I was just trying, darling.  Am I not allowed to have a go?

 

Sheriff:              No you're not, mummy.  Just keep your mouth shut and leave it to me...how about Englebert Humperdink?

 

Rumple:            No.

 

Sheriff:              We're never going to get it.  We really need help from an insider in the evil gang who knows this guy's name.

 

<enter Fryer Tuck, behind Rumple>

Fryer:               I can help!  Did you really think I'd abandon my darling Mother Inferior?

 

Sheriff:              Always works.  Every time.

 

Inferior:            Tuckie!

 

Fryer:               Mother!

 

<they embrace>

Inferior:            I knew you'd come back for me!  You're such a good man at heart!  Let's go backstage right now and make mad, passionate, love!

 

Fryer:               Oh, Mother Inferior, I'd love to but, we can't!

 

Inferior:            Why not?

 

Fryer:               Because you're a nun.  And I'm fat.  And we need to stay to help the Sheriff defeat Rumplestiltksin.

 

<Rumple mimes hypnotising the others again>

Sheriff:              Sorry old thing, what did you say his name was?

 

Fryer:               Oh for Christ's sake.  Look, his name...

 

Rumple:            Wait a second mate, you realise that, if you do this, I'll be forced to eat your first child?

 

Fryer:               That's not going to stop me.

 

Rumple:            Why not?

 

Fryer:               I'm in love with a nun and we're not allowed to have sex.  It's pissing off, but what can you do.  I'll never have any children!  Your plan is foiled!

 

Rumple:            Bah! Fidelity never works.

 

Fryer:               Rumple, it's over.  Your name is.

 

Rumple:            You bastard!  Don't say it!

 

Fryer:               Why shouldn't I?

 

Rumple:            Let me explain.  In song, by the sound of things.

 

<Rumplestiltskin song>

 

Mumsie:           Ah!  So it's Rumplestiltskin then!  I should have guessed!

 

<Everyone looks at her strangely>

 

Sheriff:              So, Mr Stiltskin!  It appears we now have rights to access Robin Hood's evil lair, and I demand to be let in.  <Turns to the others> My friends, my mum, this is indeed a great day for the forces of good.  I see it as a good omen, which bodes well for the future.  Let us now go, and fight the good fight...

 

Fryer:               Get on with it!

 

Sheriff:              Ah, yes.  Sorry.  Let's go get the gold back.  Oh, and beardie <turns to Rumple, leans in, business posture> about the child-eating service.  I can't afford a nanny.

 

<Mumsie slaps him>

            Ow!  Oh right, yeah.  Sorry.  Let's go guys, on the double!

<Exeunt stage-left, apart from rumple>

<Rumple shrugs his shoulders>

Rumple:            Oh well.

<Rumple gets out sign saying "golf sale" and exits stage right>

Scene 12 - The Final Showdown

 

<Robin's Treetop Hideaway.  Dim lights>

<Music: Intro to "Black Pearl" again >

 

Robin:              Alright men, are you ready?  Little John?

 

Little John:        Yes sir.

 

Robin:              One-eyed maid Earlier?

 

Earlier:              Yep

 

Robin:              Middle-Sized Tom?

 

MS Tom:          Aye-aye Cap'n.

 

Robin:              This ain't a goddam sailing trip.

 

Robin:              Everyone else?

 

Everyone:         Hooy!

 

Robin:              Well in that case I'm as happy as a gopher in soft dirt.  BIG DAVE, position the bellows!

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright.

 

Robin:              Excellent.  Soon that hunny will be givin' up her eggs and the money will be flowin' in like a frog-stranglin' stem-windlin' gully-washer.

 

<enter Sheriff, Mumsie, Mother Inferior, and Fryer Tuck>

Sheriff:             Not so fast, Robin Hood!

<music stops. Lights up>

Marion:            Sheriff!  You came to save me!

 

Sheriff:              No I didn't.  Someone gag her.

 

<BIG DAVE gags Marion>

Marion:            Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm!

 

<Merry men wheel Marion offstage>

 

Robin:              What?

 

Sheriff:              I said, not so fast Robin Hood!  I got past your defences and this time I'm not going to mess up!

 

Robin:              Oh, Fryer Tuck.  You always were a low-down-no-good-double-crossin'...

 

Sheriff:              Robin, I just see it like this.  You're screwed, cos we're gonna win!  Yeah!

 

Robin:              Right.  Well, Guys, what do you say to that? <turns to merry men>

 

Earlier:              I say we shoot 'em dead, right now. <wields bow and arrow>

 

Little John:        Yeah.  And then we have their guts for garters.  My socks are falling down.

 

MS Tom:          Nah, you're screwed cos we're gonna win. <affects east london accent> In fact, if you stay 'ere, we'll kill ya.  If you leave, we'll kill ya.  If you hide behind the curtains we'll kill ya.  In fact, you're gonna find it very hard to stay alive Sheriff.

 

Sheriff:              Right.  I see your point.

 

MI:                   You know, maybe we shouldn't have come back.

 

Mumsie:           Maybe a nice bowl of Mumsie Nottingham consommé would help bring this to an easy conclusion? < aside, evilly> Particularly my "special" consommé. heh heh heh.

 

Sheriff:              Stop it mum, that's just disturbing.  No, what we need now is a helping hand of some sort.  Again.  But sadly there's no-one mad enough to come on such a perilous mission of their own accord.

 

Fryer:               Hang on, I hear something!  Someone's coming!

 

< dramatic music>

<enter druids, and Clarabel>

High Druid:       Hah!

 

Sheriff:              Oh fuck.

 

High Druid:       Myself, Norman, Elsie, and our beloved sister Hermione the Incontinent, would like to propose a deal with you, Robin.

 

Robin:              I'm a-listening brother.

 

High Druid:       We would like Robin Hood, and his merry men, to give up the money, renounce evil forever, and become... merchant bankers.

 

<Druids cackle insanely>

And in exchange for this, we will provide. some beans!

<dramatic music>

                  

Sheriff:              More beans?  Oh for fuck's sake.

 

High Druid:       But these are no ordinary beans! 

 

Guy:                 Now that's a surprise.

 

High Druid:       With these beans you have the power to persuade people to do anything! Even eat a kebab. sober!

<Druids ooh and ahh>

                        What do you say?

 

Robin:              Sounds a fair deal - I'm all shook up.  But why don't you just keep them? Then you could persuade me to renounce evil without having to give up anything.

 

<Druids huddle together>

High Druid:       We hadn't thought of that.  We'll just be off then.

 

Robin:              Good idea, the exit is just over there <motions towards side of stage the druids aren't at>

 

<exit Druids and Clarabel>

<SFX: Aaaaaarghhh! Mooooooo! SPLAT>

Robin:              Oh didn't I mention the vertical drop? Whoops.

 

MS Tom:          Right, so anyhow.  You guys are still buggered.  <to sheriff etc>

 

Mumsie:           I know!   Let's do what they always do in the movies - stand together in a huddle, and you guys can attack us one at a time, thereby giving us a fighting chance of winning!

 

Earlier:              Ok!  Good idea!  I'll go first!  Bring it on! <approaches menacingly, wields bow> Wotcha gonna do?  Eh?  Eh?

 

<'enter the dragon' theme music starts in background>

Fryer:               Now, Sheriff.  As might be immediately obvious, One-Eyed Maid Earlier has only one eye.  Thus, her only weakness is her lack of depth perception.

 

Sheriff:              So how do I beat her?

 

Fryer:               With a plastic dinosaur on the end of a piece of string. Watch. <Extracts plastic-dinosaur-on-string from his pocket and waves it in front of Earlier>

 

Earlier:              A dinosaur?  Oh my god!  Look out!  It's a giant flying Tyrannosaurus Rex heading straight for us!  AAAAAARGH!!

 

<One-Eyed-Maid-Earlier Runs Offstage>

<Momentary Pause of the Enter the Dragon Theme>

<SFX: Aaaaargh! SPLAT!>

<Music continues>

Little John:        That was easy! 

<starts showing off with his sword>

Fryer:               Now, Little John can be defeated by taking the piss out of the size of his willy.  Call him 'mouldy mushroom man' and he goes to pieces.

<music stops>

Little John:        Oi!  Who you calling mouldy mushroom man?

 

Sheriff:              Er... You.

 

Little John:        <verge of tears> I just can't take it!  Why are you all so horrible to me?

 

<little john runs offstage>

<SFX: Aaaargh! SPLAT!>

<music continues>

 

Wills Harlot:     Let me go next.  <to sheriff and co.>Naughty intruders, be afraid, for it is I, Wills Harlot, upper-class escort, who is currently attempting to remove the breath of life from your frail limbs.

 

Fryer:   Now, Wills Harlot has a secret yearning to be in the upper echelons of society, when in fact she's actually common scum.

 

<Mumsie steps in to attack>

Mumsie:           I'll take this one. Wills Harlot, I've heard that Prince William is short of a date tonight. Oh look, he's just over there.

 

Wills Harlot:     Perfect!  My dreams have come true! <runs off stage. SFX: Aaaargh! SPLAT>

 

Mumsie:           <like Darth Vader> All too easy.

 

Robin:              Hey guys, how about a punch up?

 

Sheriff:              Oh yes, ready chaps?  On 3...

 

<brief fight scene>

<the following people (on the left in the list) end up winning in sub-fights against the following:

Middle Sized Tom -> Fryer Tuck

Robin Hood -> Mumsie (but not without a fight!)

BIG DAVE -> Mother Inferior

Sheriff (only goodie to win, holding in suggestive position, looking

sheepish) -> Maiden Heaven>

 

Robin:              Looks like you lose again Sheriff!  Except this time you seem to have won. Ah.

 

Heaven:            Oh, Sheriff, I love the way you're holding me.  It makes me so... horny!  Do you want to go home and break some laws together?

 

Sheriff:              You know, they always told me I had animal magnetism.

 

MS Tom:          Yeah!  You only pull dogs!

 

Robin:              Hey fellas, what you gonna do about this one, then?  Gonna hope for another magic escape?

 

Mumsie:           Well, actually, I wouldn't be at all surprised if some feminists...

 

<enter feminists>

Steve:               So Bazza, I said, No private sessions before 3 in the afternoon?  What kind of bastard lap-dancing club is that?

 

Bazza:              When I was a lad they had proper... Hey! The Sheriff's in trouble!  What are we gonna do Mike?

 

Mike:               Dunno, get em?

 

BIG DAVE:     Alright!

 

Steve:               Hit 'em hard, lads!

 

<feminists pull out water pistols, shoot the merry men in the face, and then run and pin them against the wall when they try to wipe it off>

Sheriff:              Excellent work, chaps.   That's shown them eh?

 

Fryer:               You know, Mother Inferior, all that violence makes me feel so romantic. Let's get married!

 

MI:                   But we can't!  Nun law states explicitly that we aren't allowed to have sex, at least with another person.

 

Sheriff:              Hmmm... that is a problem.

 

<Enter messenger, with arrow through headr>

Messenger:       Lord Sheriff!  I come with an urgent message from His Majesty, King Richard.

 

"His Majesty, King Richard W. Clinton would like to announce that he is breaking away from the Catholic Church once and for all. He would like to make it clear that this is mainly so he can have six wives and brutally murder two of them. He also points out that it would allow a nun and a humble chip salesman to get it on, if such a situation should pertain." That's it.

 

Sheriff:              Result!

 

MI:                   Oh, Tuckie!

 

Fryer:               Oh, mother!

 

<they embrace>

MI:                  Let's go backstage right now and make mad, passionate love!

Fryer:               Haven't you asked me that before?

 

MI:                   Yes, but this time, I'm legal.

 

Fryer:               Mother Inferior!

 

MI:                   Fryer!

 

<they run off, hand in hand>

Sheriff:              Now, Robbers; what are we going to do with you then?  I, mean you are the baddy, and you are supposed to be quite horribly punished.

 

Robin:              Hey, dude, cool it.  All this agitation ain't satisfactioning me right now.

 

Sheriff:              No, you've really got to be hideously punished, I mean, it is a panto.

 

MS Tom:          Oh my God, guys!  Someone forgot to tie up Maid Marion properly!  She's got the gag off and she's coming back!

 

<everyone cowers.  Enter Marion>

 

Marion:            I can't believe you did that to me.  Darling Richard will be so angry with you when he gets back from the Crusades.  I'm absolutely sure he'll have all your heads chopped off and handed out as desk-tidies in the royal palace.

 

Sheriff:              <gets up>Hmmm. Marion?

 

Marion:            What?

 

Sheriff:              You know how you've been looking for a husband recently; Particularly one with a decent sized bank account and a professional singing career?

 

Robin:              No!  No!  You wouldn't!  <to Marion>Marion, you don't want to marry me, do you, honey?

 

Marion:            Oh, darling, it's a wonderful idea!  Think of all that fun we could have!  You could buy me clothes, cook me breakfast in bed, apply my mascara, kiss my feet, wipe my chest when I dribble. and all the while, because we'd be married, I could be as horrible as I liked in return!

 

Robin:              <to Sheriff> Man, this is way too harsh.  You can't do this to me!

 

Sheriff:              Well, Robbers, you must admit.  You have been pretty nasty in your time.

 

Robin:              No but. but...but.but... <breaks into feeble voice, without Elvis accent> I can't marry Marion!  She's horrible!

 

MS Tom:          Oi, boss.  What happened to the accent?

 

Robin:              I never had it.  I was just putting it on to pull birds.  <remaining merry men storm off> Oh look, everyone's leaving. .

 

Sheriff:              Well, Robbers, it's tough, but I think I'm going to have to marry you two off. 

 

Robin:              But it's just so unfair!

 

Sheriff:              Well, it is harsh.  But there's something my dad always used to say in these occasions, which always made me feel better.  It was... do you fancy a pint?  I hear its karaoke night down the Old Duke this evening.

 

Robin:              <perks up a bit> Oh, alright!  Actually... make mine a double archers and lemonade.

 

Mumsie:           You're not going anywhere unless you tidy yourself up.  You're a disgrace to the human race! <evilly>But then, we're not all totally human, are we?

 

Sheriff:              Why do you keep doing that?

 

Mumsie:           What?

 

Sheriff:              Saying random evil things. I find it rather upsetting!

 

Mumsie:           <evil> If I told you that I'd have to kill you.

 

Steve:               Yeah, mate, she's got a point

 

Bazza:              Come on, let's go to the pub.  On the double!

 

<exuent>

<blackout>

<lights up.  Then, disco lights.  Robin and Sheriff singing something suitable, possibly "Everybody Needs Somebody" or "The Timewarp">

 

 

 

Song Lyrics

A Little Less Conversation

A little less conversation, a little more Elvis please

All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me

A little more fat and a little fake Hair

A little less chat and a little more square,

I'm gonna make the whole world Elvis, you try and stop me.

Try and stop me baby

 

Baby I can't stand this Pop Idol, it's a load of goddam cheese.

Makes me feel quite suicidal, like sexually transmitted disease.

 

A little less conversation, a little more Elvis please

All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me

A little more fat and a little fake Hair

A little less chat and a little more square,

Everybody must become the King, to satisfy me

Satisfy me baby

 

Come on baby I'm tired of Busted

That kind of music leaves me disgusted

Come on, come on

Come on, come on

Come on, come on

<make up something>

 

A little less conversation, a little more Elvis please

All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me

A little more fat and a little fake Hair

A little less chat and a little more square,

Everybody must become the King to satisfy me

Satisfy me baby

 

Everybody Needs Somebody to Love

We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight, and we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of the Panto Law Enforcement Community who have chosen to join us here in the Brunel Suite Ballroom at this time.

We do sincerely hope you all enjoyed the show, and please remember people, that no matter who you are, and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there are still some things that make us all the same. You, me them, everybody, everybody.

 

Everybody needs somebody

Everybody needs somebody to love (someone to love)

Sweetheart to miss (sweetheart to miss)

Sugar to kiss (sugar to kiss)

 

I need you you you

I need you you you

I need you you you (In the morning)

I need you you you (When my soul's on fire)

 

Sometimes I feel

I feel a little scared inside

When my mother mistreats me

I never never never have a place to hide

I need you

 

Sometimes I feel

I feel a little scared inside

When my mother mistreats me

I never never never have a place to hide

I need you you you

I need you you you

I need you you you

I need you you you

I need you

 

You know people when you do find somebody

Hold that woman, hold that man

Love him, please him, squeeze her, please her.

Hold, squeeze and please that person, give 'em all your love

Signify your feelings with every gentle caress

Because it's so important to have that special somebody

to hold, kiss, miss, squeeze and please

 

Everybody needs somebody

Everybody needs somebody to love

Someone to love

Sweetheart to miss

Sugar to kiss / I need you you you / I need you you you / I need you you you

 

Summer 1069

 

Got this real good feelin'

Things are gonna work out fine

This day will go down in hist'ry

Tis the summer 1069

 

We know who took our gold

Merry Men led by Robin Hood

And we know just where he's hiding

Can't be long till we make things good

 

Oh when I look back now

We were always going to get the gold back

And though we've sold the cow

It's as if there's nothing we lack

This is the best day of my life.

 

Now that we've found his hide out

We just need a way to climb

To get up, nab his prize possessions

It's gonna feel so sublime!

 

Oh when I look back now

We were always going to get the gold back

And though we've sold the cow

It's as if there's nothing we lack

This is the best day of my life.

In the Summer 1069

 

Now we must just comprehend

What we should do with Marion And Friar's lady-friend

Perhaps we could send them to Belgium - to Belgium, no!

 

Though I don't know why

Richard Needed to wage this holy war.

<evil>If I were I King, I would have much more fun,

chasing puppies with a large chainsaw.  (Jim added those two lines.  Tehe!)

 

Oh when I look back now

We were always going to get the gold back

And though we've sold the cow

It's as if there's nothing we lack

This is the best day of my life.

 

Rumplestiltskin

 

Rumple            Don't say my name

                        Don't say my name

                        Don't say my name

                        You bastard!

 

Fryer               Rumplestiltskin, Rumplestiltskin, why can't I tell them your name?

                        I'm feeling blue, don't know what to do and it's driving me insane

Rumplestiltskin, Rumplestiltskin, I'm going to tell them your name

I love her so, Robin's got their dough, just let me say your name.

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Fryer               I'll say your name (x2)

 

Rumple            Don't say my name, Dwayne.

 

                        I've got great fortune and I've got great fame,

                        Protection of nightclubs the aim of my game,

                        I can get nasty and cause you great pain,

                        So seek not to know when it comes to my name.

 

Fryer               Rumplestiltskin, Rumplestiltskin, I'm going to tell them your name

I'm feeling blue, don't know what to do and it's driving me insane.

 

Rumple            Don't say my name, pain.

                        Don't say my name, pain.

 

                        If you annoy me or if you displease

                        I'll make off with the first child that you conceive.

                        I show no mercy, my powers are feared,

                        Not to mention my 'tasche and ridiculous beard.

 

Fryer               Rumplestiltskin, Rumplestiltskin, why are you playing this game?

                        I love her so, Robin's got their dough, so please tell me your name.

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Fryer               I'll say your name!

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Mumsie            Is it Steve or Wayne?

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Sheriff             It's Luke, isn't it?

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Inferior            I think it's Shane!

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Fryer               It's not Peter or Jane.

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Mumsie            Is it Charlemagne?

 

Rumple            Don't say my name.

 

Fryer               It's...it's... Rumplestiltskin!

 

Rumple            Bugger.