Beauty and the Breasts

Kim Bruce (Director, Juliet)

Kim was raised by tigers and fed only on a diet of waffles and peanuts. Having escaped her cruel upbringing at the age of 65 she fled to Yugoslavia to start a chocolate log factory. However, even after making millions, she still could not forget her childhood and had regular peanut nightmares. Since seeking refuge in Bristol's Pantosoc, however, things have gone from strength to strength and her nut phobia has become a thing of the past.

Eric Salem (Producer, Fake Director, Rumplestiltskin)

Having recently escaped the Australian Secret Service by cunningly going round a corner, Eric has made a triumphal return to the loving arms of Pantosoc, and the loving thighs of his favourite Sainsbury's frozen chicken. With the stress of producing now behind him, Eric has decided to seek help with his alcoholism by visiting alcoholisssh anonymomoussss. you're my best mate in the whole world. all of you....

Helen Lamper (Narrator, All Powerful Dave, Assistant Producer)

Originally heiress to a textiles fortune, Helen suffered a downfall due to her tart addiction and black plastic fetish. She has since found her salvation in the arms (and other bits) of Pantosoc's esteemed President (but she got her part for her acting skills, honest!)

Helen Williams (Beth)

Although originally on with some suspicion by the rest of Pantosoc - land of the innocent - she has since proved that a pair of fluttering eyelashes and a demure neckline cannot conceal the true story of what really happened to the seven dwarves.

Tom Brearley (Prince Fabian)

Dr Eric Thomas Brearley Esq Bsc Msc phd necrophiliac, was born and raised in NE Lincolnshire until his parents chucked it all in and moved to Outer Mongolia. To survive the annual winter chill of the harsh -40oC conditions, they took after local tradition of smothering themselves in Lamb Fat and not washing for the entire winter, a practice they continue to this day on their return to England.

Jim Carter (Baron, Trainspotter, Assistant Producer/Director)

Jim is in fact a genetically engineered hybrid of Russell Crowe and a sack of charcoal. He is also a world-renowned fish farmer, and owns the largest collection of exotic crayfish in Europe. His stage career began as a piece of scaffolding at Woodstock, but since then he has made an illustrious name for himself as the world's only one-man barbershop quartet.

Tors Sorby (Wicked Witch of Wills)

Having finally sorted out her gender identity issues, Tors plans on spending more quality time with her collection of rare Victorian pornography. In the meantime she makes a decent living as body double to Arnold Schwarzenegger and stunt double to Jackie Chan.

Shaun Nixon (Professor Plumpkin)

After trying to solve all the world's problems and assassinate 'Dubyah', Shaun retired from the United Nations Environment Programme to spend some quality time learning local crafts and jam-making. He hopes one day to rule over a global renewable empire and bring the joys of Clean Water, Electricity and Jammy Student Panto to the billions currently living on under one euro (sorry - pound) a day.

Richard Wadsworth (Madame Hussein, Richard III)

Tornadoes have raged, typhoons have blown, earthquakes have done their worst, but Richard's fascinations for large furry scorpions has never wavered. Nor has his inability to sing below middle C.

Ben Clayt on (Sir Finn U. Essay, Romeo)

Ben, along with Helen the Narrator, is starting a new society SYWTTT-Soc (AKA Shag-your-way-to-the-top-Soc).

Polly Dymond (Rapunzel)

Polly Ester firmly believing in the method school of acting, funding her breast enhancement by prostituting herself to the band - especially the trombone player. Her hobbies (when not flat on her back) revolve mainly around pick'n'mix, but she is happy to combine the two.

Owen Jones (Dweezil, Sebastian, Gigolo)

All the women in Pantosoc paid the producer to give Owen a part in where they get to see him topless. explaining the intricate mechanical background of kitchen appliances was just a bonus.

Suzie Goldberg (Druid Leader (Frank), Random Whore, Macbeth)

Suzie is under the impression that the world (or Pantosoc at least) should bow at her feet. but her feet smell. This being the case we have fobbed her off with being a cult leader, who gets a big knife. From the evil glint in her blood-shot eyes, we think she's happy with this. for now.

Will Voelcker (Beetleman, Hamlet, Jean-Claude, Charles)

After failing in his lifelong mission to convert the French to Marmite, will has retired to his secret government research facility in deepest Munich where he is planning a political Coup for the UK Yeast Alliance involving 2000 potatoes, 500 travel agents and a packet of cookie dough. His favourite real life insects include Adam Ant, Wiggly Woo and the tooth fairy. He always drinks tea without milk.

Nick Skelton (Compere, Death, Announcer, Tarquin)

After an illustrious career with RSC in Stratford, Nick is now proud to provide the interval ice-creams for Pantosoc.

Jen Southern (Crystal, Druid Simon)

Miss. Jennifer Southern moved to Bristol with the intention of pursuing higher education. unfortunately she chose History of Art as a subject and has become an alcoholic instead. Lucky they run those important "Do you want fries with that?" seminars really.

Lisa James (Ruby, Druid Gladwyn)

Having decided she ought to try and expand her acting career Lisa joined Dramsoc. but they told her she was crap so we got lumbered with her.

Lizzie Lynch (Jade, Druid Graham, Gravedigger)

Having started life as the Panto tadpole, Lizzie researched her part by living in a septic tank on Junction 19 of the M4. Quite how this helps with her parts as gravedigger, druid and whore we're not sure, but the look in her eyes told us not to ask.

Claire Nelson (Choreographer Extraordinaire)

Claire's dancing and choreography skills lie in her unique condition of having no bones in her body, having replaced them all with pepperamis at an early age. She has since weathered the stream of inevitable sausage jokes, and become a world famous salami connoisseur.

The Fantabulous Panto Band (The People with the Instruments)

The band have been specially grown on a plate of rather smelly brie for this occasion. Previous attempts to grow decent musicians on a variety of alternative dairy products have failed rather miserably, so we hope our brie-strain minstrels will cope.