<Ali B enters stage>

Ali Ladies and Gentlemen, Bruddas, Sistas, Hermaphrodites, Dogs, Cats, `orses, Hiatt Baker Students, North Londoners, Souf Londoners, medics, and people from "the coun-try-side" welcome to dis year's Easter Panto, `ere, for da first time, in da Avon Gorge. I is Ali B, and I is going to be your host for dis evening. I `as also got me 40 gangstas wiv me, but dey has got some well good quality skunk backstage and can't be arsed to come on.
Now, as you may `ave guessed from the name, dis panto is all about someone who was well good at Maths called Al Addin'. <Pause, then, if the audience doesn't get it> You see, `e was called dat because he's always "addin'" stuff together.
Now, in a minute we is going to join da action in Baghdad, in da middle of da Middle East, where da weather is hot, da desert is sandy, and apparently, everybody likes to ride a camel. But I fink dat is just sick. Wot is wrong with a normal `orse?
Dat is all for now, `cos I is off to steal handbags from old ladies, `cos I is bad. Selecta!

<Spooky oriental music starts again, and Ali exits>

<Enter Narrator>

Narrator Please excuse him. My name is Clive, and I will in fact be your narrator for this evening. Welcome to this year's Easter panto, back despite popular demand, and currently receiving rave reviews in Tableware International Magazine and Pig Farmer Monthly. After the unfortunate incident with the inflatable rubber gloves and the chainsaw last year, I must insist on a few ground rules for tonight. Please ensure your mobile phones are extinguished and your cigarettes switched off and that any acts of sexual deviancy take place in the dressing room after the show and not in the audience during the performance.
Our story begins in Baghdad, capital city of an obscure sultanate I doubt any of you have heard of. The city bazaar is a lively and colourful place, full of crooks, charlatans, ladies of easy virtue and, for some rather irritating reason, American gap year students.

<Enter Dobbin, followed by a procession of street entertainers, including jugglers, snake charmers and musicians. Two American gap year students are wandering round. James Bondage is around, looking very sneaky>

<Belly dancer appears>

Belly dancer Looking for a good time, big boy?

<Enter Aladdin with his barrow of fruit & veg, and a sign that says, "Al's fruit and veg">

Narrator The hero of our tale is Aladdin, a poor lad, without two carrots to rub together. He comes from a poor family, his mother, Widow Twankee, runs Suds and Studs, the local launderette and sex shop and Aladdin sells his wares on the street.

Aladdin Roll up, roll up, get your fresh fruit and veg here. Parsnips five pounds a pound, courgettes the like of which you've never laid your hands on, <woman walks past> my, what a lovely pair of melons madam, <man walks past> and sir, such a lovely bunch of coconuts as I have never… seen.

<Americans have finished with the street performers and wander over towards Aladdin>

Aladdin Ah, you must be American.

Chuck Damn straight! We're from the world's greatest superpower, and boy are we glad to be visiting your country, so we can see what it's like before it gets blown up.

Bambi-Mae Say, what's your name, honey?

Aladdin Aladdin.

Bambi-Mae Nice to meet you Al. I'm Bambi-Mae and this is my friend Chuck.

Aladdin O-kay. Would you like a look at my parsnips, Bambi-Mae? Here, feel that. You won't find better this side of Constantinople.

Chuck Is that near Paris, Germany?

Aladdin Something like that. <To audience> Are these guys nuts?

Bambi-Mae Have you got any nuts? I go just crazy for a good bag of nuts.

Aladdin I'm sure you do darling. I ain't got any nuts, but I've got this very special item, just been waiting for a discerning customer like your good self.

Chuck What's that then?

Aladdin Keep your voice down. I don't want us to be overheard. There are spies about, and if it ever got out that I was selling the Sacred Pineapple of Eternity…

Chuck <loud> The Pineapple of Eternity!

Bambi-Mae <loud> Quiet Chuck! He told us not to shout about the Pineapple of Eternity!

Aladdin You see, this sacred fruit is grown only in the upper reaches of the Um Bongo Valley, cultivated by the lost tribe of Macarena. Its sacred essence has the youth giving power of the sun.

Chuck Holy Guacamole!

Bambi-Mae I want it!

Aladdin I can offer it to you for only 500 hundred dinars.

Chuck Easy, baby, I'm sure this pineapple must be priceless. We only have 6000 dinars with us.

Aladdin For only 5000 dinars.

Bambi-Mae Chuck, you will buy me this won't you? With its youthful properties I'll win Miss Wyoming!

Chuck But honey, you've already got a lifetimes supply of Oil of Olay. Why this pineapple?

Bambi-Mae Because I'm worth it!

Chuck Well…

Bambi-Mae I am worth it aren't I darling?

Chuck Of course.

Bambi-Mae We'll take it! <Grabs pineapple and throws notes at Aladdin>

James Bondage <has been listening in> Good lord! I must obtain this pineapple! With its aid, I, James Bondage, international spy, will be able to look more like Vin Diesel and less like Roger Moore!

<Exit Chuck & Bambi-Mae, followed by James Bondage>

<Wishee Washee calls over to his mate Aladdin>

Wishee Aladdin, the Sacred Pineapple of Eternity! How did you get hold of that?

Aladdin There is no Sacred Pineapple of Eternity.

Wishee Yes, I understand, there are spies about. Deny everything! <Peering at audience> I think we're being watched!

Aladdin It's just an ordinary pineapple! I've been trying to shift it for weeks! Gone pretty rancid.

Wishee Oh. But it was grown on the upper reaches of the Um Bongo, wasn't it?

Aladdin Yes, Wishee Washee, if you like to think so. What are you doing here. Shouldn't you be working for my Mum?

Wishee I've just come from her now. I've got a very important message.

<Following exchange will have to be pretty fast>

Aladdin Well?

Wishee No, it wasn't about the well.

Aladdin Well, what then?

Wishee I don't know, you were the one who mentioned wells!

Widow <offstage> Aladdin!

Aladdin Quick, I'd better hide. My mum is looking for me. <Hides>

Wishee Oh that was it. Aladdin, your mum is looking for you.

<Aladdin slaps head in d'oh motion>

<Widow enters>

Widow Where is that good for nothing layabout son of mine?

Wishee <to Aladdin in hiding place> It's Widow Twankee, and she's very cross.

Widow <pulling Aladdin by scruff of neck> You can't hide.

Aladdin You look after the stall for me a moment Wishee. I hope you can manage that, just about. <to Widow> What now mother?

<During the next few lines, Ali B is doing a deal with Wishee over the stall and gets the

cash>

Widow Remember those inflatable camels you persuaded me to sell in the sex shop?

Aladdin Hump-o-matic, yes?

Widow Did you (ahem) try them out before we got them in to stock?

Aladdin Oh Mum, you should know by now I don't go in for that kind of thing. Camels?

Widow Sorry.

Aladdin Giraffes yes, camels never. You see giraffes have a very long neck…

Widow Enough of that!

Aladdin What was the slogan again? Ride our camels and explode with delight?

Widow Well they certainly exploded alright! I don't suppose you noticed the word "detonate" written next to the camels' erogenous zones, did you?

Aladdin Bugger. When they said I'd make a killing with this deal, I didn't know they meant it literally.

Widow We're being sued for hundreds of dinars in damages! Genital Plastic Surgery doesn't come in cheap, you know!

Aladdin Well, we're not in too bad a situation. I just got hold of 5000 dinars!

Widow 5000 dinars you say? Where did you get that kind of money?

Aladdin Gullible Americans. It was easier than taking sweets off a baby.

<Steals sweets off Wishee Washee>

See?

<Ali B exits>

Widow And just where did you leave that money Aladdin?

Wishee Aladdin, look what I've just bought!

Aladdin Please god no!

Wishee This cool geezer just offered me some top-quality homegrown, only 5000 dinars an ounce.

Widow <Sniffing it> This is Oregano! You idiot!

Wishee I know. I like Oregano.

Aladdin Now I know why you've always got that moronic grin on your face… you're a moron

Widow That's enough Aladdin! Your scam with the camels got us in to this mess. Now just get us out of it!

<Widow and Wishee Washee exits>

Aladdin I don't know. I try my best. How's a dishonest barrow boy like me supposed to make a living? Those inflatable camels should have been a right little earner… I sometimes think about chucking it all in. Oh well, I started out with nothing, but I've still got most of it left!

Well money can't buy you love. Though it can rent it by the hour. I just wish one day some special person would come along into my life, who might just be the answer to all my problems!

<Jasmine enters, in disguise, and starts looking about the stall suspiciously, fingers carrot in suggestive way>

Plant in Audience They're behind you!

Aladdin Oi! Stop that, you! <Grabs Jasmine> Get your hands off my carrot!

Jasmine It's not what you think!

Aladdin That's what they all say. Who do you think you are? Winona Ryder, just rehearsing a role in your new film, "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Camels"? I've a good mind to drag you along to the Sultan. "Tough on crime, cut off the causes of crime", <cutting off hand gesture> that's what he says.

Jasmine That's not a good idea…

Aladdin Let's see what you look like. Haha! I bet you look like Anne Widdecombe. Before she became a woman! <Removes mask> Blimey, you are a woman! I can't believe you're a woman! No, not like that! You're very womanly! Not that I'm staring at your breasts or anything… I mean…

Jasmine <sweetly> You were wondering how a woman could have such hideous facial hair?

Aladdin Yes… I mean no! Your facial hair isn't hideous! You must shave at least twice a day! Uhh…

Jasmine Do you want to stop digging now, or shall I hand you another shovel? A pneumatic drill perhaps?

Aladdin I'm sorry, I always talk like a lemon when I meet a beautiful woman.

Jasmine Don't worry, I wasn't listening. No! Not like that, I just get a little distracted when I meet a man with such a fine-looking carrot down his trousers!

Aladdin <removes carrot from trousers> New security measure. There are much more impressive ones where that came from. <With dirty look> Would you like to come home and see my cucumber?

Jasmine Oh, there's nothing I'd love more, but, you see, I can't!

Aladdin Why not?

Jasmine I'm not who I appear to be.

Aladdin Oh god, not another ladyboy. At least I found out a bit earlier this time. For years I thought my biology teacher had got it all horribly wrong…

Jasmine <shocked> I'm all woman!

Aladdin That's what Frank always told me…

Jasmine Now look here, I'm the daughter of the Sultan!

Aladdin What, the beautiful Princess Jasmine?

Jasmine Yes!

Aladdin Frank used to say that too. Oh the memories.

Jasmine <reveals crown> Now do you believe me?

Aladdin Holy Moses, mother of Mary. It is you! You are as beautiful as everyone said!

Jasmine Please don't tell anyone you saw me here. My father's very oppressive - I'm not even allowed out of the palace! I've absolutely no experience of real life, until yesterday I thought a overdraft was due to inadequate insulation. And I'm so frightfully frustrated. Oh for a gorgeous young lad who could whisk me off my feet and show me the world! But my parents want me to marry some boring Arab Prince. I'd much rather marry someone like you, but you're just too damn poor.

Aladdin <to audience> Ah well, it seems my only chance at a bit of happiness is doomed to failure. Oh, how I wish I were richer!

Jasmine <to audience> And how I wish I was a commoner… then I could marry anyone I wanted…

<Into song - Pulp: Common People>

Scene 2 - Backstreet in Baghdad

<Enter Narrator>

Narrator But also in Baghdad, there lived one of the most fiendish men

on the planet, a man far worse than Saddam Hussein, and I don't mean George W. Bush. Not only did he want to rule Baghdad, but also Colchester, North East Poland and the nicer bits of Manchester. In fact he wanted to rule the world. Even Anne Robinson and Margaret Thatcher armed with X-ray guns and united in lesbian solidarity were no match for him. Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please welcome…

<Loud scary music as Ebeneezer enters>

Ebeneezer Don't say my name yer bastard. <Wields knife> It's my line and my scene. <Narrator exits> Hello boys and girls! My name is Goode, Ebeneezer Goode, and I'm evil. Sometimes comedy evil, sometimes dark evil, but above all a thoroughly rotten man with a heart of pure… granite. I'm the man who got John Major and Edwina Curry together and who taught Peter Mandelson everything he denies knowing. But that's not enough for me. I want to be the King, the Kaiser, the numero uno. I want underpants like West Ham United - on the bottom of the Premier.

Narrator Ok, ok so you're evil. Look, do you have a point?

Ebeneezer This is my point <stabs narrator>

Where was I? Ah I was telling you my evil plan.

Plant Oh no you weren't

Ebeneezer Look, don't piss me off… I'm running out of places to put the bodies. You see, I have heard of a magical artefact which will give me all the power I require. I'll be able to rule the world, marry Princess Jasmine and change Starburst back to Opal Fruits! However, the artefact is heavily guarded by heavy guards. I would go and get it myself, but I'm a complete coward. I need someone to do it for me.

Soothsayer,

<Soothsayer enters>

say me a sooth. What fool is brave enough to confront untold peril, but stupid enough to hand the key to ultimate power over to me?

Soothsayer I dunno, a lad in the market place?

Ebeneezer Excellent. Aladdin the Market place. Funny surname. I must seek out this Aladdin and proceed with my plan. Nothing will be left to chance that can't be. Then all power will be mine! Muhahahahahah!

Scene 3 - Sultan's Palace

<Enter Jasmine and Fifi-Trixibelle>

Jasmine …and then he showed me the biggest one I've ever seen, long thick, turgid, powerful, succulent and… and… green.

Fifi What, has he got syphilis?

Jasmine I was talking about the cucumber, silly. And then he showed me this enormous marrow. I'd never seen anything like it before.

Fifi There's only two problems with men. Everything they say and everything they do.

Jasmine Don't be so cynical Fifi-Trixibelle. Not all men are bastards.

Fifi That's right. Some of them are dead.

Jasmine Oh, Fifi, why can't you just be pleased for me for once? Just because you seem incapable of finding the man of your dreams, it doesn't mean that I can't find mine.

Fifi The man of my dreams would have to be substantially more impressive than a barrow boy with two plums and a banana, arranged in a suggestive formation.

Jasmine If you could only see how loving and caring he is, you wouldn't say something as vulgar as that. Anyway, it's more like two melons and a broom handle.

Fifi Look, I might only be a lowly maid, but I know a lot about common people and I can tell you that he's not worth the effort. That fruit flogger will have forgotten about you by tomorrow, and if he hasn't, he'll only remember you for your money.

Jasmine It's not like that. I want to be like him, like a commoner, and he knows it. When I grow up I want to be the people's princess, the Sultana of people's hearts. And when I die in a tragic rickshaw accident in Tehran, I want Elton John singing at my funeral. It wouldn't take much to satisfy me. I don't want money, just someone who loves me.

Sultana <offstage> Jasmine, dear, have you finished you toilette yet? The suitors will be arriving soon. They won't want to see you in a state of undress.

Plant Oh yes they will!

Jasmine Shit, it's mother. I'd forgotten that she'd invited them today. Quick, Fifi, think of an excuse! <louder> Mother, I can't meet them today as…

Fifi You're dead?

Jasmine I'm dead. <Gives Fifi a dirty look. Fifi shrugs>

Sultana Oh Jasmine, I told you not to wear that. Your Yves-Saint-Laurent Spring Collection looks far better. Come on, let me do it for you.

<She produces a completely black cloth which she wraps around Jasmine, then a smaller one, which she puts round Jasmine's head, completely covering her, including her eyes>

That's much better. Prince Omar Ibrahim of Qatar won't be able to resist your feminine charms with that outfit on.

Fifi Though I be but a humble serving wench, with nay an opinion of mine own, might I be so bold as to suggest that the Princess's face be visible?

Sultana I don't recall asking for your opinion, Fifi-Trixibelle. No, my mind is quite made up. You shall wear this, your Yves-Saint-Laurent Spring Collection for the ceremony today.

Jasmine Mmmmmm!!! <She waves her hands>

Fifi Or at least make sure she's able to breathe…

<Jasmine faints>

Sultana Oh dear, she's fainted. Today's young are so weak and feeble. I sometimes wonder what we're going to do with her. Fifi-Trixibelle, bring some water.

Fifi As you wish, ma'am. Though it has been said that every time a cigarette is lit from a candle, a sailor dies. <She gets some water>

Sultana Comments like that are neither appropriate, funny or relevant to the plot.

Fifi Sorry, ma'am.

<Sultana unwraps Jasmine's headscarf and puts some water on her forehead. Sultan enters>

Sultan Aha! Captured another one, have we?

Sultana Another what, dear?

Sultan Another Al-Quaeda terrorist, of course. Who else would be lying on our floor dressed all in black waiting for our guards to come and drag him off to the cells, before being hideously tortured by some of the world's most painful feather dusters?

Sultana That's our daughter dear.

Sultan Joined the infidel, has she? I always said she'd come to no good.

Fifi-Trixibelle, take Princess Jasmine to the bathroom and revive her. The gentlemen will be here in ten minutes.

<Sultana, Fifi-Trixibelle and Jasmine exit. Two guards enter struggling to drag Bambi-Mae and Chuck across the stage to the Sultan>

Sultan Ah, the suitors are here early. Excellent. And such fine stout fellows. Admittedly I expected them to be a little more formally dressed…

Guard 1 These are no suitors sir.

Guard 2 They're spies, here to bring down your mighty empire!

Guard 1 We found them hanging around the palace entrance.

Chuck We were just trying to find the nearest McDonalds…

Sultan <ignores Chuck> Spies eh? Well you know what we do with spies here. <Addresses guards> Phil, Grant, drag them down to the imperial dungeon, put them with the Kurds, out of my whey. I want them tortured to within an inch of their lives, and then two inches further! Then take the bodies and cut them in little bits and feed them to the ravens and…

Guard 2 <interrupts> American spies, sir.

Sultan Americans you say? <Bellowing, angry> AMERICANS, HERE IN MY PALACE!!!?!?!

<Everyone holds their breath>

Sultan <brighter voice> Well why didn't you say! Terrific race the Americans. Big cities, big cars and great big arses. Guards, escort them to the Saeed Mubarak Memorial Suite at once, and dress them in the finest silks in the orient.

Bambi-Mae Gee, thanks!

Chuck But where can I get a burger…?

Sultan At six o'clock tonight you are invited to join me for a feast in your honour, over which we will discuss important current world events, such as the ludicrous decision to axe Sex and the City, and the merits and demerits of the latest Backstreet Boys album.

Bambi-Mae Hot dog! You guys are out of this world. Hey, my name is Bambi-Mae, and this is my friend Chuck. We're <hand on heart> American!

Chuck As a token of our appappreciation of your hostipality, I'd like to offer you this magical pineapple.

Bambi-Mae The Pineapple of Eternity.

Sultan <To audience> Must be an American thing.
<To Americans> I thank you for your kindness, Americans. <Places pineapple on the table> Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Sultan of Baghdad. Sultan Pepper. Now if you would care to retire to your rooms, I will see you at dinner. I have business to attend to.

<Americans and Guards leave. Sultana returns with Fifi>

Sultana Who were those people dear?

Sultan They were two fine young Americans. Baghdad has no truer friend than the U S of A and it is right that each and every American should feel welcome in our country.

Sultana But they bombed the library last night, and the orphanage.

Sultan God damn it. That's where I hid my secret arsenal of exploding underwear. Now how am I gonna wipe out the company responsible for axing Sex and the City?

Sultana Why do you keep sucking up to the Americans? They are about to invade after all.

Sultan Because America is the best god damn country in the world!

<American flag draped over back of stage>

<American National Anthem starts to play in the background> Imagine, my dear Sultana, walking through the bazaar, a McDonalds on every street corner, multiple Starbucks in each and every shopping Mall, enormous chrome Cadillacs doing 27 meters to the gallon. That's my idea of a global economy! Just think, Jerry Springer, Friends, Frasier, 14 year-olds toting semi-automatic weapons, Britney Spears, James Bond films…

<Bondage enters dramatically>

Bondage Aha Sultan! That's where you're wrong! I think you'll find Bond films are Anglo-American!

Sultan Who are you and what the hell are doing in my palace?

Bondage I am James Bondage, international spy, licence to tickle. I have been appointed by the United Nations to search for Weapons of Mass Destruction. I have received information from a reliable source that you may be hiding an inordinate number of feather dusters, elastic bands and soft cushions.

Sultan What, these? You can have them. Here. <Gives a small box to Bondage>

Bondage Yes. After all we wouldn't want you to tickle the president, causing him to open his mouth to an oncoming pretzel would we? But now you have handed over the weapons there will be no war!

Everyone Hurrah!

Sultana <Whispers into Sultan's Ear> Hmm… <Eyes up Bondage (in a non-sexual way)> Are you married?

Bondage Not this week. <Eyebrows> Why do you ask?

Sultana To emphasise the new found friendship between our two nations, we have decided we would like you, an American, to marry our daughter, Princess Jasmine!

Bondage Now hold on a second here. I'm not American and I've never even met her. There is absolutely, categorically, no way on this earth I am ever…<Jasmine walks in, Bondage eyes her up and down> NOT going to marry this beautiful princess! Oh she's gorgeous, long live America, country of my birth…

Jasmine <Looks a bit suspicious> Who's this then?

Sultan Allow me to introduce you. Jasmine, this is your new husband-to-be, James Bondage.

Jasmine Excuse me, but I don't recall being consulted about this.

Fifi Though I be but a humble serving wench, with nay an opinion of mine own, but isn't there a queue of Arab princes waiting outside to court the Princess? I heard that Sheikh Yerbooti sacrificed thirteen wives and his favourite camel to be first in the queue.

Bondage Do you mean those suspicious looking gentlemen outside. I've had them all arrested for looking foreign <pause> without a licence. Sorry.

Sultana And what have I told you about having opinions Fifi? People who clean their teeth with the same brush they use to clean the palace toilets should keep their mouth shut.

Fifi But I always run it under the tap first.

Sultana That's quite enough of your cheek.

Jasmine Leave her alone, mother. <To Bondage> I don't hold anything against you sir, and nor do I want to. I'm afraid the man I want to marry is a working class lad with a carrot down his trousers… for security reasons you understand.

Sultana You'll do nothing of the sort, my dear. Marry a working class boy? That's preposterous - imagine the review in Hello magazine, "Beautiful Princess Marries Filthy Lowlife Scum!".

Sultan No, the decision has been made. You will marry Mr Bondage when the clock strikes twelve on the morrow.

Jasmine Oh no I won't!

Sultan Oh yes you will! <Jasmine storms out, ranting under her breath>

Sultan Right, that's settled then. Let this marriage be the symbol of the determination of our two countries never to go to war again. <American National Anthem plays again and the characters sing along. Bondage looks confused and sings the wrong words>

Scene 4 - Ebeneezer Meets Aladdin

Ebeneezer <lowers paper> Muhahahaha! Excellent. My evil masterplan is working out perfectly. I have discovered that Aladdin is a impoverished barrow boy who lives in this disreputable washhouse behind me. I'm sure with my vast intellect and trustworthy beard I can trick him into working for me. Well, as I always said, the way to a man's heart is through his chest cavity with a chainsaw! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Aha! The young vagabond is coming this way now! <Returns to shifty posture leaning against wall>

<Aladdin runs on stage, and stops half way across, out of breath>

Excuse me…

Aladdin Look, here's 20p for a cup of tea.

Ebeneezer Thank you. No, don't go, Aladdin.

Aladdin How do you know my name, stranger?

Ebeneezer Well, you see, it's like this… I'm your long lost uncle. Uncle Ebeneezer.

Aladdin What, the one who died in a tragic sofabed accident?

Ebeneezer No… the other one.

Aladdin But that's wonderful! I haven't seen you for years! You must have had such an ordeal! How've you been?

Ebeneezer Er…fine. Now shut up and listen. I have a proposition for you.

Aladdin That's very sweet. <pointed look to audience> But I have a rule about mixing relatives and pleasure.

Ebeneezer Not that kind of proposition! What I'm talking about is very lucrative!

Aladdin <shocked and angry> My body is not for sale!

Ebeneezer No, you pillock, I have a non-sex-related idea that could make you very rich very quickly.

Aladdin I've heard this one before….

Ebeneezer No you haven't. I need you to fetch an oil-lamp for me, from a cave in the desert.

Aladdin <not sure if he understands> An oil-lamp? Well, I'm sure we could find you a nice cheap one in the market if that's all you want.

Ebeneezer No, you see, Aladdin. This is no ordinary lamp.

Aladdin <sarcastic> What? Is it the legendary oil-lamp of power? Manufactured in the fires of Mount Ikea?

Ebeneezer <flatly> No, nothing like that. This lamp is nothing but a horrible rusty old piece of rubbish with no conceivable use at all. A bit like the Conservative Party.

Aladdin <a little confused> Oh, ok… And what's in it for me?

Ebeneezer Well, here's the interesting part. The cave in which the lamp is hidden is full of gold. And you can take as much gold as you like, as long as you get me the lamp. Sound fair to you?

Aladdin Why yes, Uncle! It sounds absolutely great! Just one thing - why aren't you going in yourself? I mean, that way you could have the lamp and the gold!

Ebeneezer Erm…. I'm afraid of the dark.

Aladdin Why don't you just take a torch?

Ebeneezer It's broken. <to audience> Haha! He'll never see through that one.

Aladdin And one more thing, has anyone ever actually come out of this cave alive? I mean, this is a panto after all.

Ebeneezer That depends on your definition of alive. But I'm sure a young nimble boy like you will be able to avoid the gaze of…. The BEAST!

Aladdin <looking pleased with himself> I suppose so. You're probably right.

Ebeneezer So, my boy, are we agreed?

Aladdin Hang on - let me think about this. So you want me to go into some cave in the desert, out of which no one has ever come alive, and get you a lamp. In return for this, I can take all the gold I like, but it is imperative that you end up with the lamp. And the reason you're not going in to get it yourself is that you're afraid of the dark? Let me think…. No!

Ebeneezer Damn it!

<Instant Blackout>

Scene 5 - Suds and Studs

<Props/scenery on stage: washing machine, ironing board, washing baskets, buckets with soapy bubbles and sponges>

<Widow Twankee is behind washing machine with legs sticking out>

Widow Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling, I didn't realise it had three settings!

<Gets up from behind machine and spots the audience>

<speaking to audience> Oh, I thought I was alone. Just doing a spot of pipe-cleaning. I am Widow Twankee, proprietor of Suds and Studs, Baghdad's only launderette come sex shop come… well just come. There are certain advantages to combining the two businesses. We make a fortune from the soap dispenser.

<speaking directly to a guy in the first row>
Anything I can do you for you, sir?

<Line in response if he heckles>
<Repeat what he said> I see… well that'll take a bit of preparation.

<If they say nothing (more likely)>
Shy are we?

<continue from here>
Well, absolute confidentiality is assured sir and I can do a special discount for your first time. Don't blush, sir. I didn't mean your first time with anyone, just with me. Oh, it is your first time! That would be embarrassing if anyone found out! Your secret is safe with me and these… other 200 people.
Still it's not all an easy life. The work can be backbreaking. I have to do everything single-handed… although most of the time one hand is enough. But right now, Aladdin is supposed to be here giving my washboard a good rub. Oh stop giggling at the back. He works strictly in the laundry side of the business. Anyway, I'd better get on before my work gets on top of me.

<Wishee Washee enters with another load of laundry, piled up high so he can't see, bumps into Widow>

Widow Later sir, later! Oh. It's you Wishee Washee. I was expecting Angus Deayton.

Wishee Where do you want these dirty things?

Widow Oh, leave them over there between the dildos and the lubricant.

Wishee Isn't a dildo a small Australian rodent?

Widow No dear, dildos have a very special purpose. You wouldn't want to use a rodent… unless you're Freddie Star.

Wishee Huh?

Widow Oh forget it! I wish I could.

Wishee Forget? That reminds me of something.

Widow What?

Wishee I don't know. I forgot.

Widow Oh Wishee! You're almost as bad as my layabout son Aladdin.

Wishee I've got it now. A message from Aladdin. He says that Angus is still waiting upstairs and he's desperate to see you.

Widow You should have said earlier. I can't keep him tied up all day! Well, maybe I can…

<Widow exits. Aladdin enters from other side, sneakily>

Aladdin Well done, Wishee, you got her out of the way. Now we can have our fun.

<Super-Soaker thrown in from off stage>

<2nd smaller Super-Soaker thrown on, Wishee Washee catches it>

Wishee It's not fair. Mine's smaller than yours.

Aladdin I'd keep quiet about that if I were you! You won't have any luck with the girls if they know your weapon isn't up to scratch.

Wishee Why would I want to scratch my weapon?

Aladdin I'll explain when you're older.

Wishee I hate it when you talk to me as if I'm a baby.

Aladdin <patronising> Ahh, diddums. Baby want a sponge bath?

Wishee Like this? <Chucks sponge>

<Smallish sponge fight>

Aladdin I know what. Let's resolve this like real men. Ready? On five…

<Five steps. Bondage enters stage centre. Then they turn round and throw sponges at him>

Aladdin Who are you?

Bondage The names Bondage. James Bondage.

Aladdin <eyeing his outfit> Looks like you've come to the right place.

Bondage Aha! The Americans were right! There is white powder in this building!

Aladdin What do you expect? It is a launderette.

Wishee And a sex shop. Can I interest you in a nice pair of handcuffs?

Bondage Enough! I am the UN Weapons Inspector.

Aladdin You're not going to inspect my weaponry!

Bondage You can't stop me. I demand unrestricted access!

<Widow enters. Aladdin and Wishee Washee dive behind a prop of some sort>

Widow You know, I really shouldn't let punters take speed during business…he lasted all of 20 seconds. Ah, poor Angus. What's all this mess? And who are you, sir? Looks like you had a nasty accident.

Bondage It wasn't me, it was these two hooligans.

Widow I should have known it! Aladdin! Wishee Washee!

Wishee <revealing the hiding place with both of them in it> Yes, Widow Twankee?

Aladdin Wishee, we were hiding. Do you never learn?

Widow You're the one who never learns, Aladdin! You still don't know how to activate the spin cycle on the Pleasuretron. You're hopeless - even that wind-powered fan you got me for Christmas doesn't work.

Aladdin Fine! I know when I'm not wanted. You can keep your sodding launderette. I'm leaving; off for a new life; off to make my fortune!
There's a cave with my name on it! I'll see you when I'm rich!

<Aladdin exits. Wishee Washee starts mopping up>

Widow Aladdin! Oh, I do love him really, but he's such a difficult boy. I hope I wasn't too rude to him... <sobs a tear>

Bondage Let me comfort you, my dear lady.

<They hug, Widow sobs melodramatically>

Widow Sir! I'm so sorry. And we haven't even been introduced.

<Break off hug>

Bondage The names Bondage. James Bondage. Licence to tickle, poke, and switch the lids of the salt cellar and the sugar.

Widow I thought James Bondage had a licence to kill?

Bondage Yes, I had one. President Clinton got MI6 to revoke that after I left my exploding cigar in the oval office.

But enough about me, what's your name?

Widow The name's Twankee. Widow Twankee. License to soak, spin, scrub and rub you up the right way. <Pause> Oh, where are my manners? You're soaked right through! You must let me help you out of those wet clothes. I'd love to give them a spin in my Zanussi.

Bondage Zanussi? I think you should experience my Hot Point!

Widow Well... this is a <eyebrows> hard water area.

Bondage Oh, my dear, I'm afraid I must depart. I am on a mission of the utmost impotence.

Widow You disappoint me!

Bondage It is vital for Queen and Country. I have weapons to inspect on the other side of Baghdad.

Widow Oh James! I haven't seen a weapon since my husband died? When will you return?

Bondage Just as soon as the situation becomes less impotent, darling.

Widow Adieu, James!

Bondage Do not fear! James Bondage will return!

<Exit Bondage>

<Song - Beach Boys: Good Vibrations, sung by (to be decided, when cast, out of Widow Twankee/Wishee Washee/Bondage/chorus of washerpeople. Chorus dance with mops, sheets and other props.)>

Scene 6 - Cave

Part 1 - Outside the Cave

<Ebeneezer and Aladdin are "stage walking">

<Cactus brought on to indicate desert>

<A sign saying "to cave", pointing off stage-left>

Ebeneezer I'm so glad you've finally seen sense my boy. Do you know what you have to do?

Aladdin Yes, uncle, as far as I remember it's very simple. All I have to do is go into the cave, try to avoid my imminent and almost certain death, grab all the gold I can, and make sure I get hold of a horrible-old-rusty-lamp-with-no-use-at-all, which I'm to give to you. Are you sure it's safe?

Ebeneezer Yes it is, mainly, but there's one hidden danger I didn't warn you about.

<Dramatic pause>

It's the vampire watermelons.

Aladdin The vampire watermelons?

Ebeneezer Yes. Many an unwary treasure-hunter has fallen foul of their evil treachery. So succulent in appearance, yet so deadly in intent.

Aladdin But how can a watermelon possibly hurt you?

Ebeneezer They suck back.

Aladdin Oh. I… see…

Ebeneezer Here we are! So if you just want to run along into the cave now, there's a good boy, I'll see you in a few hours and we can go and celebrate in the Corrie Tap.

Aladdin Oh goodie! <Walks towards cave, then turns round> Actually, Uncle, there's something I've been wanting to ask you.

Ebeneezer <impatient> What?

Aladdin Well, you see, I've been wondering: what do you actually want with a horrible-rusty-old-lamp-with-no-use-at-all, anyway? I mean, there's enough gold in that cave to make Fort Knox look like a scouser's piggy bank. And you'll be content with some poxy lamp! Why?

Ebeneezer Oh, that's because it contains an all-powerful genie

Aladdin A what?!

Ebeneezer Oh, er, I'm…I'm wearing a cotton-wool bikini. And if you don't get into that cave now I'll show you. <Starts moving seductively towards Aladdin> Alladsikins, would you like to see uncle Ebsy in a cotton-wool bikini?

Aladdin Aaaargh! <Screams and runs off stage left>

Ebeneezer Muhahahahahahahaha! Such a simple mind. In a few hours that innocent kid will be falling over himself to hand me the key to ultimate power, and then the world will me mine! Nyahaha! Nyahaha! Nyahahahaa!

Plant Booooo!

Ebeneezer Oh, shut up. When I've got the lamp, you'll be the first to be changed into something unsavoury. We need a new bog-brush in my evil palace and it looks like you've got the hair to suit it.

<Sign in front of entrance saying "Keep Out - This Means You">

Aladdin Keep out - this means me? How did they know I was coming?

<Enter Security Guards>

Security 1 Can I see your student card please.

Aladdin Sorry, it's a bit chipped at the corner.

Security 1 I'm not allowed to let you in mate.

Aladdin Well can I get someone to sign me in?

Security 1 I'll have to check with DAVE. DAVE, <who is standing right next to him> can he get someone to sign him in?

Security 2 I'm not sure. I'll have to check with Greg. <To Security 1> Greg, can he get someone to sign him in? < etc>

Aladdin Sod this!

<Aladdin walks past Security Guards and exits>

Security 1 OK. You can come in. Oh.

<Walks into cave>

<Blackout>

Part 2 - Inside the Cave

<Sign is brought on, saying "cave">

<There is also a table with a lamp on it, and various cardboard cut-outs of gold things in the background>

<Aladdin runs on, stage-right>

Aladdin Uncles, eh? Who'd have `em? One minute they're asking you to recover some bloody useless rusty old lamp from a cave in the middle of the desert, and the next they're threatening you with indecent exposure!
<Sees lamp on table>
Ah! And here's the lamp! Just what I've been looking for! Golly, it is horrible and rusty, isn't it?!
<Picks it up>
There's something written on this stone.
<Reading out from article>
"Baghdad Ministry of Magic, quarter to two"… <corrects himself> Oh sorry, shit, "1345 - AD. Thus it is decreed that the horrible-rusty-old-lamp-with-no-use-at-all, home of Levi Genie, should be placed in the depths of an impenetrable cave for his own good. The public is warned that any person who rubs the side of the lamp will release the genie, giving themselves three wishes, but only three wishes. This is in accordance with the Genies and Pieces of Lighting Equipment Act 1066".
<To audience>
Whoa! Hang on, there's more.
<Reading out from article again>
"Please note that as a security measure, anyone who removes the lamp will be trapped in the cave by means of a rock fall. I hope they don't realise that they can easily use the genie to wish themselves out of the cave, thus rendering this precaution useless. No, don't write that, you fool. Or that. Stop writing!"
<To audience again>
Odd message. Shit, I'm gonna be trapped in this cave.
<Sound of rock fall>

Aladdin Oh well, never mind. I've got the lamp, and, with any luck, I've got a genie. Let's see if this thing works. And, if there are any smart-arses in the audience, let's not have any "rub your magic lamp" gags, ok?

<Starts rubbing>

<Some form of drum roll, or something>

<Drum roll stops, and Levi Genie walks on, stage left>

Levi Da-dah!

Aladdin Is that it? No puff of smoke? No eerie lighting effect? No big bang?

Levi No, sonnyjim, this is the Avon Gorge room, not the bleedin' Royal Opera House. That's all you get, I'm afraid.

Aladdin <to audience> Well, I suppose it's all you can expect when the society goes and blows the entire budget on booze for the Christmas after show party.

<to genie> So you must be the Genie!

Levi Precisely. My name is Genie. Levi Genie, but you can call me Levi. I am the legendary Genie of the Lamp: always feared, never trusted and very slightly deaf.

Aladdin Did you say Deaf?

Levi Nice chap. Met him once. Rather macabre, always wears black. Impeccably punctual, dontcha know?

Aladdin Ok, I think I get the picture.

Levi Rickshaw? What rickshaw? I haven't seen one of those for years! Can I have a ride?!

Aladdin Oh God, this is getting nowhere. I wish you could hear properly…

<Bing!>

Levi That would make life a lot easier. Hey I can hear you! That's so kind of you to spend one of your wishes on me!

Aladdin <to audience> Bollocks! Better not waste the other two.

<to genie> I'm just a generous sort of guy. So how did you end up in that lamp? And why were you chronically deaf?

Levi It's a long story.

Aladdin Oh, don't bother then.

Levi <ignores him> Long ago, I was shacked up with a lady-genie, called Jean. Being genies, you can just imagine the sex we had. Unrestricted by the bounds of stamina, gender or the Geneva convention on human rights, it … well it was fantastic. Problem was, she was a squealer.

Aladdin Way too much info, Levi.

Levi It permanently damaged my hearing. And when she tried to wish it away I accidentally turned her into a herring. After that, our lovemaking was never quite the same. We drifted apart, and eventually she moved out of my life and out of my lamp. Last I heard she was living in a semi-detached ring in North Africa. I miss her terribly.

Aladdin Look, I'll tell you what. If you make it so I can marry Princess Jasmine, I'll try my hardest to get you and Jean back together. Does that sound good to you?

Levi Yes, it does. And anyway, I have to do what you tell me. You were the one that found the lamp, so you own me!

Aladdin Huh?

Levi Let me put it another way…

<Song - You Are The One That Owns Me (Chesney Hawkes: The One And Only)>

ACT II

Scene 7a - The Proposal

<Enter Narrator>

Narrator Welcome back those of you who could be bothered to return for yet another 45 minutes of painful puns and single entendres. For anyone who is a little confused by the story so far, let me make things perfectly opaque.

Aladdin's three wishes were granted by the Chesney-Hawkes-Impersonating Genie Levi. He was magically whisked off to the Sultan's Palace, a little richer and a lot hornier. The only thing on his mind was finding Princess Jasmine.

<Jasmine and Fifi enter, followed by Aladdin>

Aladdin <running over to Jasmine> Jasmine, there's something I want to tell you.

Fifi What are you doing here? If the Sultan finds you he'll shove that famous cucumber of yours where the sun don't shine.

Aladdin I want to talk to Jasmine.

Fifi What about?

Aladdin Privately.

Fifi Go on, just a little clue… please… you know that you want to. <Starts to dance around Aladdin>

Aladdin Grrr. Will you please just leave me alone.

Fifi Ok, I get the hint. People these days are so rude to humble serving wenches with nay an opinion of their own. <Shakes head and walks off>

Jasmine Oh Aladdin, you came to see me! <Pleased> But we can't see each other any more, you know that. My parents wouldn't allow it, you're a commoner.

Aladdin But that's where you're wrong, my love. I'm now filthy, stinking rich. These shoes cost [[sterling]]2000!

Jasmine But they look exactly the same as your old shoes.

Aladdin That's what's so cunning.

Jasmine <slightly confused pause> Is there some reason you came to see me, or just to show me your shoes?

Aladdin What I'm trying to say, my darling little Arabian flower is that I want to be the bee to your pollen, the butterfly to your nectar, the honey monster to your sugar puffs <Gets down on one knee>Will you marry me, my darling, loveliest Jasmine?

Jasmine <pause> No.

Aladdin What?!? But I'm rich now.

Jasmine I'm already engaged to Bondage and my parents have threatened to cut off my Samaka if I pull out of this marriage. They would never break off an engagement for such a fickle reason as love. Wrong colour camel yes, love no.

And anyway, you're not a prince or an international man of mystery. You might be rich, but you're just a rich commoner.

Aladdin I suppose that's true. Did I mention I'm hung like a donkey?

Jasmine You're right, there must be a way. We'll find a way, damn it. I love you, Aladdin and I want your babies. <They kiss like a pair of woolly mammoths>

Fifi Oh, did I miss anything important?

Scene 7b - The Wedding

Narrator And so, with the aid of some scissors, two monkeys and a barrel of peanut butter, Jasmine was able to prove that Bondage was not in fact American at all. When it was pointed out to the disappointed Sultan that Aladdin once had bought a Prince Album, thus making him royalty, he was more than happy to engage yet another virile young man to his favorite and in fact only daughter.

Several minutes later, it was to be a wedding neither of them would ever forget…

<Jasmine and Aladdin are dressed in glittering (cough) robes, facing the altar. The priest is behind the altar staring at the Bride's breasts. The congregation sit at the edges of the stage>

Priest Dearly beloved, we are gathered in the sight of our Lord to witness the joining in holy matrimony of this man and this rather foxy young lady. <Looks at Jasmine, quietly> Hey baby how about it?

<Jasmine looks shocked>

If anyone here present knows of any reason why these two lovely individuals cannot be wedded today, speak now or forever hold your peace…

Widow <To Bondage> I'd certainly like to hold your piece Bondage!

Bondage I've an itchy trigger finger. I could go off at any moment. <they titter childishly>

Priest Silence in my church motherfuckers!
<Stunned silence>
No objections? Damn! What about you, lady bride? Do you really want to spend the rest of your wedded week with this? <points at Aladdin>
Why have a korma when you can have a vindaloo? When the Lord made me, he made me hot, baby, ooh!

Jasmine God no! I'd rather marry the Elephant Man than a jumped-up cleric like you.

Priest I sure love a challenge…

<Regains composure>
So do you, Aladdin Archibald Imran Twankee take the beautiful and bewitching Jasmine Emmanuelle Sergeant Pepper to be your lawful wedded wo-man?

Aladdin I do!

Priest And do you Jasmine Pepper, take this old tosser as your lawful wedded husband?

Jasmine I do. <Angry stare at priest>

Priest You don't want me then? I'll give it six months before you'll be crawling back to the love machine…..

<Jasmine and Aladdin ignore him and snog>

Ahem.

<Jasmine and Aladdin pay attention again>
By the power invested in me I pronounce you man and wife! <under his breath> if you can call that a man…

Jasmine Oh darling, we're married! It's the best day of my life!

Let's christen the matrimonial bed. And then every other bed in the palace…

<Aladdin drags Jasmine off stage>
<Police enter>

Police 1 Judas Priest, I'm arresting you for the future murder of Jimmy Savile.

Priest But he's still alive.

Police 2 Tell that to the little wooden balls, sunshine.

<They drag him off>

Sultana Fifi, the refreshments.

<Fifi leaves>

Sultan <To everyone> Now friends, tonight we not only celebrate the union of Aladdin and Jasmine, but also the end of hostilities between our country and America, for which we are forever indebted to Mr Bondage here.

<Applause for Bondage>

To commemorate this historic occasion, we present to you, at great expense, America's hottest new boy band. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please put your hands together for…

E-mascul-8!

<Enter three members of E-mascul-8>

Band 1 Hey guys it's great to be here tonight in…. Baghdad!

<Cheers, followed by power cut>

<Sounds of fighting>

<When lights return, Band 1 has been replaced by Ebeneezer,

who's dressed in a very unconvincing disguise>

Plant Booooo! <if no one else does>

Sultan Sorry about that, just a little power cut. Take it away boys!!

<Mime 30 seconds of a cheesy boy band song>

<Chorus section, all mime. Then verse where Ebeneezer mimes badly>

<Tape dies, and Ebeneezer keeps singing>

<Everyone applauds>

<Fifi returns with tray of coffee and dates>

Fifi Coffee and Dates everyone!

<Everyone goes over to Fifi, and faces away from the Altar where the lamp is>

Ebeneezer <to audience>

Haha! With my cunning disguise I have infiltrated the Palace. Now I will take back the lamp, and the world will be mine!

<Eb slowly tip-toes towards lamp>

<Wishee looks at Eb, and Eb stops moving>

Wishee Hmm… that lead singer looked familiar, he reminds me of … oh what's that criminal called?

<Wishee looks at Levi. Eb moves again>

<This continues throughout next lines>

Levi Michael Barrymore?

Wishee No no! It's that one that got away with that murder!

Levi Michael Barrymore?

Widow It's on the tip of my tongue…

Bondage Something usually is.

Sultan Don't be ridiculous Wishee, that's the famous PJ Timberflake! Don't you remember him from such hits as Shag Me Do and Press Your Lumps Against Mine?

<By this point Ebeneezer is just about to grab the lamp, but is stopped by the next line>

Fifi Oh my god! <Jade from Big Brother Style> PJ is that really you?

Ebeneezer Erm… yes. <Unconvincingly>

Fifi Though I be but a humble serving wench, with nay an opinion of mine own, I fancy the pants off you!!

Ebeneezer <looking her up and down> Actually you're not so bad yourself.

Fifi Ooh. Come here my crooning Casanova…

Ebeneezer Oh my beautiful buxom bumpkin!

<they snog>

Widow Talk about a whirlwind romance. That was the fastest act of coupling I've seen since Thomas the Tank Engine got shunted from behind by the fat controller.

Bondage On that point, let us away to bed. Tonight it's your turn to be a weapon inspector!

Scene 8 - The Sex Scene

<Enter Narrator>

Narrator By nine thirty, it's almost ten o'clock. Everyone in the palace is asleep. Well, nearly everyone. Somewhere in the upper reaches of the palace, a great beast has been aroused. <Exit Narrator>

Part 1 - Aladdin and Jasmine's room offstage right

Aladdin Oh Jasmine, alone at last my love. Let us consummate our marriage!

Jasmine Shh, don't speak, darling. Take me!

<wait 3 seconds>

Aladdin Aaahhh! That was wonderful. <starts to snore very loudly>

< Sultana enters>

Sultana Well done darling, Daddy and I are so proud!

Jasmine Mother, GO AWAY!

Sultana Sorry dear <Sultana exits>

Jasmine I love you Aladdin. Oh he's asleep. Oh well, I need a drink.

<Jasmine leaves>

Narrator And in other rooms also, other couples were taking advantage of the humid night and surprisingly paper-thin walls…

Part 2 - Sultan and Sultana's Room Offstage Left

Sultana <cracking a whip>You've been a naughty boy Sultan, a very, very naughty boy.

Sultan Oh Sultana!

Sultana <cracking whip again> So you want some more, eh?

Sultan Our share prices have gone up again.

Sultana Were you even listening to me? You just don't seem to find me sexy anymore.

Sultan No that's not true, we made love last month. I remember, I had to sleep in the wet patch.

Sultana No, that was just when you wet the bed

Sultan Oh.

Narrator Blinded by her lust, Fifi Trixibelle has failed to realise that her partner is not the famous PJ Timberflake, but is in fact the crazy homicidal lunatic Ebeneezer.

Part 3 - Ebeneezer and Fifi's Room

Ebeneezer Fifi…. Press Your Lumps Against Mine!

Fifi PJ darling, Shag Me Do!

<Behind a sheet you can see their shadows>

<Ebeneezer and Fifi are having wild sex>

<After a while Ebeneezer starts to use the pineapple>

<Fifi falls asleep>

<Jasmine comes in>

Ebeneezer Well, hello there Jasmine.

Jasmine Oh sorry Ebeneezer, I got the wrong room.

Ebeneezer That's ok, I don't mind. <seductively> I'm in bed

Jasmine I didn't realise you were trying to sleep

Ebeneezer I wasn't. <seductively> I'm naked.

Jasmine Are you hot?

Ebeneezer I'm very hot.

Jasmine Shall I open the window? <goes to open the window>

Ebeneezer <exasperated> Oh come on, don't play innocent with me sweetie, we both know you want me.

<Fifi wakes up>

Fifi What's going on? Oops. Hello my lady.

Ebeneezer <rubbing his hands> Oh goody, a threesome.

Fifi <angry> PJ! This is the Princess! Aren't I enough for you?

Jasmine Fifi. How could you? Just look at him! And what were you doing with that pineapple?

Fifi You're just jealous!

Ebeneezer <to jasmine> I'll leave you two girls to it. <to audience>I'm just going off to get some… baby oil <dirty laugh>

<Ebeneezer sneaks out>

<Blackout. Clear stage>

Lights up. Only Ebeneezer on stage. The lamp is left on a table, Ebeneezer picks it up>

Ebeneezer Muhahaha!!! All power is mine! <He rubs the lamp and Levi appears>

Levi Da-da! Oh, Aladdin, you look terrible! You do realize you've used up all your wishes?

Ebeneezer Genie! You will serve me and grant me three wishes!

Levi Wait, you're not Aladdin… Piss off! You're not getting any wishes from me, beardy.

Ebeneezer Ah, but there's the rub. <Reads from lamp> This label specifically states wash at 40 degrees…and! That anyone who rubs the lamp will get three wishes, and that includes me!

Levi Ah. Bollocks.

<Aladdin enters half asleep>

Aladdin Hello buttercup…<sees Ebeneezer, and wakes up> Oh, it's you, Uncle Ebeneezer. Have you been introduced? Levi, this is Ebeneezer, Uncle Ebeneezer, this is Levi Genie. <Thinks for a second> What's going on?

Ebeneezer Oh Aladdin. Such a trusting fool. I'm not your uncle and I never will be! I am Ebeneezer Goode, arch-villain and criminal extraordinaire. Did you think I'd allow you to keep that lamp all to yourself?

Aladdin But I am master of the lamp. I was the one who rubbed it first.

Ebeneezer Tough titties, it's my lamp now! No one will wrench it from my grasp!

Aladdin Levi, can't you do something to help?

Levi Sorry, Aladdin, I can't. He has rubbed the lamp. Now he is the one that owns me.

Ebeneezer Muhahahahahaaa! Now, Genie, for my first wish, I want Aladdin to be banished to the icy wastes of Colchester and his marriage to Princess Jasmine to be declared void.

<to audience> I know that's technically two wishes, but I said them very quickly.

<Bing!>

And for my second wish, I want complete control over the Sultan! Then I'll be able to marry his beautiful daughter Jasmine! Muhahahahahahahaha!

<Bing!>

I'll keep the third wish for later. You never know when it might come in useful.

Levi Your wishes are granted. I'm so sorry Aladdin.

Ebeneezer I'm not! Goodbye Aladdin, fair thee well in your new life in Colchester! Muhahaha!!!

Scene 9 - In the Desert

Narrator enters>

Narrator And so it was that Aladdin was transported to the icy wastes of Colchester to begin a new life. Unfortunately, geography was never Levi's strong point and so Aladdin was surprised to find himself in the middle of the marginally more hospitable Sahara Desert

< 30-odd seconds of "walk like an egyptian", - with about 10 dancers doing an "Egyptian-style" dance.>

<the dancers leave the stage>

<there is someone in the middle of the stage, wearing some form of cactus costume- possibly strapped to a cardboard cut-out, and with a Mexican hat and possibly even a pistol if we can manage it>

<enter Aladdin, stage-right>

Aladdin Ah well, at least it's better than Colchester.

Cactus <Mexican Accent> Eh! Amigo!

Aladdin Crikey Moses! What the hell are you?

Fernando I'm Grim Fernando, the talking cactus of Mehico.

Aladdin We're in Mexico?

Fernando That's what you think!

Aladdin But are we in Mexico?

Fernando No. But you do think that, do you not? I think that too. We're not in Mehico. Is a bit of a mystery, no?

Aladdin Look mate, It's been a tiring few days. After what I've been through I can't cope with a talking cactus.

Fernando No, don't leave me! I know what you need, amigo!

Aladdin Really? What?

Fernando You need a camel. Camels are known as the ships of the desert. Do you know why?

Aladdin <not interested> No….

Fernando Because they're full of Arabic semen! Ha, ha! Arriva! Arriva!

Aladdin <to audience> Bloody Hell. The whole of the desert to choose from and I end up here. Ebeneezer is obviously trying to drive me mad.

<to cactus> And you've got to be the most annoying ….. thing I've ever met.

<enter Ali B, followed by Camella Parker Bowles and four gangsters >

Aladdin Hey! You're that con-man who sold Wishee-Washee those fake drugs!

Ali B Look, why is you oppressing me? Is it `cos I is of middle-eastern appearance?

Aladdin No, it's because you're a git. Who are you anyway?

Ali B Is you from da Daily Mail?

Aladdin No!

Ali B Oh dat's ok then. Me name is Ali B and these are me forty gangsters.

Aladdin Forty?

Ali B Aiii. Onety, twoty , threety, forty. Me only went to Baghdad to pick up one of those inflatable camel dolls. But when I went to give it a test ride…

Aladdin OK, OK, I get the picture. The name's Aladdin, by the way. But why are you making a living selling fake cannabis to foreigners?

Ali B Mate. I can't tell you dat - I aint a batty boy. But I can rap it to you, if you want.

Aladdin Right…

<Ali B rap…>

Aladdin That doesn't explain anything!

Ali B Aight. Well, me nan always used to say if you want to get ahead in life you have to give lots of,…er,… head. …Or something like dat. Me nan's a bit odd.

Aladdin Ok. If you say so.

Ali B And the ganja business ere is going well min-gin'!

Aladdin Jesus….

Ali B For real. For starters, me can't get da ganja to grow in the dusty arid wasteland of da desert. And I `as no idea why! I as been reduced to smokin' camel poo.

Aladdin Is it any good?

Ali B It's shit. But it's good shit!

Hey Aladdin, you know anything about growing stuff in da desert?

Aladdin Not that kind of stuff. But I do know of someone who can. Try this number. <shows him address book>

<Ali B takes phone with rather puzzled expression and dials number>

<partial black-out>

<the next bit is broadcasted over loudspeakers into the audience>

Announcer That was the BBC Radio 4 Play. And now, Gardener's question time. And here's your host, Eric Robson.

Eric Good afternoon. We join you again from the delightful Sussex village of lower Dibblington, where we have been talking to a Mrs Trellis from North Wales who was looking for advice on trimming her over-grown water-feature. As usual, Bob Flowerdew and Pippa Greenwood are on-call to answer your questions.
Now, I believe we have a caller on line 1. Hello?

Ali B Boyakasha, Eric! Ali B's in da house, respect!

Eric Hello there, Ali, what seems to be the problem?

Ali B Well, you see, I is having a well difficult time trying to grow me illicit herbs in da desert.

Eric Ok, Ali, I think we can probably help you there. Pippa - what do you make of Ali's situation?

Pippa Well, Ali, people often experience trouble trying to get plants to grow in the desert. Can you tell me exactly what the problem seems to be?

Ali B Well, me bitch, let me tell you one thing. Since, me 'eard your voice, me aint having no trouble getting me plant to grow aiiight!

Pippa I'm sorry?

Ali B Well never mind. Anyways, me ganja plant keeps shrivelling up and dying, and me don't know why. I's tried injecting cyanide directly into its stem but for some reason dat didn't work.

Pippa Oh, Ali, I think I know what your problem is. Have you tried watering your marij-u-ana?

Ali B Uh... No. Why would I do dat?

Pippa In my experience of the desert, if you water your plants at least 105 times a day, you should be fine.

Ali B Oh, fanx! You is one clever bitch!

Eric Haha excellent. Now, on to line 2, where I believe a Mr Mandelson is having trouble filling in a shallow grave in his rose bed.

<back to desert>

Aladdin See, Ali, I told you they'd help you out!

Ali B Recognize! Aladdin, you is now officially me main man. How can I ever repay you? Nofin is too much.

Aladdin A trip back home would be nice!

Ali B No dat is too much.... I know what! 'ere, have dis ring. It contains a magic genie.

Aladdin Really? Wow, that is kind!

Ali B Nah. The genie's a right bitch. Me asked her for infinity wishes and she told me to piss off.

Aladdin Oh ok, well thanks, Ali!

Ali B Aight. See you in the Finale. Selecta...ta...ta...ta...ta...ta...ta!

<Exit Ali B, Stage-Left>

Aladdin Bye! <waves after him>

<to Fernando, who is still standing there>Well, wasn't he nice! Out of his bloody mind, but...

Fernando E! Amigo! Have you heard the one about the blonde explorer in the desert? She took a piece of sandpaper, thinking it was a map!

Aladdin Right! I know what this calls for! <rubs ring>

<enter Jean Genie, in a full-on-badass-human-sized-herring-costume, stage-left>

Jean Da-Dah!

Aladdin Genie...My first wish is for you to dispose of this irritating cactus!

Jean Why, certainly!

<Bong!>

<two people come on from the wings, bind-and-gag Fernando, and drag him out

kicking and screaming>

Aladdin Thank you... Jean genie.

Jean That's me! Do I know you?

Aladdin No. I met your other half.

Jean Ah... my other half. The half-wit. Deaf and stupid - you may not have noticed, but that twat TURNED ME INTO A HERRING!

Aladdin Oh yes. I see.

Jean Sorry - I haven't been feeling myself for a long time now. It's the fins you know.

Aladdin Look, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. You ought to consider seeing him again. It must be very lonely in that ring.

Jean But I can't get back together with him! He's deaf as a post!

Aladdin Not any more! I wished it away!

Jean You wished it away? Really? That was nice of you!... Well, I suppose, I could consider seeing him again. I can remember it all so vividly. The walks in the park... the ice-cream by the river...

Aladdin The sex dressed as She-Ra Princess of power?

Jean <wistfully> The sex dressed as She-Ra Princess of Power. <back to reality> Oh, he told you about that too, did he?

Aladdin Uh...lucky guess

Jean Our intimate personal secrets! The bastard! Oh, that really takes the custard cream. Next time I see him, I'm going to give him such a wet slap...

Aladdin That might be sooner than you think.

For my second wish, I wish for my marriage to Princess Jasmine to be restored!

<BONG!>

Now let's get back to Baghdad!

<exeunt, stage left>

Scene 10a - Persuading Jasmine

Narrator We return to the Sultan's palace where things have taken a wern for the terse. Through the magic of the genie the Sultan must obey Evil Ebeneezer's each and every command…

<Sultan is scurrying around, moving things and cleaning up>

Ebeneezer And I want you to clean the bathroom... with your tongue! Muhhahahah!

Sultan Yes master.

Ebeneezer But first we have more important issues to deal with. Sultan, I want to marry your daughter!

Sultan Yes master.

<Jasmine enters the room>

Ebeneezer Speak of the devil. No, wait a minute, that's me. <Ebeneezer hides behind curtain>

Sultan Jasmine. You will marry Ebeneezer.

Jasmine What?!? But I'm married to Aladdin! Don't you remember? It was only this morning! Have you forgotten to take your pills again father?

Sultan You will marry Ebeneezer.

Jasmine Look, father. This is obviously some kind of joke. I half expect Jeremy Beadle to jump out from behind that curtain any minute.

<they all look at the curtain>

<nothing happens>

<turn back to each other>

Well maybe not.

<ebeneezer jumps out>

Ebeneezer Ha! I always come when you least expect it!

Jasmine I know. Fifi already told me.

Ebeneezer I will make an excellent husband!

Sultan Ebeneezer will make an excellent husband. Come to daddy.

.<she backs off, into the arms of Ebeneezer>

Ebeneezer Haha! Got you now..<Ties her up>

Jasmine Oh my god! They're mad! Stop them! Aaaaarrrrrrgh!

Ebeneezer Muahahahahahahahaha! I am invincible! Nothing can stand in my way! <dryly>...Sultan, Get out of my way!

<blackout>

Scene 10b - Back at the Palace

<Wedding scene in the palace. Priest is in straight jacket and muzzle/mask>

<Jasmine is wearing handcuffs and a gag and looks distinctly uncomfortable>

Narrator Our last scene is sadly also our eleventh.

Preparations are getting under way for the wedding of the year…

But that's enough about Amanda Holden and Neil Morrissey's wedding, we're here to see Jasmine get married… again.

No expense has been spent on making this wedding an even more glistening and forgettable occasion than the last.

<Narrator starts to leave>

<Narrator quickly returns and removes the muzzle/mask from the priest and then really leaves this time>

Narrator Like the Judge said I can only take this off if you promise not to molest the Bride… Ok?

<Priest nods>

Priest I'll do my best, man. <clears throat> Dearly bewildered, we are gathered here today, on pain of death by the Sultan, to bring together the lovely Jasmine and the crazy homicidal lunatic Ebeneezer. Ain' love a wonderful thing?

Ebeneezer <To audience> Of course, what the Sultan doesn't realise is that once I have married Jasmine I intend to dispose of that useless despot and his slightly unfortunate wife.

Sultan Come on, get to the good bit. I really want my daughter to marry this rather unhinged bastard… for some reason.

Priest So Ebeneezer Stanislav Mildred Goode, do you take Jasmine Pepper to be your lawful wedded wife?

Ebeneezer I do.

Priest And Jasmine Pepper, do you take Ebeneezer Goode to be your lawful wedded husband.

Jasmine <Clear strains of NOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO!!!!!>

Sultan She said yes.

Ebeneezer She's my wife now!

Priest Well, not quite yet. First I have to declare you man and wife.

Bambi-Mae <Bursts into tears> Oh, I always cry at weddings!

Chuck An authentic foreign ceremony. Where's the souvenir shop?

Priest And so, by the powers vested in me by myself, I declare you...

Widow Hold it right there! This is too straightforward for a final scene. Where's the last minute plot twist, the good guy arriving in the nick of time and snatching victory from the jaws of defeat?

<enter Wishee dramatically>

Wishee <brandishing a wooden spoon & wearing a saucepan on his head> Here I am!

Widow Not you! <prods Bondage, who does nothing>

Bondage Sorry. It's my day off.

<Wishee looks disappointed>

Priest May I continue? Thank you. I now declare you man and...

<Aladdin and Jean Genie enter>

Aladdin Not so fast, Ebeneezer Goode!

I believe you will find that I'm married to the Princess!

Ebeneezer Impossible!

Aladdin Not when you have a Genie! I found another one. Call it a knack!

Wishee That's how you got back so quickly. You used a wish!

Aladdin No. Easyjet. [[sterling]]10 return. I thought I should save a wish for later. <to audience> You never know when they might come in useful!

Ebeneezer You bastard!

Bambi-Mae Oh Chuck, isn't this exciting?

<Americans hug>

Ebeneezer You're lying! Continue the wedding!

Sultana Well there's only one way of determining this. Let us consult the Births, Deaths and Marriages register. <Dramatic music>

Everyone Not the Births, Deaths and Marriages register! <Dramatic music>

Sultana Yes! The Births, Deaths and Marriages register! <Dramatic music> Grant, Phil, fetch the register.

<Grant and Phil exit and return with a single tiny sheet of paper>

Let me see. Ah yes, on the 32nd of Octember, Aladdin Twankee and Jasmine Pepper were married. Sorry, Ebeneezer but it seems Jasmine is married already.

<Guards allow Aladdin to remove Jasmine's gag>

<Aladdin and Jasmine hug>

Ebeneezer But polygamy is legal in this state!

Jasmine Yes, but only on Tuesdays.

Ebeneezer <to audience> What day is it?

Plant <SAY DAY OF THE WEEK>

Ebeneezer Damn! Damn you all to hell!

Sultan Right, come on. Off to hell everyone! <starts ushering everyone out>

Sultana What on earth is wrong with you dear?

Bondage <grabs Sultan, inspects mouth> Hmmm. It appears that the Sultan has been Sub-Atomic Nano-Brainwashed, possibly by a Genie's wish. Luckily I have my Super-Atomic Nano-Brainwash Reverser with me, cunningly disguised in this jam sandwich. <brings out Jam Sandwich, pulls sultans head towards it>

<Lights flash>

Sultan <dazed> Uhhh. Where am I? What's going on? Ah. A wedding! Did I fall asleep? Jasmine have you married Bondage yet?

Jasmine You tried to get me to marry Evil Ebeneezer! Don't you remember?

Sultan No no no, I wanted you to marry Bondage. I think.

Jasmine Oh Father, I'm so confused. Why can't you just stop interfering in my life and deciding what my feelings are? You just couldn't help yourself, could you? As soon as Aladdin was out of the way, you were there plotting my next marriage to someone more suitable. You really are frightfully unfair!

Sultan All my life I've tried to do what's right for you.

Jasmine No you haven't! You've only ever been interested in furthering your own power!

Sultan No, no, no, no, no, well... yes. Sorry about that.

<Sultan and Sultana leave>

Ebeneezer Don't worry Jasmine. I still have the lamp! The Sultan will never be able to control you again.

Jasmine And YOU! You're even worse! Fancy tying me up. Without my permission! <Aladdin throws Jasmine a leek, and brings out a cucumber>

Ebeneezer Bring it on! <Pulls out a marrow>

<They fight, and Aladdin and Jasmine drop their vegetables, Ebeneezer holds his marrow to Aladdin's throat>

Not so clever now, are we? How are you going to wriggle your way out of this one?

Aladdin It's at times like this when I wish I'd listened to what my parents told me when I was little.

Jasmine <puzzled> Why? What did they tell you?

Aladdin I don't know! I didn't listen!

Ebeneezer Silence, worms! There is nothing you can do to stop me! All power is mine! <prepares for the kill>

Wishee Save them, somebody… else.

<enter Ali B>

Ali B Oi Bitches, does anyone know the way to Da Highbury Vaults…. Oh shit, what is you doin'?

Mate, dat is not da right way to utilise your marrow, aight! Dis' aint Deep Throat 2!

This is all getting' a bit hectic, I is needing to relax. S'cuse me.

<gets drugs>

Aladdin Hey, give me some of that! <grabs drugs and throws some at Ebeneezer>

Ebeneezer What? <sniffs> <goes all spaced> Ooh, that is rather nice. <broad smile> Happy Ebeneezer, happy Ebeneezer, oh look a butterfly!

<wanders off stage>

Happy, happy, Oh look, it's a long pointy thing, I wonder what this does? Hey! I can make pretty patterns in blood on my chest! weeeee! weee! <happy evil laugh> Moohaha!

Aladdin Ali? How did you get here? And what the hell was that stuff?

Ali B Athlete's foot powder. All dat activity was making me feet itch.

Jasmine It seemed to do the trick.

Aladdin Hey, I've got an idea…

<Aladdin picks up lamp, and rubs>

<Enter Levi>

Levi Da-Dah! Ebeneezer, I've told you, I'm not going to... Oh, it's you. Hello, Aladdin! What can I do for you?

Aladdin Levi, I want you and Jean to back together again.

Levi Oh God, is she here? I don't want to talk to her!

Jean Well Levi, I certainly want to talk to you! I want to give you a piece of my mind! Fancy turning me into a herring! I'm your wife, Levi, don't that mean nothing to you? I never want to get back together again, do you hear? NEVER!

<short eastenders music>

<Pops head around door>

Sultan Stop that! Stop that! Strictly American soaps in my palace.

<Sultan leaves again>

Aladdin Thank you Sultan Pepper. Jean! For my third wish I wish that you and Levi would be together again!

<Family fortunes noise whi-ooooor! >

Jean Nope. No can do, thank God. I can't make people fall in love with each other, it's against the rules and just plain morally wrong. I know I didn't say so earlier, but it's in the film.

Aladdin Damn!

Wishee Wait a minute, Aladdin. I have a Cunning stunt! no a stunning cunt. Erm…

<Shocked silence>

Widow So do I, but I assume you mean you have a plan.

Wishee Yes. Anyway, Al, why not wish for Jean to lose her disturbing herring-like appearance?

Aladdin Brilliant! In fact, it was so brilliant I'll take the credit for it myself. Jean, I wish for you to lose your disturbing herring-like appearance!

<Bong!!>

<Jean takes off her herring costume>

Jean Thanks Aladdin. Oh how wonderful it is to be free of that awful herring smell.

Oh Levi. Now we can go back to the way we were before.

Widow Love is so much better when it comes late in life.

Ali That's what me gran said when she nobbed that bloke from Westlife.

Levi How I've missed you Jean. For the last seven hundred years I've been all alone in the lamp, with only Chesney Hawkes records for company. Let us go and make mad, passionate love!

Jean There's nothing I'd like more.

<Exit Genies. Enter Ebeneezer>

<Hear from off stage. BING! Oooohhh! Bong! Oh baby! BING! BING! My go! BONG! BONG! >

<Ebeneezer jumps back on stage.>

Ebeneezer Muhahahaa! So you thought you'd got rid of me using nothing more than a supply of low grade pharmaceuticals? Well you're wrong. I'm back, I'm evil and my feet don't itch any more! <Grabs the lamp from Aladdin> Now for the climax of the whole show! I wish to rule the world!!! <Rubs lamp>

Voiceover I'm sorry but the Genie you are calling is not available. Please leave your wish after the tone <beep>

Ebeneezer What's going on. Where's the Genie?

Bondage It appears that your evil plan has been thwarted, Ebeneezer. The Genies are all tied up at the moment.

Widow They're too busy copulating to grant any more wishes. You can never seize the Sultan's power and rule the world!

Everyone Hurrah!

Ebeneezer Damn, damn, damn! Oh well, I still have my marrow. <wields it at Aladdin>

Jasmine And we've still got this powder!

< Aladdin shoves powder under Ebeneezer's nose>

Ebeneezer The gerbils are coming. We all have to flee. Flee! Kentucky's burning. Kentucky's burning. Fried chicken for everyone!

<Ebeneezer does voodoo dances around the altar>

Bambi-Mae Why's that man doing voodoo dances around the altar?

Chuck It's a traditional local custom. I saw it on World's Funniest Disembowellings.

Bambi-Mae How quaint!

<Enter Fifi>

Fifi Oh PJ Timberflake, why did you betray me?

Ebeneezer Massage my nipples with antelope juice! Wubulubul!

Fifi Though I may be but a humble serving wench with nay an opinion of mine own, you said you loved me, then you went off with Jasmine.. You bastard!

<slaps Ebeneezer, and cries for a second>

Oh PJ, I'm sorry we had to split up..

Ebeneezer <deadly serious> Slap my breasts with a roast chicken!! Lobster! Lobster!

Fifi Oh PJ! You do still love me don't you!

Ebeneezer LOBSTER!

Fifi <look of love> Kiss me! <grabs Ebeneezer and snogs him>

Ali <Jerry Springer Final Thought Style> Listen kids, dat is what can happen to you if dabble in da white stuff. So let dis be a lesson to you all. Don't do drugs. Dey is bad. Now I is off to `ave a spliff. Selecta!

<Ali exits>

<Sultan and Sultana come in>

Aladdin Looks like Ebeneezer isn't going to cause us any more trouble.

Oh Jasmine, I love you so very much.

Jasmine Oh Aladdin, I love you too!

<they snog, and exit>

Sultana Well, as long as she's happy. Oh Sultan, you do love me don't you?

Sultan Yes of course I do. In a way.

<they walk off hand in hand>

Widow Bondage! Take me, shake me, stir me!

Bondage Oh the things I do for England.

<they snog, exit>

Wishee Oh wooden spoon, we've had so much fun together…

<wishee snogs the spoon, exits>

Bambi-Mae You know Chuck, It's been such a great holiday.

Chuck It sure has Bambi-Mae.

<they walk off in opposite directions>

<everyone comes on stage>

<Final Song: Walking on Sunshine>

<The End >

LYRICS

You Are the One That Owns Me

Levi You are the one that owns me, oh yeah.
Call me, call me when you need me
Just ask for Levi Genie.
You know the story,
You've got my power in all its glory.

And yet, if you don't understand yet,
The part you must not forget;
Try not to ask for,
Anything you may regret, you bet.

You are the one that owns me,
You rubbed the lamp and set me free.
You are the one that owns me,
You can get what you like from me.

I'll grant to you three wishes,
Ladies to do the dishes,
Dressed in their wonderbras,
With Britney's tits and Kylie's arse or

Maybe a fancy motor, champagne and table d'hote,
Diamonds and wads of cash,

<Ali B enters>

Ali B Or `ow about an ounce or two of hash?

<Ali B Exits>

Levi You are the one that owns me,
wish is my command.
are the one that owns me,
Because you rubbed me with your hand

Aladdin Well what a turn up for the books,
Girls have never liked my looks
But now I've had a stroke of luck,
Maybe I'll finally get a
New Suit,
For when I am to marry,
Into the Royal Family.
I can't go dressed like this,
Or else they're gonna take the piss.

<Instrumental - Spoken>

Levi What will you wish for o master?

Aladdin For my second wish, I want you to make me the sixth richest man in the world.
For my final wish I want to go to Sultan's palace and marry Princess Jasmine!

<Back to the Choruses>

Everyone You are the one that owns me,
You rubbed the lamp and set me free.
You are the one that owns me,
You can do what you like with me.

You are the one that owns me,
Your wish is my command.
You are the one that owns me,

Ali B Because you rubbed `im wiv your hand!

Common People

Aladdin She came from Baghdad with a taste for carrots,
She studied terror at Saint Saddam's College,
that's where I touched her thigh.
She told me that her Dad was loaded
At least he was until his country exploded.
He was fine. And sending shivers up my spine she said,

Jasmine I want to live like common people.
I want to do whatever common people do,
I want to sleep with common people
I want to sleep with common people like you.

Aladdin Well what else could I do - I said I'll see what I can do.

Jasmine He took me to a local tavern,
I went to kiss him but he stuck his tongue in my ear.
and he drank my beer

Aladdin I said oh shit I've got no money

Jasmine I just laughed and said "Oh you're so funny!"

Aladdin I said yeah.
"No really, we'd better doer a runner, I'm skint!"

Jasmine I want to live like common people
I want to see wherever common people see
I want to sleep with common people,

Aladdin You want to sleep with common people like me!

But then you had to go back home,
And I was left naked, drunk and alone

Jasmine I want to wear a filthy shirt,
Bathe myself in grease and dirt.
Go to sleep in piles of straw,
Eat the scrapings off the floor.

Aladdin But still you got it all for free ,
when you were laid in bed by me,
eating veggies from the stall,
If you told your Dad he'd detach my balls yeah.

Jasmine I'll never live like common people

Aladdin You didn't like the day old pizza for lunch

Jasmine I'll never smell like common people

Aladdin You'll never wash your feet each other month, and I'd like to marry you,

Both But I'm a different class to you-oo-ooo!

Aiiii, My Name Is

Ali B Aiiii! Me name is…(Bo!)
Me name is…(Selecta!)
Me name is…Ali Baba
Aiiii! Me name is…(Bo!)
Me name is…(Selecta!)
Me name is…Ali Baba.

Ahem… `scese me.
Can I have da attention of da desert for just one second?
Me'd like to tell you a story. Wicked.

Hey kids, do you like Punani? (Aiiiii)
Wanna see me stick me 12" up a sexy Sudani? (for real!)
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (no shit!)
I got me moves from a motherfucking porn vid! (Easy Now!)

Me Brain's dead weight
Me trying to get me head straight
But me can't figure out how to smoke Organo-Phosphate
Fernando said…
Fernando E amigo! Need more practise!
Ali B Well at least I ain't a batty talking Cactus!

Well since age 12 I've done crack and dealt dope,
I even made a bong using nothing but Diet Coke,
I got pissed off, went to rip me Bitch off,
I nicked her handbag, but she tried to slice me dick off.

Me name is…(Bo!)
Me name is…(Selecta!)
Me name is… Ali Baba
Aiiii! My name is…(Bo!)
My name is…(Selecta!)
My name is…Ali Baba

Bruvvas and sistas, big it up for de desert massive!
Buyakasha!