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23½-HOUR PANTO SUMMER 2003
Directed by Adam Crook
Produced by Helen Lamper
Written by Ben "Mighty Toast" Clayton, Adam
"El Nino" Crook, Rob "Whose Shirt is it anyway?" Egginton and Will "Beetleman" Voelcker
Character List:
Wendy Buttocks - The heroine of our tale
(shortly to be confiscated by Customs), Wendy is a girl who is unfortunate to
be picked on to suffer the trials and torments of the tale. If she was in America, she could sue for thousands of
dollars in damages caused by the stress of it all.
Peter Pan - A drunken sot with illusions
of grandeur and the need for a working NHS.
Captain Whisk - The fearsome Captain is
a salty sea dog with an unusual appendage and a tendency to kidnap children to crew
his barnacle encrusted. ship.
Tinkerbell - Only present to put bums on
seats.
Pinocchio - A little wooden puppet with
a growing.reputation. A bit of a pervert.
Snow White - An incredibly daft girl
with expertise in the domestic service. Lives with seven guys!
Narrator -
Rumplestiltskin - Twisted figure with a
penchant for rhyme and dubious facial growth.
Sir Alfred Fellatio - Magistrate in the
service of the King of Pantoland.
Prince Al Ah Ming - A mysterious figure
that is searching for his one true love.
A Wolf (Whistle) - Furry fairy-tale
creature with a fondness for Grandmothers and Pigs. On toast.
Pig (Gammon) - I really don't know what
else to say, it's fairly self-explanatory.
Writer - The true personification of
evil, a warped mind that somehow escaped from the Arts and Social Sciences
Library with texts on voodoo, advanced robotics and the entire collection of
Asterix comics!
Seven Dwarves (Doc, Greedy, Grumpy, Dirty, Sticky, Sleepy and Lanky)
- Several horizontally challenged people with questionable
hygiene, dodgy facial hair and four brain cells between them.
Gimli - Son of Groin, warrior of short
stature. Somehow ended up in Pantoland when he sailed east from Middle Earth
looking for the Grey Havens.
Sloshed Boys (2) - Peter Pan's loyal
companions and drinking buddies. Can be found in the Berkeley.
Panto Police (2) - I can't say anything
rude about them because they'll hear me. Oh no.they're coming!
Whisk's Sailors (2) - Two sailors
who appear to be doing nothing in Whisk's attempts to leave Nether Nether Land.
Scene One - Wendy's House
Lights Up
Narrator:Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to give an especially warm welcome to
the ladies in the front row, but I'm a professional so I'll keep my hands to myself.
Are you all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
A long time ago, in a far off land; so long ago that no one can remember when and
so far away that no one can remember where, something happened. but no one can
remember what. So I'll just make it up. Once upon a time, there was a dull,
ugly little heifer called Wendy Buttocks...
<Wendy Enters>
Wendy:Oi! Narrator boy! Come here!
<Narrator walks over to Wendy who knees himin the groin and hands him a different script. She then climbs into bed and goes to sleep>
Narrator:<slightly winded> Wendy was different to other girls. Apart from being brighter, faster, kinder, braver. oh I can't read this crap.
Wendy: Watch it, smart-arse.
Narrator:<sigh> But what really set Wendy apart from the other prim Victorian girls on her
street was that one sticky May evening, this happened.
<Narrator exits as Peter Pan enters through the window, badly. SL. He gets up and staggers around for a while, waking Wendy in the process>
Wendy: Oh! What are you doing here? Who are you?
Peter:<spying bedpan and grabbing it> I'm Peter <puts bedpan on head>
Wendy: Why are you wearing that?
Peter: Because it's a perfect fit.
Wendy You're potty
Peter: Pan actually. What are you doing in my bed?
Wendy: Wha...?
Peter:Never mind! <And he leaps upon her>
Wendy: Get off! Get off! Get off!
Peter: But I'll take you to heaven and back.
Wendy: You mean you can fly?
Peter: Well, that's not what I meant. But yes! Absolutely! Look; I'll fly out this window!
<He leaps out of the window SL>
<There is a large crash>
Ouch. MY SPINE!
<Prince enters SL as far as Pan with Horse>
Prince: Excuse me. Are you Rapunzel?
Peter: No.
Prince: Oh. Sorry.
<Prince exits SL>
<Peter climbs back in.>
Wendy: Are you alright?
Peter: Yup. Lucky I was wearing protection.
Wendy: Thank goodness. Now, you've got ten seconds to explain who the hell you are before I call the police.
Peter: Why, I'm a Sloshed Boy of course! We're fearsome soldiers, with pans on our heads and musical pants, fighting the evil Captain Whisk in the tropical Nether Nether regions and freeing all the little children he steals.
Wendy: Ohhh. I've heard of you. So, if you're Peter Pan, where's Tinkerbell?
Peter: <singing> I'm Peter Pan and here is my Tinklebell!
<He dives into his pants, emerging with a small bell, which he tries to ring, but to no effect. On further examination he realizes the problem>
Ah. My balls seemed to have dropped off.
Wendy: How sad. So what are you doing in my room Mr. Pan? Apart from leaping on unsuspecting women in their beds?
Peter:Isn't that enough?
Wendy: No.
Peter: In that case, I have come to ask for your help. Uh...I don't even know your name, Wendy.
Wendy: It's Wendy. Wait a min...
Peter: You see Captain Whisk cunningly disguised himself as an over-large herring and captured all the other sloshed boys and I need your help to rescue them. Come fly with me, Wendy-lady, to the land where no-one ever throws up.
Tinkerbell: No matter how bad the jokes or how badly the boys smell. Which can be bad.
Wendy: Right, that's it. Get out.
Peter: But I need your help.
Wendy: Bollocks you do. You just go and push your cheap hallucinogens somewhere else.
<Wendy starts pushing PP towards the window again>
Peter: Well, really! I use pixie dust to fly. <holds up bag full of white powder> Want some?
Wendy: <Pulling back> I knew it! And with me just a young innocent (yet highly attractive) girl as well. <Tinkerbell aughs>You fiend. Just wait there while I call the cops.
<Tinkerbell exits SL>
<Wendy exits SR as Captain Whisk enters from behind PP>
Whisk: Baddie enters stage left and knocks out Peter.
Peter: <not turning round> That's a stage instruction!
Whisk: Oh! Sorry! <knocks out Peter>
Whisk: That was easy. I thought I would have to wait for the end before I beat him. <Wendy re-enters SR> Hey ho.
Wendy: Hi. Gosh, I just called you. And people say the police aren't prompt.
Whisk: Um, the police? Yes, that's me.
Wendy: Would you like a cup of tea?
Whisk: No thanks. I'll just kill Peter Pan and be on my way.
<Raises whisk above Peter>
Wendy: Gasp! You're not the police. You're the dreaded Captain Whisk.
Whisk: In the flesh. And there's nothing you or your little dog can do about it.
Wendy: I don't have a little dog.
Whisk: What have you got against dogs? Man's best friend. Anyway, I'll be on my way with
Peter Pan now. Don't try and follow me.
Wendy: I wasn't planning on it. <getting back into bed>
Whisk: Really?
Wendy: Nope. Couldn't give a toss.
Whisk: Oh. OK then. Bye <drags PP off>
<Wendy notices his gun on the ground>
Wendy: Bugger. Look what he's left. Better hide it with my drawers. Oh no! I'll be in
trouble if nanny finds me with some man's dirty weapon in my pants. I know. I can just give it back to him. Hold on! You left your gun!
<Wendy Runs off SL>
Scene Two - Goldilocks and the Three Bears
<Narrator enters SL>
<Wendy Runs on SR>
Narrator: Wendy
arrived in the street just in time to see Peter dumped into the back of the
second car on the right. She watched as the Nissan Micra drove off and carried
on till the end of the road.
Wendy: Bugger
Narrator: .she
thought.
Wendy: Now
I'll have to spend the rest of the show traveling through pantoland, traversing
all the fairy tales and nursery rhymes to get to the Nether Nether Regions. And
all before last orders.
Narrator: So
off she went on her merry way.
<Wendy flips a birdie at the narrator and exits SL>
Narrator: She
walked for what seemed like five minutes, but it could have been three. At
last, lost and exhausted, she reached a cottage.
<Wendy stumbles on SR>
Wendy: Who
wrote these bloody stage directions?
Writer: <backstage>
Sorry!
<Prince enters with Horse>Sound of Hooves
Prince: You
wouldn't be Rapunzel now, by any chance would you?
Wendy: No,
sorry.
Prince: Oh
well. Thanks anyway.
<Prince exits with Horse>
Wendy: Maybe
they can give me directions to the Nether Nether regions.
Plant: You
know where they are <insert actress' name>
Narrator: Goldilocks
entered the cottage.
Wendy: I'm
a brunette <or whatever makes sense J>
Narrator: Goldilocks
<points at her> that's you, that is. Goldilocks approached the
table, whereupon there sat three bowls of porridge.
Wendy: Do
I have to do this bit? I don't like porridge.
Narrator: She
tried the first bowl but she did not like it - it was too hot.
Wendy: No,
actually, it's not that bad.
Narrator: <emphatically>
It was too hot! So she tried the second one, but it was too cold.
Wendy: No,
it's fine.
Narrator: <emphatically>
She liked it hotter. So she tried the third one - and it was just right.
Wendy: They're
sugar puffs.
Narrator: So
she guzzled the whole lot.
<Wendy pours them into the bin>
Narrator: After
that she felt quite tired so she thought she'd lie down. But the first bed was
too hard and the second bed was too soft.
Wendy: What
beds?
Narrator: But
the third bed was just right. She soon fell fast asleep. A short while later,
the owners of the house return.
<Pinocchio
enters as Narrator exits (different sides, you see)>
Pinocchio: Gepeto,
I'm home! <Notices empty bowls> Oh! Who ate all my wallpaper
paste?
Wendy: I
did. Sorry, it was in the script. Which bear are you?
Pinocchio: Well,
I bare it all in public. But I'm a real boy! <In pervy fashion> Do
you wanna see?
Wendy: Argh,
not again. I'm phoning the police. again.
<Wendy exits SL as Whisk enters SR carrying Peter
Pan.>
Whisk: Wotcha,
Pinocchio.
Pinocchio: Hi
Captain. Nice day for a kidnapping.
Whisk: Ar.
That it be.
<Whisk exits SL as Wendy enters SR>
Pinocchio: You're
not going to actually turn me in? I was joking. I would never reveal myself
in public. <Pulls down jumper or similar> I don't even find you
attractive.
Wendy: Then
what's that in your pants? A bell?
Pinocchio: What?
No. My.you know.grows whenever I tell a lie.
Wendy: You
do find me attractive?
Pinocchio: No.
I think you ming mercilessly. But I do reveal myself in public.
Wendy: I
would slap you, but I don't want splinters.
Pinocchio: It's
not that, is it? I know you want me. <He turns away and grabs his
crotch>
Or not.
<They make to leave when suddenly the panto
policeman runs in.>Police Siren
Police: Well,
well, well. So it's pants-down Pinocchio again is it? Right-o. Throw him in
the meat wagon. And you! You're nicked Goldilocks - we've been chasing after
you for a long time now.
Wendy: What?!
But I'm not Goldilocks.
Police: I
don't care! That scene was below the belt. Also, who ate all the paste, eh?
Who slept in the.. uh. You're just nicked, OK?
<Enter Narrator>
Narrator: And
so they were taken away to Hiatt Baker, to be locked up and tortured in any way
I see fit.
Wendy: Is
this your doing?
Narrator: Ohhhh
yes. <And they are marched off to the Tower>
Scene Three - Rumplestiltskin - The Tower
Wendy: Oh
no! Whatever shall we do? Stuck in this dank and dingy dungeon! Is there any
way we can escape?
<Sound of clopping hooves, Prince pokes head in>
Prince: Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair!
Wendy: I'm
not Rapunzel.
Prince: Oh.
Sorry. Wrong castle. <Exits and clops off>
<Enter Magistrate>
Magistrate: Hello!
I'm a magistrate, Sir Alfred Fellatio Knightly. I'm here to tell you that the
King has decided to be lenient. <Pause>
Pinocchio: And?
Magistrate: The
King has decided to be lenient.
Pinocchio & Wendy: Oh.
Hooray!
Magistrate: I
come on behalf of The King, His Majestic Highness, the Sovereign of all that is
Panto. You may secure the return of your liberty for one small, easy little
task. All you have to do is turn this huge pile of straw into ingots of gold.
Wendy: Right.
Magistrate: Lovely.
You have until tomorrow morning. See you then!
<Magistrate Exits>
Pinocchio: Great!
Tomorrow we'll be free - all we have to do is to turn this straw into gold. You
can do that, can't you?
Wendy: No!
I can't!
Pinocchio: Oh!
Then we're doomed! Doomed, I tell you! Actually, Wendy, now that we're, you
know, alone. do you find this absolutely horrible torture chamber
setting at all. <snuggles up to Wendy> romantic? Does it make you
horny?
Wendy:
Ugh! No! Of course not!
Pinocchio: Really?
Damn. It's just that I've always wanted some real sex. Whenever I try to do
it on my own, my bits always seem to catch fire. Oh well.
<Rumplestiltskin bursts in.>Dramatic Music
Wendy: Who
are you?
Rumple: I
am a man of considerable fame
But
do not ask about my name
My
powers are always to be feared
Not
to mention my ridiculous beard
Wendy: I
don't suppose.
Pinocchio: .
. . by any chance.
Wendy: .
. . you might be able to...
Both: .
. . turn this straw into gold?
Rumple: This
straw right here, This straw I see?
Well
have no fear, I'll make it shiny.
Pinocchio & Wendy: Oh
hooray!
Pinocchio: Well
what are you waiting for?
Wendy: Oh,
there's going to be a catch, isn't there?
Rumple: Oh
yes, a catch.
A
catch to do with your golden. . . thatch.
Guess
my name - you must succeed!
Else
I'll eat the first child you conceive
Wendy: But
I'm not pregnant.
Rumple: We'll
get to that.later
<rubs hands suggestively>
Wendy: <innocently,
to Pinocchio> Whatever can he mean? You will do what we ask, but if I
cannot guess your name, then you'll eat my first child?
Rumple: Uh-huh.
Goes lovely with roast potatoes.
Wendy: <thinking>
Well, that's very generous of you, Mr. ...?
Rumple: I'm
not about to fall for that one.
Wendy: Damn!
(to audience) What could his name be?
Pinocchio: Maybe
it's written around here somewhere. But where?
Plant <If
audience is slow> It's
behind you!
Wendy: Oh.
Your name wouldn't be Rumplestiltskin, would it?
Rumple Don't
say me name you bastard!! Except it's not my name. well, ok it is. Bugger.
Wendy & Pinocchio: Hurrah!
Rumple: Well,
I'm not going to do your straw for you now.
Pinocchio: Oh
yes you are.
Rumple: Oh
no I'm not.
Pinocchio: <threateningly>
Oh yes, you are.
Rumple: Oh
OK. <He turns the flat around to reveal gold> Bing!
Wendy: Is
that it? What a con!
Magistrate: Good
morning! I trust you have fulfilled your duty?
Wendy: You
what?
Magistrate: Do
we have gold?
Wendy: Indeed
we do. Now let us go.
Magistrate: Oh
I'm afraid we can't do that. Wooden telescopic penises have been outlawed by EU safety regulations. He could have
someone's eye out with that thing! But as a token of the king's appreciation of
your work, you've been upgraded to a business class cell!
Pinocchio Hmm...
I've got an idea. The Queen is a man! <it grows> Shakespeare was French!
<grows again> Robbie Williams is gay! <doesn't grow> Oh that's
interesting! Oh well <manic pelvic thrusting, kills Magistrate>
Wendy Hurrah!
We're free! Come, Pinocchio!
Pinocchio I already did.
<exeunt>
Scene Four - The Forest Scene
Narrator: Our
intrepid heroine and her sexually adjustable companion find themselves in a
dark and dismal forest, full of dangers like wolves, wild bores and the
Ramblers Association.
<Narrator Exits, as Wolf enters>
Wolf: Come
out, come out little pig, or else I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow the
house down. <no answer, Wolf blows>Wind
sound, followed by crash?
Pig: <offstage>
Oh my! There goes the No Claims Bonus!
<Writer enters>
Writer: <Michael
Caine Style> You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
Wolf: Oh.
Sorry Boss.
<Exit Writer, Enter Wendy &
Pinocchio>
Wendy: Excuse
me sir, do you know the way to the Nether Nether Regions?
Pinocchio: I
do.
Wolf: Why
do you want to go there? It's full of little boys.oh I see J
Wendy: We're
looking for the dastardly Captain Whisk. Have you seen him?
Pinocchio: I
have.
Wolf: Oh...that
bastard abducted Little Red Riding Hood, so I've been left chasing pigs.
Wendy: That's
just not kosher!
Wolf: Anyway.
Whisk went that way - just follow the trail of breadcrumbs, past the
Gingerbread House, and take the second Yellow Brick Road on the right.
Wendy: Oh...thanks
Mr. Wolf!
<They
follow the breadcrumbs offstage, <sounds of
falling and screaming>
Wolf: Didn't
I mention the hole? <pause> <to audience> Whoops.
<exeunt>
Scene Five - The Mine
<Enter Pinocchio and Wendy in darkness>
Pinocchio: Oh,
why did we trust the wolf? Any creature that chases thrown sticks can hardly
be trusted
Wendy: Shhhh,
can you hear that sound?
Pinocchio: What
sound?
Wendy: Exactly.
It's too quiet...I think we must be in a mine.
Greedy: It's
not yours! It's mine!
<Lights come up
here>
Dopey: It's
not just yours, Greedy! It's mine too!
Doc: No,
this is mine three, Mine two is the cabbage mine, you idiots.
Dwarves: Sorry Doc.
Doc: Right.
That's cleared up then. Greetings, giant ugly strangers. We're miners.
Pinocchio: That
explains why you're so short.
Grumpy: Fuck
you!
Sticky: Can
I kill them now Doc?
Doc: No!
You've only just eaten. Please, don't mention the S word. We're not children,
just Miner Characters.
Sleepy: <Yawns>
And we'm been mining all week long and we ain't got no clean underpants left.
Dirty: What's
wrong with that then? I didn't even change last week. Good for another few
months yet I reckon.
Sticky: Mine
are all sticky
Doc: Let's
not start with the mine jokes again. So, what brings you to see us eight
dwarves?
Wendy: Eight?
Don't you mean seven?
Doc: What?
Dwarves! Count off! Doc!
Grumpy: Grumpy.
Sleepy: <sleepily>
Sleepy.
Greedy: Greedy!
Dirty: Dirty
baby, yeah!
Sticky: Sticky!
Gimli: I
am Gimli, son of Groin!
<A short, yet important pause>
Doc: Oh.
Lanky!
Lanky: <enters
shyly> Sorry.
Pinocchio: He's
not a dwarf! He's um. He's the wrong shape, height-wise
Lanky: I
know. It's so embarrassing. I don't work down here very often, except when
they need something to prop the ceiling up with. So I've been helping Snow
White with the cooking.
Sticky: Yes!
Food! He said the food word!
Gimli: No
he did not.
Sticky: Who
cares? Let's go back to the house and get some nosh.
Wendy: Oh
that would be nice.
Grumpy: Not
you, you fat bitch.
Doc: Grumpy,
don't be rude. Why don't you lead the way?
Greedy: I
don't wanna lead the way!
Doc: <firmly>
Lead the way, please, Grumpy.
Grumpy: Harumph.
<They
all get in a line. Grumpy reticently begins to sing>
Hi
ho.
Dwarves: <with
more energy Heigh Ho Song>
Hi
HO! Hi Ho! Hi Ho! Hi ho! Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go...
<Exeunt,
singing>
Scene Six - Snow White & the Seven Dwarves
<Snow White is present>
<Narrator enters>
Narrator: So,
the dwarves led Wendy and Pinocchio to their home, where they dwelt.
Obviously. They lived with Snow White, a typically daft Essex blonde. Not so obviously, except that she's stood
right behind me and it'll be a good 5 minutes before she realises I've insulted
her.
<exits>
<Wendy, Pinocchio & Dwarves enter>
Snow White: Dinner
time everybody! Come and sit down! <As she goes round the table, she puts
down paper plates> Doc, you're here. Hippy, you're here, and Dumpy.
Gropey's here - ooh, where's Gropey? Not to worry. Now. Where was I? <Counting
on her fingers> Doc, Hippy, Dumpy, Horny. . . oh yes. Very much so!
Snoopy, here, Sooty, here, and last but not least, Wanky. Sorry, Lanky.
<Notices
Wendy and Pinocchio>
Ooh!
We have guests! I'm sorry, I didn't see you behind that evil walking puppet <screams>
An evil walking puppet has come to kill me! Aaargh!
Wendy: He
won't hurt you.
Pinocchio: I'm
not a.
Wendy: <Interrupting
him> Yes you are. Shut up. <to Snow White> He's helping
me get to the Nether Nether Regions
Snow White: Oh,
you must be very brave..
Pinocchio: I
try my very hardest.
<it grows>
Snow White: Oh
my. you are rather hard aren't you? <laughs>
Lanky: Her
and her toys.
Pinocchio: Madam!
Snow White: Sir!
<Pause,
dwarves looking mixture of upset and confused, Wendy looking shocked and
Pinocchio and Snow White appearing rather predatory towards each other>
<Paper
boy enters>
Paper boy: Read
all about it! Sun exclusive! "Essex blonde in wooden penis romp shocker!
Ambulance mobilized to remove splinters. Pages four to twenty eight. Lots of
pictures!
<Dirty takes a copy and paper boy exits>
Dirty: (reading) They don't miss a thing do they? Heh heh
heh.
Pinocchio: Anyway.how
come a stunning girl like you isn't married by now?
Wendy: Well.
Pinocchio: Not
you!
Snow White Well
I . erm . . . <stops>
Pinocchio: You
were going to say, Snow White?
Snow White: Was
I?
Pinocchio: Yes.
Snow White: Oh.
Snow White. Why was I going to say that?
<Dwarves look disgusted and slap their heads
in d'oh motion>
Pinocchio: <aside>
She's pretty, but dumb. Or is that just pretty dumb?
Snow White: Well,
there was a charming prince once who rescued me from a glass box. The strangest
thing. I had eaten an apple, given to me by this lovely old woman, and the next
thing I know, he's all over me.
Grumpy: Oh
for the love of God! The nice old woman was a wicked old witch who poisoned you
with that apple and put you in a glass coffin. The Prince brought you back to
life by kissing you.
Snow White: That's
all very well, but he didn't ask my permission.
Sleepy: He
couldn't! <yawns> You were in a coma!
Snow White: I
don't see what punctuation has got to do with anything.
<Dwarves
groan>
Snow White: Anyway,
things didn't work out - said he wanted to sweep me off my feet, which didn't
sound very nice. Then he asked me to be his ride.
Greedy: Asked
you to be his bride! Bride! He asked you to be his bride! We could've been
rich.
Dirty: Women!
Snow White: Well,
anyway, when he started going on about whisking me away, I thought to myself
"I'm not going to be beaten", so I ran away, and came to stay with the
Dwarves. Besides, I'm much happier here doing all the chores for a pittance -
what more could a girl ask for?
Doc: <To
Wendy and Pinocchio> Don't tell her.
<Prince enters, Sound of
Hooves>
Prince: I
say, are you Rapunzel? Oh no, it's Snow White again.I'll let myself out.
<Prince exits>
Snow White: Anyway,
why don't we all go and get some sleep? Tomorrow's going to be a big day!
<They all lie down. The
Narrator enters.Lights down >
Narrator: And
so they all went to bed and fell fast asleep, but come the morning.
<dwarves exit under cover of darkness>
<Exits, Sound of Evil
Laughter lights up Snow White wakes
first>
Snow White: Good
morning! How are you? The others have all disappeared. Oh and I've found this
note. What's it say? <slowly> Have taken all the others. Signed
Captain Whisk. Mmm. That's nice. <Long pause while she thinks>
Oh. Oh my God! They've been kidnapped!
Wendy: <Waking>
What!
Snow White: The
Dwarves: <counts on fingers> Dick, Humpy, Grippy, Dippy, Bacardi,
Breezy and. the other one. They've been kidnapped! By Captain Whisk. Oh, where
could he have taken them?!
Pinocchio: <takes
letter, reads> P.S. Have taken them to the Nether Nether Regions
Wendy: And
we still don't know the way. Oh, I know. This is Panto-Land after all. I
just need to click my heels together and say, "I wish I was in the Nether
Nether Regions. I wish I was in the Nether Nether Regions."
Snow White: Are
we there now?
Pinocchio: No.
Wendy: Right.
Well, maybe if we get these nice looking people to join in. Come on everybody.
<Everyone
does it. Still, nothing happens>
Pinocchio: Oh,
sod it. We'll just have to walk
<Exeunt>
Scene Seven - Captain Whisk's Vessel
Narrator: We
rejoin the action here upon the good ship Meringue, where the evil
Captain Whisk has chained all the dwarves, Sloshed Boys and the few remaining
Archaeology students to the oars. Things are looking pretty damn good for the
manic and smelly mariner, but will this continue? Can Wendy save the day?
Will Pinocchio find true love? Will Whisk ever realize that he has been
beaten. Haha. This is my last line; I'm milking it for all it's worth. Ahem. <Narrator
exits>
Whisk: Ar.
Ahoy, audience. This is when I realize my plan. I have nearly captured enough
students to row my ship away from this strange land, and go back to my homeport
of <pause> Bristol.
Sticky: You'll
never get away with it, Whisk!
Whisk: Silence
fool. Nothing can possibly go wrong! Muhahahahaha I win this time!
<Wendy,
Snow White and Pinocchio enter, while Whisk is at other edge paying no
attention. >
Peter: Not
so fast, Whisk.
Whisk: OK
<very slowly> Muhahahaha, I win this time.
Wendy: Look!
There are the dwarves and they must be the sloshed boys!
S. Boy 1: Help!
We got tricked by a bunch of fairies!
S. Boy 2: We
got all excited when they said they were going to tie us up.
Peter: They
were witches.
S. Boy 1: Yeah,
but they were in disguise.
S. Boy 2: Yeah.
In big black cloaks, and broomsticks, and pointy black hats and big green
noses. <pause> Oh.
Whisk: They're
so stupid; anyone would think these were UWE students.
Peter: You're
right. We are stupid. Wait! Isn't that a big group of small children over
there, coming towards us!?
<As Whisk turns to look, Wendy rushes over and unties
Peter>
Whisk: Where?
We're on a ship, how could they be coming towards us? There aren't any other
ships around.
Snow White: You've
kidnapped the dwarves, you fiend!
Whisk: Dwarves?
No, they're children. Flying children.
Gimli: We're
not children, may your privates shrivel up and fall off.
Whisk: Big
words, little man. But I've won. Just time for the big musical finale I
think.
Peter: Oi!
No one starts the finale but me.
<Peter draws sword, they fight, Peter is disarmed>
Peter: Hang
on, I'm not supposed to lose!
The Panto is named after me! In fact, how come I've not been in it for most of
the time?
<Prince
enters SR with (Sea) Horse, Horse Sound
distracting Whisk>
Prince: Sorry
to bother you, but is there anyone here whose name either begins with the
letter R or is willing to have sex with me? This show has been so
frustrating for me! No? Bugger.
Wendy: Oh,
Captain Whisk, I've got something for you, you dropped it in the first scene. <points
gun in his direction>
Whisk: Ar.
Now you've got me well and good. I give up. <Throws down sword> Michael!
Jackson! Release the children!
<Dwarves et al are released>
All: Hurrah!
Whisk: Blast it. Now I'll never have the power to row my
ship to Bristol!
Pinocchio: Row it? Why not just sail it?
Whisk: How do you do that then? I only became a captain this
mornin'.
Pinocchio: Use a sail!
Whisk: What's the High Street and cheap shoes got to do with
boats?
Pinocchio: No..
a Sail is a big sheet of canvas, hang it from your mast, catch the wind.
Whisk: Ar.that
might just work. I won't need to kidnap any more children, unlike the Wedge on
Fridays!
All: Hurrah!
<Final Song - Can You Feel the Love
Tonight>
|
