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Frozen-Precipitation Absence-of-Colour and the Seven Vertically-Challenged Individuals
aka
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
By Jim Carter, Richard Wadsworth and Kim Bruce
Easter Arts-Festival Panto 2001
Poor Snow White. While she cleans the Castle loos for the Evil Queen
of Pantoland, dreaming of being whisked away by her Prince Charming,
her mistress is plotting her grisly death! With the aid of her smart-
alec Magic Mirror, the Queen has forseen Snow White will beat her in
the Miss. Pantoland Beauty Contest (along with the rest of the
kingdom... must be the dodgy facial hair). So she blackmails
incompetent Huntsman Pat (with his black and white Axe)to do the evil
deed.
Meanwhile, and by happy coincidence, Prince Charming is looking for
his princess not too far off. Unfortunately he's an arrogant pompous
arse. Will his trusty batman, Sir Miles of Tarmac, help him get his
foot out of his mouth? Will Snow White survive her ordeal and win her
Prince? How come no-ones mentioned the Dwarves yet? Or Dame Monza
Forever and Rumplestilskin (culinery genius) for that matter? Who
wrote this rubbish?
Dramatis
Personae (Click on a name to go to biography)
Kim Bruce (Snow
White)
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Having walked across hot coals for fun, Kim
thought that starring in a Panto couldn't be that bad. oh
yes it can! In her spare time, Kim plays for the 'Dallas
Cowboys', and enjoys nothing better than baking
her own bread. Her
favourite fantasy involves Harrison
Ford, a Leprechaun,
and a tub of mayonnaise. |
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Mat Magill (Prince Charming):
 Matthew
is a Russian Immigrant, who escaped the Soviet Union during the
Estonian Baked
Bean Crisis of 1956. Since his dramatic
entry to the UK, Matthew has been involved in numerous street
performances, including his critically acclaimed one-man tour
'Pissed in a Gutter Again'. He camps things up to hide the fact
he is a closet
agrophobic.
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Jim Carter (Evil Queen):
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After winning the Wooden
Spoon in the Sydney Olympics Pole
Vault, Jim retired from the international scene to pursue
his career as a chicken impersonator. Sadly due to a tragic
boat hook accident
last year, he has lost all feeling from the neck up, and could
no longer perform his world renowned pecking display. Fortunately
he has gained government funding
under the Bad-Goatee Act of 1843. He is brought to you today
by the letter Q, and a fork-lift. |
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 Rob
Egginton (Huntsman Pat):
A former world class flugelhorn
soloist, Robert's fall from grace in 1997 (during a performance
of Nordrid-the-Insane's concerto
for flugelhorn and angry mob) left him unable to form any meaningful
facial expression.
He now acts via the skilful manipulation of body odour alone.
As anyone who has smelt his King Lear will remark, his unique
ability is "quite indescribable."
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Ben Clayton (Sir Miles of Tarmac):
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Ben's real name is Ursula Frustrup. He joined
the panto cast accidentally as the result of an 3-day curly-wurly
bender. Outside of character, Ben has his own furniture
fetish, which he has developed to an advanced level. He is
currently living happily in a small flat in Bristol with a
mauve table-lamp.
He reccomends www.furnitureporn.com
to everyone with a secret desire for armchairs. |
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 Lizzie
Lynch (The Magic Mirror):
There once was a girl called Lizzie, Who was frankly rather
dizzy,
When asked to do panto, She put on quite-a-show, A Mirror
she did play, As an Essex tart
some might say!
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Richard Wadsworth (Rumpelstiltskin):
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Richard is a servant to the dark powers and
a loyal follower of the villainous Papa
Lazerou. He has come close to world domination twice,
but has been thwarted once by Batman
and once by his bed-time. His secret lair is located at the
top of the Wills Memorial
Building, and he is currently building a mega-neutron
destructo-ray for NATO.
His life-long dream is to write and perform in the Eurovision
Song Contest. |
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Nick Skelton (Dame Monza Forever):
A Part-Time Laundrette
Owner and Private Eye,
Nick was recently awarded the Victoria
Cross for changing the Queen Mother's Bed Pan. He has been
in more Pantos than he cares to count, and keeps saying his parts
get smaller every year. His 4th wife secretly agrees
with him. Fortunately 'Snow White' has reversed this trend, much
to his pleasure (and his
4th wife's).
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Eric Salem (Narrator):
Although I may look like a meanie,
My dark streak is really quite teeny,
This you can assess,
If I'm in a dress,
You'll see I'm more sexy than the Queenie.
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